For the first time since high school, I've started seeing a guy. It was sort of going ok - he kept telling me I 'had to' do things because he wanted me to, and if I said no, he'd pressure me until I agreed, but it was nowhere near as scary or bad as what I was used to.
He's 27, I'm 20. I don't mind the age gap - I'm terrified of guys my own age because of what happened. He said he prefers younger girls because he likes taking care of them. I just accepted that as a reason.
I accepted that he had a slight obsession with porn. He said he'd had to drop out of uni 'cause he'd got addicted and failed his exams.
He didn't accept my quirks though. After I got hurt, I decided that if someone had been bad in the past, and got arrested, it'd be on the internet. I decided I'd be able to google whether people were sex offenders or not. So I google all sorts of people. I wouldn't go into an appointment with my psychiatrist til I'd searched him just in case his background check had missed something. But he wouldn't let me google him.
I met one of his ex girlfriends a couple of days ago, and she said that he'd been really controlling with her. She'd said no and he'd basically refused to accept that. That, plus the fact that he never used his real name on Failbook, he got angry when I referred to him by name on Twitter and the fact that he was really, really against me saying no last time I stayed over at his flat made me more anxious and I couldn't help but search.
My suspicions were correct. He does like younger girls. He's been arrested twice for possessing indecent images. He's on the sex offenders register, and that is, I'm assuming, why he can't get a job.
Now I feel incredibly dirty and confused and I don't know what to do! I don't know how to break up with him without making him angry. I don't want him to hurt me. While I know that he might not actually do that, my head's telling me that he will and I can't block it out. But I work with kids, and I don't want to risk my career by dating a guy who did that! Even if I didn't want to work with kids, he keeps talking about having kids, and I don't feel comfortable knowing he's done that in the first place.
I don't know what I wanted from writing this out here, but I just feel so disgusting! I keep going over and over in my head the number of times he said he liked the fact I look young for my age. I thought I'd actually found a nice guy when we got together. I thought maybe it was his aspergers that made him more insistent when I said no, because he never seemed to understand that I didn't want to - all he could see was that he did. Now I don't know what to think.
First of all honey, you're not dirty or disgusting. You have done NOTHING wrong. Absolutely nothing.
It doesn't sound like you're comfortable in this relationship and I can understand why from what you have said and I think a lot of people would be feeling the same.
I think you need to speak to him...and if you are concerned about how he will react could you ask a friend/family member/mediator to sit with you both?
Please just try to remember that you haven't done anything wrong in this situation.
x x x
♥It's the ups and downs of living life this way. Promise me you'll never go away. Just stay with me through one more night because it's always darkest before the light and now I promise you I'll never turn away. I won't let you give us one less heart to break...♥
I just broached the topic in a round about way. He's angry. He says it doesn't hurt anyone if the girl is old enough to know what she's consenting to. He's using the 'I'm doing law so I know about this and you're stupid' argument with me. I've yet to tell him I know the truth though. He still says his private life is none of my business.
I can't believe he's showing no remorse whatsoever. He doesn't regret it. He's essentially defending his right to do it. He's trying to convince me that it's ok too.
I want so much to break up with him, but then I'm worried that he's going to do something bad. And I know it might just be my head overreacting, but I don't want to take the risk either.
Hey. As Courtney said, youre not dirty at all. What country are you in? Im in the U.S. and here there are hotlines and organizations that help people safely exit abusive relationships. You are right in that you need to leave as soon as possible, but youre also right in being cautious. He is abusing you. Gettin someone who is there to help would be good, as well as people who have lots of experience with it. Are you living with him? Do you have family/friends can stay with for awhile? A shelter for abused women temporarily may be the best answer. I dont know. People who help with these situations often can help you figure all this out. Im sorry youre goin through this.
Every day the world is made a chance to change but i feel the same.
And I wonder why would i wait till i die to come alive?"
