My flatmate and I haven't exactly been getting along. We've both got problems with OCD and anxiety, and I have PTSD. It makes living together somewhat difficult to say the least, especially at the moment since her OCD is really bad in relation to normal and I'm constantly panicky about noise and being near people. My flatmate is one of the loudest people I've ever met. She cannot walk quietly to save her life (think elephant style stomping all the time), she can't talk quietly (I can hear her in the stairway when she's on the phone at the far end of the flat, and we have very thick doors), she can't watch TV or listen to music quietly (the volume is 3 times the level I have it set at). I just can't stand the level of noise in this place! I go for a shower, which is anxiety provoking in itself, and when I come out, I'm bombarded with noise from her iPod blaring or from the TV up at some ridiculous volume, or her shouting on the phone. Then I end up having panic attacks or losing time somewhere and come out the bathroom sometimes several hours after I went for my shower.
The problems I've been having generally annoy my flatmate, but then her problems annoy me too so we just get on with it. However things came to a head when I lost 3 hours and woke up on the bathroom floor, curled up in a ball, convinced there had been a party in the building that I had been hiding from. She got really angry because she had to pee and I was hiding with the door locked. It turned out she'd had a music channel on at a stupidly high volume when I'd come out the shower and I must have just freaked out. She knows I'm like this, so why does she insist on being loud?!
So the next day, I avoided being in the flat after uni and came back to her having gone a bit over the top on the cleaning front. And having moved my stuff (which is a big no-no for my OCD). So I got really angry, which is unusual for me, and piled her clothes up, in the same way she'd done to mine, on top of the clothes drier in the bathroom. Needless to say she went ape and sent an angry text message demanding an explanation. I explained that I did it out of anger purely because she'd done the same, and she got even more annoyed because apparently she can't help having OCD and I need to accept that she 'had to' because she lives here too. I don't see why she only cleaned up MY stuff though?! Her clothes were still hanging, when she'd piled mine up outside my door, for example.
She then stormed out the flat last night and didn't cope back until I told her I was locking the door (which would stop her getting back in again) because I was going to bed.
And tonight, she has a friend round. Who is loud. Exceptionally loud. Even louder than she is! I've got uni work to do for the morning and I've got none done because this girl keeps shouting! The pair of them shout and shout and shout! I can't deal with it! They were going to go to the cinema, and wrote a note telling me they'd not be back til midnight, so not to lock the door, and I pointed out that I saw no reason for me to be considerate when they weren't showing me any by being really noisy - why shouldn't I just do all the things that make her anxious? So she phoned her mum in tears. And now she's back to shouting and laughing loudly and I can't concentrate on anything!
Does anybody have any advice on what to do? I'm guessing that screaming and shouting at her until she sees my point of view would not be a solution...
I've apologised so often because she's so stubborn and I'm fed up of being the bigger man. If this is how it's going to be for the next 2 and a bit years, I just want her to leave now, but her contract is a year long one so I don't see how I can make her go. I just want to live alone right now - I can't bear being near other people.
I'm sorry you are in such a difficult situation. I'm presuming you are in university accommodation? Have you thought about going to them and lodging a complaint or asking if you can be moved? You have to do what is right for you and you obviously are not happy with your current living situation.
I can definitely sympathise - I don't have OCD but I do have PTSD and sometimes it drives me crazy being around flatmates when I need peace and quiet to stop me going crazier!
How well do you know your flatmate? Did you both know about each other's OCD etc. before you moved in together?
This sort of thing spirals out of control and turns into a passive-aggressive bitch-fest if left unchecked. The first thing I would suggest is to get together over dinner/a quiet night in with a movie/something mutually agreeable and have a chat about things. If you were aware of problems before moving in together, perhaps you can refer back to any agreement you made previously about how you would both cope with it? If not, perhaps it's time to lay down some sort of 'compromise contract'.
The biggest tip for stopping it turning into an argument is to - unfortunately - be the bigger person again and try and drop any anger you have. Approach her by saying that you're sorry things have gotten to this point and that you both obviously need to talk about it and you'd like to know what you can do to make things easier for her. And then let her talk, make a big deal of writing things down, like literally a written contract and tell her you'll try to respect her issues.
And then hit her with your list of requests! Things like not moving your stuff, or if she absolutely feels she has to, agreeing a place in advance that you feel better about? How about coming up with an agreement that you don't want to make a scene when her friends are around but if she's being so noisy that you can't cope that you'll send a text to her - the agreement being that she'll respect you and tone it down a bit?
Also, I would recommend ear plugs. You can get soft mouldable silicone ones from places like Boots and Superdrug and I've always found them helpful for blocking out unwanted noise if I'm trying to study.
In the long term, if you really think you'll drive each other up the wall, do you have any other housing options? Sometimes you can explain to your landlord/lady and they'll release you from your contract early on the condition that you can find a replacement person. In my experience it's far easier for you to move than it is to convince someone else to go.
Hope things improve for you, it can be thoroughly miserable and SO stressful living with people who wind you up. Hang in there!
