I'm currently taking anti depressants and will soon get some type of assessment to see if I need CBT or therapy,
But what I can't get over is, when I feel okay or am actually having a good day, I start panicking and feeling scared of getting better and recovering?!
I know I want a happier life but I don't know how to battle this feeling as I end up thinking more, making myself depressed again and feel tempted to just stop taking my medication and leave it all to chance...
Can someone help please? Feeling really scared of this and need some reassurance/advice... Does anyone else feel like this too?
Last edited by simka : 08-03-2013 at 10:02 PM.
Reason: Spell error...
Keep your chin up, and we might just get though this together.
Hi,
sometimes I am super scared of getting better, too.
Do you think it could be like that for you, because being happier and healthier is something new for you. Or you haven't experienced it for a longer time?
I think it is normal to be scared of recovery.
Could you talk about this with the people who are assessing you or the dr. who prescribed the meds to you?
Feel free to pm me if you want to talk.
Laura
You survived the abuse.
You're gonna survive the recovery.
I agree with the above, being scared of getting better is fairly common because it's something you haven't experienced and you have probably got comfortable with the sadness.
I know what you mean about ending up thinking and getting worse etc. I do that too...but CBT is supposed to help with your way of thinking etc so that should help with that.
It's normal to be nervous about something knew...but that nervousness means it's something that matters to you therefore it is a good thing.
If you ever want to talk, or vent, please feel free to PM me.
x x x
♥It's the ups and downs of living life this way. Promise me you'll never go away. Just stay with me through one more night because it's always darkest before the light and now I promise you I'll never turn away. I won't let you give us one less heart to break...♥
Hi simka. I feel that way. I did CBT some time ago and it helped me enormously. You learn skills that u can apply in many areas of your life and you can continue using them forever. I've been seeing a counsellor recently & with her support I've confronted things from my past that were stopping me get better. While dealing with all that stuff, I felt like I was really fighting to keep my head above water. Having got through that I'm sort of on a plateau. I know it's up to me now to start doing more things to help lift my depression. If you like, I need to push myself to get well again. But if I do that, for starters I think to myself that it'll mean I won't see my lovely counsellor anymore and I will miss that.
MixTape's right. You do get comfortable with the sadness. I see that in myself. What I'm realising is that I am entitled to feel sadness because I have suffered losses. The loss of things doesn't have to be a bereavement. It doesn't even have to be something physical or something you have actually ever possessed. It might be something like missing out on a happy or normal childhood.
But whatever it is that makes you feel sad, it's very possible you are entitled to feel that way. If you work through the feelings then you can come to terms with what lies behind them. That's where therapy and CBT come in. When you feel heard by somebody supportive and the way you feel is recognised, you begin to feel validated.
For me, I have reached a point where I can acknowledge what happened to me. I can now see and feel what my past did to me. To see how people were too weak or scared or selfish to take any responsibility for any of it. They just stood back and let it all happen. Working through my feelings (no matter how bad they felt & sometimes still feel) means I am beginning to visualise a better future for me and to begin the process of getting better.
But I fear if I get better I will be writing off the past. It will be forgotten and my suffering forgotten with it. Going through stuff with my counsellor, really feeling how painful it was and seeing her reaction to it, really has validated it all. I feel like shouting from the rooftops that I was abused. I don't care anymore who knows. I want it known that things did happen to me that were bad. I will not let other people (aka my parents) deny it anymore. The things that make you feel depressed, sad etc....constitute part of who and what you are. I realise now I don't have to give up or deny what happened to me in the past. I can learn to accept it. It's part of me but it doesn't have to dictate to me or control me.
It did influence my life quite badly at times but what I now realise is that it does not have to continue influencing me adversely. I don't know how I am going to achieve it, but I feel determined that the feelings which usually eat away at me are going to be put to better use. Rather than allow myself to stay in a pit of depression, I really would like to harness the anger and pain but turn them outwards. Direct them into something really constructive. I don't think I could ever manage to be a counsellor as I'd be too vulnerable but as my counsellor said, there are other roles out there I could fulfil, even at voluntary level where my instinctive nature could be put to good use. Not least to boost my feelings of belonging in this world and making a worthwhile contribution..
So ... getting better ... Yes it does feel scary because it is new ground. But in getting better you don't have to necessarily leave the past or certain other things behind. That bit is up to you. You can go on a very interesting journey in therapy or in doing CBT. You become more whole as a person in so doing. That certainly has been my experience and if I were u, I'd certainly give it a go.
One last thing, when I saw my counsellor last, I broached the subject of "one day I know I won't be seeing you anymore but I don't like thinking about that". Her response was that "you can keep coming to see me as long as you still find it necessary". So, we were talking very directly about my fears of getting better. Seeing my counsellor is great. She makes me feel so worthwhile. But though it pains me to say it, I do know in the future there will be a time when I'll be "better" enough not to need her help anymore. But when that point comes, I will be feeling differently to the way I do now and so will be ready to become independent.
Bit of a long post, sorry about that but I really wanted to demonstrate that getting better can be ok. And thanks for posting too because I feel better after getting this lot down "on paper".
I think it is partly because I haven't felt like my normal 'happy' self for a few months/year of two so it seems scary and new to have the thought of getting better and being 'happy'.
It's made me feel better to know that it's not just me in this situation, I'm glad I can come here to talk about these feelings, thanks.
Hopefully the CBT will help but I'm not too optimistic as its a group one, not sure what to expect and it's over 7 weeks so I have to wait a while to get the most out of it..
But I'll see how it goes as I'm supposed to go soon to it, will probs post soon about it.
I see where you're coming from Tessar with your experience, thanks for sharing it with me, it's making me feel less nervous about getting better and how it can be a positive thing, for me, feeling valued is important as I constantly battle with my head telling me different, so I do understand a lot of the things you think.
Thanks again for the posts guys, i best be off to my group CBT now so if you ever need me I'm just a PM away xx
Thanks for the feedback simka, I'm glad it helped. Hope the group session goes ok. I am intrigued to hear about it as I haven't done any group stuff & often wonder what it's like.
The group session was okay, they seemed kind of adamant to point out that it's NOT a group therapy but a CBT course instead. It was mainly an introduction and a start off sort of thing, they started talking about rules for the group, we don't have to contribute to discussion and no ones under pressure, and examples of situations such as being in a queue at a market and how you might be feeling, how that feels physically as well as emotionally and how it's part of you're thoughts and that. That was mainly what went on, I found it quite interesting and each week we get 'home tasks' so hopefully those'll help too.
And if you wanted to know more Tessar, I could PM you when I've had my sessions? I don't mind at all and it would be nice to have someone to talk to about how they went etc.
good to hear it went ok simka. I'd like that if you wanted to PM me as anything to do with CBT is always interesting. Since I have done it myself & learned so much from it, any kind of reminder to me about it is always very helpful. Keeps me on my toes as it were... & also who knows, I might even have some useful experiences of my own I can share with you...
Hey there. I did a group course of CBT recently (I only went 3 times before they decided to try something else) but I'm glad it went well. It's quite nice to be able to share if you wish but having no pressure to, and seeing familiar faces each week is reassuring in a way. :)
