i did it again

[suicidal~lullaby]

i cut... last night because of my grades.. they slipped down again and my parent said something last night that i have no socail life till i vae a job (no going anywhere or phone to call anyone.) snd this morning on my birthday they chastised me again about my grades and after theat i ticked my teacher off by wearing the wrong color for the filming of the green screnes and we have this assignment that i have to do but i dont have the proper comp tp do it on because my broke last night and i have to use the one in th elab and i cant listen to it because this computer doesnt have the proper thingy to listen to it on and so... yes.... this is the worst day ever of my life. im so depressed... and somtpilating suicide..... my god what did i do to make god so angry?

whats even worse... i cut myself worse... and didnt hesitate when i did... it was like a habit... is this really me? omg what am i turinng into? oh god..... my other wrist wouldnt give so easily... so i kept cutting till it did. my god... maybe suicide is the answer if i am just going to keep plumeting like this?

[HopeRises]

Fistly suicide is never the answer..your so young, still at school and there is so much more to life.

Sorry your parents and you are having problems right now and that your finding things tough but, prehaps you could calmy speak with your parents, tell them you'll need to use the phone to look for a job.

Your teachers are just teachers tbh, they can't do anything. Ok it sucks when you can't get your work done but have you tried explaining that your computer at home is broken and that the one in the lab doesn't have whatever it is you need to do the work?

About the shirt, they'll get over that. wear the right colour next time.

Can you speak to a teacher that you get on with at school, about the SI so that you can get some help on dealing with your feelings and things?

I know things like this feels very confusing..growing up is hard as but you like many others have done in the past, can make it, but don't be ashamed to ask for help.

Stay Safe and Take Care

[Anansi]

Firstly, if you haven't made sure your cuts are clean you should.

Secondly, maybe you should talk to your parent about the pressure they are putting on you to get a job. Maybe you could start showing an interest in finding one which might ease the tension a bit? A good way to start is just print off some CV's and send them to a few shops in a town near you - at least then you are being pro-active.

Try not to worry too much about your teacher or school work, hopefully if you explain to your teacher about the fact that you can't do your assignment properly they will sympathse and give you some extra help.

Finally, suicide is not the answer, it never is. There's a good post here[link] that you should read before you contemplate suicide. It really is not a solution. Do you have a counsellor or someone close to you that you could talk to about this? It often helps to have someone to talk to face-to-face. If not, or if you just need someone to speak to, my PM box is always open.

Sorry this post has ben a bit all over the place - but I hope I've helped a bit?
Stay safe sweetheart.

[suicidal~lullaby]

i guess i am feeling better. today has just sucked ass on the whole. im not really feeling suicidal.... but i hate plumeting like this. i mean, everytime i seem to be at the top of my tower and happy, something knocks it down into the hole i dug, with someone tossing me a shovel and saying dig deeper you fool. and with each cut the will to live slips away a bit more, but not enough to actually do it... yet. but thats why i am trying to just take it one day at a time and not get to cocky becuase this cycle will begin agian.

[Anansi]

That's a really good attitude to have, take it slow and work your way towards your goal. Don't assume that being sad is inevitable - it's not!

Emma. x