Got my ESA decision

[not_so_insig]

I got my ESA decision this week, and they have put me in the support group. I didnt have to attend a medical, which was good because it would have put me into much stress that I would have probably SIed (I am currently 20 months free).

Initially I was happy. I genuinely couldnt cope with a job due to my mh issues. I have severe schizophrenia (though I am currently considered stable), when I fall ill, my CPN says that I fall replase easily and that I go downhill pretty quickly. I was until recently only doing 2 days a week voluntary work, and even then there was days when that was too much to cope with. I didnt go in quite frequently due to having bad days and that I was leaving early due to the immense stress I was experiencing. When I am stable I can do tons, ironically enough I was short listed for Volunteer of the Year (out of 150 people nominated I got down to the last 14).

But anyway, I am sad. Sad because I feel useless. I wanted to go one day to train to be a CPN. I was expecting to go to a medical, to prove once and for all I wasnt able to go to work. I feel as though I have been put on the scrapheap of life, that I must be severely ill for them to make a decision. Ig got awarded last year an indefinite award for DLA (though how long that will last I dont know), so again that proves that I will prove how ill I am. I dont know if my CPN or psych wrote a letter to support my claim, last time I got to talk to my CPN (I only see her every few weeks) she hadnt been asked. I have an appointment with her on Thursday, so I will ask her then. Ironically I dont feel ill, I am living with minimal symptoms.

I suppose that I should be jumping for joy because I got what I wanted, but instead I just feel depressed. I feel as though I should do bad things (cut, OD, refuse meds) just to prove that their decision is right.

[whirlpools]

Hi insig, just wanted to say how much I relate to your post. I too received my ESA decision this week, and it was the support group without medical, like you. I can identify with how deflated and defeated that can leave you feeling.

I just wanted to say congratulations for being shortlisted as volunteer of the year - that's a massive achievement and just goes to show how valued and valuable you are to your organisation, it certainly doesn't sound like you're useless.

As you probably know, the longest period of time you can be in the support group for is *I think* three years before being reassessed, so it's not like they've decided you won't be able to work forever, just for a period of time. You could maybe think about using this time to discover, with the help of your CPN, what would need ot change for you to become able to work again and what steps that might take. This might mean trying evening courses or part-time study to gain skills and qualifications, or adding more voluntary work to practice other skills or gain confidence. You could maybe try some permitted work at some point which means you could keep your ESA but try out some part-time work too.

I've been devising a timeline with my CC with dates on to stick to, so I know I won't stay static and will keep progressing.

[Ami]

Hi there. I have just applied for esa for the third time. I have been rejected twice before for having 'no signifivant imparement or no thoughts of self harm'. (I have schizophrenia and tried to kill myself 3 times last night year which lead to stays in intensive care/ hospital admissions) so I beg to differ...

Anyway maybe see it as a temporary thing. That one day in the futute you will be able to work and 'be useful'. But youre not fit enough at this exact minute. X

[whirlpools]

Ami, make sure you get all the help and support you can to fill it in - CAB can be the best people but if they're not available, maybe ask the DEA at the Jobcentre, include reports from your hospital stays, care plans, letters from psychiatrists/CPNs etc. There are also sample forms on the internet somewhere, which remind you of things that might be helpful to include when answering the questions, if they apply to you, in case you forget. It might also be helpful to keep a diary for a few weeks to record how things are day-to-day and what you struggle with/find easier.

[not_so_insig]

Thanks everyone for their reply. I didnt realise that ESA is reassesed after a while, I thought it was forever. Who knows, I may feel different in a couple of years time.

I will have a talk with my CPN when I see her on Thursday and see if she has any suggestions to stop me feeling stagnant.