I am strugging so very very much right now. I don't know what to do. I collapsed in tears in a church this afternoon. My local CAB are trying to force me to travel 60 miles to get help from my solicitor having lied and told her they would help so she's told me I'm delusional and should probably be admitted.
I'm desperately struggling and my (cmht) worker today told me to lower my anxiety levels and I'm fine 'really'. But it really really isn't, I'm really really not.
I nearly died exactly a year ago when things were, to be honest, better than now. My cmht worker is away all next week and I'm to rely on the duty officer, well they won't even speak to me, just say 'go to A&E'. There is no inpatient facility here (I was assulted last time I was an inpatient so don't want to do that anyway) and the crisis team have a major problem with me not being dead yet, honestly, thats what they said last time, 'It's not like you are dead or even close'.
Because being dead is their ideal for me because then I'm out of their way and they don't have to do anything.
I am so scared. I don't even have computer access exept at the library anymore which is very hard to sort out; I will try and keep going and come back again, but it is sooo hard. I'm crying so much my face is actually reacting to my tears
Can't you call a crisis line, to talk a bit ?
Also, I don't think they want you dead. They're here to help you, even if we don't always get the help we want.
What are you so scared about ?
-- English is not my mother-tongue, so I apologize for any spelling/grammar mistake --
are there people at church who you trust? if you're close with anyone there, even just sort of, that might be a place to find some support that isn't from the government and might be more personal and caring...
this is my magical medicine cabinet. Left to right they contain: courage, hope, calmness, and strength.
The magical part: They NEVER run out, so borrow some any time you want.
Becca, I'm sorry that things are really difficult for you at the moment. Do you attend church regularly? If so, are you able to get support from the people that go to your church? Even if it's just a chat it can often be a great help.
It's a shame your CMHT worker is away next week as it sounds like you could really do with their support right now. I know you said the duty officer always says 'Go to A&E' but you really need to utilise them as much as you need to. If you really feel like you're at risk or unsafe then perhaps going to A&E isn't such a bad idea.
I've found that people have very mixed views on the crisis team. Some people find them to be a great help and others think they are pretty useless. From my own experience I find it's a bit hit and miss i.e it depends on the person who answers your call. I appreciate you haven't had a very good experience of the crisis team but if you call and the person isn't very helpful it might be worth calling back as sometimes a completely different person answers and you might find you get a different response.
I hope you're able to get internet access soon as it would be good to know how you're getting on. Take care Becca.
When life gets you down do you know what you've gotta do?
I can only manage a quick reply. 3 minutes until I am logged off. Thanks for replies. I had some bad news today; need emergency treatment for a physical condition and CAB have changed my appointment. I am still badly struggling. Duty officer wouldn't come to phone - too busy with people who are in need apparently.
Have cmht social worker tommorow for last time before his holiday.
Sorry you have the added stress of the need for emergency treatment for your physical condition/s. Will this mean you need to stay in hospital? How are you feeling about that?
Thats crappy of duty officer. Could have at least called you back. x
Hi Becca, I appreciate that it's difficult for you to get internet access but I do hope you are able to update us soon.
I am sorry to hear that you required emergency treatment for a physical condition. I hope that it went okay and that you recover quickly.
It's awful that the duty officer wouldn't come to the phone to speak to you. If you feel able to I would keep calling until he does come to the phone. Please remember you are just as important as everyone else.
I hope your appointment tomorrow with your social worker goes well.
When life gets you down do you know what you've gotta do?
So the worker is now on holiday. He refused to refer me to the crisis team and said I should just continually phone until I get support - except all I got was a manager phoning me and having a go at me about how busy they are with the ill people; so how can I possibly be as important as anyone else?
I told the worker as much as I could on Friday.
His response was 'just don't do it'.
Well that just isn't good enough.
I have the first investigation for my physical problem on wedensday and must get police permission as well as alert porters to me being in the hospital as stupid crisis team refused to see me as I am too dangerous so now I'm registered as a dangeous patient; it is humiliating and very frightening; best case senario is that it is the beginning of severe deterioation of my physical condition. I'm frightened. Really frightened. I've had migraines and paralysing fear this weekend - literally paralysing because I am so frightened; panic attacks that are just going on and on and on.
I didn't even get to speak to the duty officer; the receptionist told me not to bother as they were waay too busy to speak to me. Wouldn't even take a message. I tried the samaritans but even they got fed up of talking to me.
I started talking a few years ago about everything but it's just made things even harder to cope with now. And now I'm hear talking to you and I'm so upset that I don't even care I'm sat in a public library typing this.
I'm terrified that if I attempt I will fail and be made fun of again.
I have tried talking to people at church but they find it very upsetting and phone cmht, who just advise whoever phones them to help me themselves.
Me again. Sorry for taking up everyones time. Just so loney and just need to get stuff out. CAB won't let me cancel my appointment for my medical treatment so now I have to choose. My lawyer has sent me a pressurising email as well.
Why can't any of these people just understand how much I am struggling?
Hey, I'm so sorry that I don't have much in the way of words right now, but I want you to know that I have read this thread and that I really do sincerely care about you. It's such a shame that you're not being treated with much respect by the services, and I think a lot of the time it's down to whoever you end up talking to. It's unfortunate and unfair, and you certainly do matter enough to need and receive help.
Do not be dismayed by the brokenness of the world. All things can be mended. Not with time, as they say, but with intention. So go. Love intentionally, extravagantly, unconditionally. The broken world awaits in darkness for the light that is you.
Thankyou for replying. I know it's hard to support me. I hear that a lot from services. I hope I don't come across as not understanding. I went to hospital today, but my knees are so bad and swollen most of the tests couldn't be done. I rang CMHT again.
I hope I'm not making people feel bad by posting. I don't mean to.
It's not so much that you're difficult to support as an individual, it's my ability to formulate words right now.
You have every right to post here, it's important that you realise that - you're not making any of us feel bad :)
How did it go giving your CMHT a call?
Do not be dismayed by the brokenness of the world. All things can be mended. Not with time, as they say, but with intention. So go. Love intentionally, extravagantly, unconditionally. The broken world awaits in darkness for the light that is you.
First, I'm sorry for not being able to access here before today; I don't have a computer so it is hard to get here.
I rang several times and got told to go buy myself presents to feel better. That wasn't helpful at all. My worker is now back but doesn't have a clue. I cried through my appointment on friday. It just feels totally hopeless.
Sorry. I had wanted to give a more positive update
You don't need to be sorry for not being able to give a more positive update; you are being truthful and that's the best thing on here.
I'm sorry that your worker doesn't have a clue about how things are for you right now, do you think you can find a way to tell him? I'm guessing the others didn't pass a lot of information on.
