hmm im sorry if this isnt the right place to put this i have been thinking for the last 10 minutes if this is the place or not ...
I found out about half an hour ago that an online friend that i chat to killed herself last night ,we have become so close and we no everything about eachother ...i also texted her ...i had a message from her sister telling me about what had happend and im really shaking right now and im not sure how i am supposed to handle it ,ive never lost a friend to suicide before ...i felt like she was the only person that i could really talk to about things and now she's gone...she was a little upset last night but she said she was fine ,we were chatting quite late and then she stopped replying to my messages so i thought she had fell alseep but she didnt :( ...but the question im asking myself right now is ..was it my fault ? was there something i could have said ? or done ? ....did i tell her too much about my problems instead of letting her tell me about her's ...we both supported eachother but now i felt like i could have done better and i feel like it is partly my fault that she has done this ....i just feel like there could have been something that i could have said or done to make her feel better ....im really struggling with this im scared this might push me over the edge .....
I'm sorry this happened, losing a friend is never easy. It's not your fault though, she is the one that made the decision to end her life. It sounds like you supported her and that's all you could have done. Are you able to go to her funeral? Or if you can't maybe you could do something nice to remember her by? Try and be gentle with yourself. Take care
kat xxx
"Recovery is something that you have to work
on every single day and it's
something that doesn't
get a day off."
i do feel like its my fault though i know i should have tried harder to help her ....i am not sure if i am able to go to her funeral yet im going to see if i might be able to get intouch with her sister tomorrow ...i feel really guilty
I'm so sorry to hear about the death of your friend. It is an incredibly painful thing to have to deal with and difficult to learn of through a text message. I'm glad you were able to reach out to us here.
Whilst I can appreciate why you might feel guilty or feel it is your fault, it really isn't. It sounds like you were a great friend to her and tried to help her as much as she would let you. If she told you she was okay; it is difficult to know anymore as you aren't a mind reader even though at times we wish we were.
Please take care of yourself and be gentle with you.
It's not your fault, as the above said your not a mind reader. She said she was okay so how were you to believe anything different. Punishing yourself won't change anything, you deserve to be gentle with yourself instead. Take care
Kat xxx
"Recovery is something that you have to work
on every single day and it's
something that doesn't
get a day off."
i should have known she wasnt ok though because the night before she was upset and talking about how messed up her life was and how much she just didnt care about things anymore ...i should have read between the lines and knew what she was talking about but i was so stupid and didnt have a clue
You aren't stupid for not knowing what she was going to do. If you look across RYL, many people write how distressed they are and how they feel their lives are messed up and they don't know what to do etc but many of us manage to find a way to cope with those distressing feelings. It isn't your fault for not knowing her intentions to kill herself. It's highly likely that she purposely kept that information from you.
Please don't punish yourself for this. Your friend wouldn't want that, I am sure your friend would want for you to fight for recovery and live a life that you are happy with.
A good friend of mine killed himself four years ago now and I am still incredibly saddened by his loss. At the time I was beyond devastated, like you I felt guilty, as if I should have known and I wanted to hurt myself for not being able to protect him. In time I was able to see that he wouldn't have wanted me to destroy my own life because of the pain he had felt. I was also able to see just how painful suicide is and whilst I am not recovered yet, he did inspire me to start fighting for myself. I'm not saying it happened overnight at all though - it was a long time before I began to feel even semi human but try and keep up some level of self care if you can such as keeping up eating and drinking. It's okay and natural to cry and be upset, it really is but us for support and people in real life if you can.
It is something that there's no set guide on how to cope with the situation and I guess it's really almost just about muddling through the very painful and intense times ahead.
It might be a little early yet but do you think doing something in your friends memory might be helpful? Shortly after my friend died, I bought some flowers and threw them in to the sea with a little note. Every year since his death I have also released a balloon. It could be anything though such as lighting a candle, writing a letter to your friend, starting a journal where you can share the good times you had together online.
when it ws my grandads brithday i released a balloon with a note on it ...i m going to miss talking to her ...she was talking to me and i thought she had fell to sleep but she killed herself while i was talking to her ...i should have clicked on to something :( ...i dont think i can cope
I understand why you could feel like it's your fault, but you mentioned that she didn't tell you that she was more than a little upset. If she didn't tell you and you didn't know, there's no way you could have done anything for her. Well, she's in a better place, now.
If cats and dogs can get along, why can't we?
Be yourself, don't let those people get to you. :)
and i feel like it is partly my fault that she has done this ....i just feel like there could have been something that i could have said or done to make her feel better ....im really struggling with this im scared this might push me over the edge .....
