I'm getting a lot of nightmares regarding what I went through and am repeatedly waking up middle of shouting and crying only to continue doing so in the middle of a flashback,
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I've started getting more memories little ones like him stroking my hand but to me that's still pretty terrifying or his thing through his boxers not that I didn't remember that anyway but this memory there was semen obviously on them .
These nightmares are new the last time I had them was two years ago with the occasional one in between but recently they're nightly I'm driving my mum to distraction even though she comforts me I've learnt to cover my mouth with the pillow or bite down on it. I keep remembering the rumours at school of me being a slut somebody knew and they started it, somebody out there knows how disgusting i am. Going through phases like this make me feel i'll always be his that I'm so unlikable he truly made me his and only his, that terrifies me. Its making me to want to punish myself again i want to self harm and i want to damage myself because of all this I wont hopefully as I've gone a month or so self harm free and i wouldn't want to ruin it but it doesn't stop the pain that i want to. I've been doing pretty well for quite a while, flashback free but have been left with lucidity of what happened, now I'm in that blur agin and I'm a bit stuck I don't know how to get out of the terror that I'm still in his grasp when I awake from a nightmare. I don't really know why I'm posting just wanted to know I'm not alone right now and to tell someone. I hope this hasn't upset anyone and hope you don't mind me posting.
Last edited by insidemyhead : 24-03-2013 at 04:13 PM.
“There is no sun without shadow, and it is essential to know the night.”
Hey meggymoo <3 I don't really have much advice but just wanted you to know that you're not alone and it's totally okay that you posted this. Nightmares are horrible. Does your CPN know? Well done for going that long without any self harm. You're doing really well <3 I'm always about if you want to PM at all. I sometimes find it helps to write down what happens in detail in the nightmares and how I feel in it and then when I wake up and stuff, so that I'm acknowledging it. I don't know if you would find that helpful. Love you lots x
Hey there, I'm sorry you have been having these horrible nightmares, they sound very scary and difficult to deal with. You're definitely not alone and I'm glad you have reached out to tell someone, we can all be there to support you when you are scared.
Do you have anyone other than your Mum who you can reach out to? It might be helpful to have others who can help you in different ways.
I also don't have much advice, but i just wanted to let you know that I've read and you're more than welcome to PM me if you wish.
Have you ever looked fear in the face and said "I just don't care"?
Thank you both for the replies they mean a lot. My lovely and Charmed (sorry i dont know your name)i really appreciate this. I will try writing them down, I didn't think to do that, it may help me focus and take the fear out of it. I can't tell my cpn they all think it's in my head I told myself if it started becoming a problem I will go into private counselling out of the system where it won't impact on my treatment, the last time I tried saying who it was they threatened to break my confidentiality and go behind my back to social services who won't believe me before they even see me as I had paranoid issues before and was made to talk to them and they literally laughed in my face, I can't face them again so maybe it's time to go into private counselling, my mum wanted to now if I was getting memories I've told her and she's glad I've told her he knew but wanted to hear it from me. She's ready all I need to tell her is I need counselling and shell let me, maybe it's time to look into it. I think my schizophrenia was protecting me from reality I've been encompassed by it and it distracted me from this but now I'm better on that side of things this has reared it's ugly head. A vet smiled at me at work we had an encounter and it was lovely but then i thought who would want me? And spiralled into him he always wanted me to be his before ephe dumped me like trash and then decided he couldn't let me go before we separated when I left school and he had me attacked just to prove distance wasn't a problem. Argh I don't know I thinki may need to talk with my mum maybe write a letter I'll look into counselling once I've finished my art therapy groups otherwise I won't have the time and it'll be too much I think, I think I do need someone to talk to about this as its popping up and slamming me against a wall. Thank you both for the offering of PM and thank you for the advice know both of you definitely can PM me too and I'll be there and help in any way I can. Take care x
“There is no sun without shadow, and it is essential to know the night.”
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