I don't have a landlord or live in uni accommodation - my dad bought the flat so I wouldn't have to deal with landlords or anything, we decided it was easier and cheaper where I live. So basically there is no way for me to get out of living here - the only way for me to not have her here is to basically make her life so miserable she decides not to renew her contract (which makes me feel awful, but she's stressing me out so much right now that my head has decided that it would make for good payback).
We knew that we each had foibles before we agreed to move in together, but thought it would be ok because we're both pretty obsessed with cleaning and sorting. Apparently not though. There's been a total clash these past few weeks. I think it's in part due to the fact that her anxiety got worse, which made her OCD worse around the same time that I got diagnosed with PTSD after my anxiety got really bad and I was trying to control everything I possibly could.
We had an agreement about cleaning and stuff (it's on the wall) and about buying cleaning stuff and kitchen roll, but lately I've been the one buying all the cleaning stuff and she just buys some cheap kitchen roll then uses it instead of plates to save on washing up and expects me to chip in on it when it runs out!
I guess I shall have to talk to her when her friend has gone home (whenever that is). There is no way I am talking to her when her friend is here though - that girl is super scary. If you're in her good books, it's ok, but I'm not in her good books any more, so I'm going to just hide in my room until she buggers off home again!
I can't wear ear plugs - I get even more anxious when I can't hear properly than when it's too loud. The noise is the lesser of two evils, but I thought I'd been making progress on convincing her that she didn't need the TV quite so loud until recently!
Wait, so is she your Dad's tennant? Could you have a word with your Dad about it? Or ask your Dad to say he doesn't want to renew the contract?
That, usual there will be something about noise levels in there as well and he could ask other people in the building if they can hear anything etc. But either way the landlord ie your dad can say no to renewing the contract with her.
"Its not how long a star shines, what is remembered is the brightness of the light"
i don't think looking at it as "she needs to leave" is going to be helpful for either of you... its probably best for both of you to look at what isn't working and problem solve, remembering that each of you are going to have to work on things, because neither of you is entirely faultless.
for example, certain things that my friends do irritate and scare me unreasonably due to my ocd... but it isn't fair for me to force them to make accomodations that are way outside normal, especially on a regular basis. when there are problems like that, its my responsibility to do my treatment and try to get better so that i can handle it. and when i can show my friends that i am doing my treatment, they'll usually try to help out without me having to force them to. i think that this sort of mindset needs to happen for both of you... you've both got to take responsibility
this is my magical medicine cabinet. Left to right they contain: courage, hope, calmness, and strength.
The magical part: They NEVER run out, so borrow some any time you want.
Sorry for taking forever to reply, everything kinda hit the fan with my flatmate and she phoned her parents in tears after I asked her to keep the noise down (I couldn't concentrate on my uni work because she was shouting so loudly) and told them she didn't want to come back after Easter, so she's looking for somewhere else to live after the holidays. She then didn't come back after class on Friday, she may have even left in the morning for all I know - I stayed at someone else's house to avoid her and she wasn't there when I got back early on Saturday morning, and didn't return all weekend. She didn't tell me she was leaving, but according to my parents is hoping not to come back.
Turns out my mum suspected this would happen - she knew from the moment she laid eyes on her that she was "a moody cow". I don't like confrontations or angry people, so she knew I'd not cope with someone who constantly feels the need to argue with others.
Now I just have to deal with the angry parents and trying to budget in for all of the bills by myself.
If she's signed a contract with your dad to live there until the end of the academic year, she might be legally obliged to pay the full amount whether she's there or not. I did when I left uni half-way through an academic year. Have a look at the contract.
And the illusion of love is the only promise of defence, and even that will crumble.
If she's signed a contract with your dad to live there until the end of the academic year, she might be legally obliged to pay the full amount whether she's there or not. I did when I left uni half-way through an academic year. Have a look at the contract.
Dad put a clause in it saying he only required a months notice about moving out, and isn't going to make her pay the full amount - just March and April's rent, then she's free to go. He put it in there so I didn't have to put up with her if she was unbearable, but I didn't realise it was there or she'd have been out of the flat MONTHS ago!
^ I was just going to chip in - regardless of what's in the contract, if the tenant and landlord come to an agreement, it can overrule the contract. So if the tenant wants to leave and the landlord wants them to go then it can work out.
It sounds like a happy ending for you, crazy cupcakes? Do you know if you'll have to find a replacement tenant?
I do hope it'll be a happy ending! So long as she finds somewhere in the next 2 weeks, she won't be coming back and I won't have to put up with her any longer :D
My mum says she would much prefer me to have another tenant in the flat (I asked if a rabbit would count, but apparently unless the rabbit can pay rent, he wouldn't) but my parents will try to keep the flat without someone else living there so long as I keep paying the bills (which will now be double what I paid before since there's only one of me paying them and it's all fixed amounts) and I think they'll expect some rent when I can afford it.
They don't particularly want me living alone because I never go out, but I don't really want anyone living with me since I hate noise and don't know anyone who is as quiet as I am.