All alone the way she feels
Left alone to deal with all the pain-drenched sorrow relief
I spent ages trying to get him to admit it yesterday without him knowing that I knew. But eventually, after he kept trying to justify viewing such images, I got angry and just told him what I'd read. He told me his story and I listened for ages. I told him we can't talk any more because of what he did, which took a lot of explaining because he doesn't understand why me being a teacher while dating someone on the sex offenders register is a bad thing.
Eventually, he accepted it though. He wasn't angry, he was really upset because he's lost everything and he just wants a second chance. He said he downloaded the pictures when he was the same age as the people in them, so he didn't see it as wrong - he didn't understand the law, but he didn't feel like he could delete them when he grew up. I feel dreadful for ending it just because he made a mistake as a child. I hated hearing him so upset when I was speaking to him.
I think we've agreed to stay friends. I just feel like I need to do something to say sorry for ruining what we had. I'm trying to find him a job because he's super stressed about not being able to get one 'cause of what he did. I just want to fix everything. I feel so guilty. I hate it.
It's understandable to feel a certain amount of guilt but you don't need to be. You've done the right thing for you. If I was in your position I'd be careful about how you take his 'reasons' for what he did...if it was a mistake he made he'd want to delete any memory of it. Obviously I don't know him/what he said fully etc. Just my opinion.
You can't fix everything; but it's normal to want to.
It is a good thing you've taken this step though.
Take care,
x x x
♥It's the ups and downs of living life this way. Promise me you'll never go away. Just stay with me through one more night because it's always darkest before the light and now I promise you I'll never turn away. I won't let you give us one less heart to break...♥
His reasons were something to do with him having Aspergers and not being able to tell how old people are - he thought the girls looked about 16 but some of them were 12 (and they all looked young to other people, apparently). And he said the photos reminded him of an age where he was happier. He claimed he didn't understand the laws of the UK (he moved here a year or 2 before he was arrested, and had downloaded the images in his home country) so didn't realise it wasn't ok to have images of 16 year olds. He said his second conviction was purely based on images of a 16 year old in a bikini, which his lawyer didn't understand.
He said he wanted to appeal but his experience of court scared him too much to do so. He didn't want his name in the paper again, I don't think - he got beaten in the street and threatened after he was convicted, and there's forum pages saying all sorts of mean things about him.
He's a lovely (but quirky) person usually. The only reason I find him super controlling and scary when he gets angry is probably because of what's happened to me before. He doesn't deserve to be alone forever just because he did something bad as a child. But then, at the same time, I know he would have broken the rules about staying somewhere other than his home for more than 7 days without informing the police if we didn't break up, just because he doesn't see why he has to tell them -.-
Thats great, it takes a lot of courage to do that. :) Agreed is natural to feel guilty but dont need to. Are court records public? Have you checked them out to see if what hes telling you about the cases is what actually happened? I'd jus be extremely cautious with him, with the history of abuse with you. The choices he's made aren't your fault and he's not your responsibility. You have no obligation to help him or even talk to him. Is he getting therapy/counseling? Doesn't help everyone but is worth a shot.
He didn't do somethin bad just as a child. He did with you too. Thats not to say he can't change for the better, does mean until he does change no woman is safe with him. Regardless of your past, if a man is treating you right, you won't ever feel controlled or be scared of him.
Every day the world is made a chance to change but i feel the same.
And I wonder why would i wait till i die to come alive?"
All alone the way she feels
Left alone to deal with all the pain-drenched sorrow relief
I think they're public, but they don't seem to be online (I spent hours reading everything I could about him and there was nothing from the court, just newspaper articles), but I understand what you're saying. I know he has nothing of the sort now - he has no home broadband and I've seen the photos on his phone before. He had to see a court appointed psychologist, who he says decided he wasn't a threat (he offered to let me see the report).
I think he wants to change, after spoke about everything, he actually seemed to care about me and he was really upset. Maybe if he does care about me, losing me will be the kick up the backside he needs to change. Although, he says he's been trying to see a psychologist again and his GP won't refer him.
