Triggered and alone

IdleButDeadly · 08-02-2013, 04:24 AM

I'm trying SO hard to quit... Yesterday I was triggered in my counseling appointment (which I'm going I every week now since I decided to make an honest effort)... I'm almost two Weeks since I last cut. Before that it was a month. I'm trying the things my councilor taught me but I'm just feeling so wigged out, like everything is moving too fast around me, like I'm tumbling down the rabbit hole.

There were only ever two people who have seen me in that state, my BF and my cousin, and it's been YEARS since either of them... Freaking out in front of my counselor was embarrassing but it was nice to have someone talk me through it.

Tonight I'm home alone and scared I'll give in. Not sure what triggered it, it just hit me like a wave.

Pi.R^2 · 08-02-2013, 12:50 PM

*hugs* Sorry you're feeling so triggered. Take it a moment at the time and you can get through this.

Can you talk us through the things your counsellor has taught you? Sometimes explaining things to someone else can help improve our own understanding and ability to use the skills!

Well done for being two weeks free; you're doing great :)

PassedExpectations · 08-02-2013, 08:33 PM

how are you doing today? *hugs* i hope that you are ok and feeling better than you were when you posted.

sometimes when it feels like things are moving to fast, the best thing to do is stop trying to keep up. when i try to keep up, i just get frantic and make myself feel worse. i'm usually better off if i sit and breathe, and take a break, and come back to things when i have settled down (because i always will eventually)

freakangel · 08-02-2013, 10:07 PM

First off congratulations on two weeks SH free that's awesome. I'm sorry that you are struggling right now. It's hard when things feel like they are racing and you have no control. What I try to do is air down and be in the moment. Like I plan only 5 or 10 minutes at a time. For the next five minutes I will be safe and color on paper then when I get thru that I can go ok for the next ten I will be safe and I'll watch tv. The longer you go the easier it kinda gets. I hope your doing alright now. Please game car and be strong.

IdleButDeadly · 08-02-2013, 10:37 PM

*hugs* thank you all for reply and your concern!

I managed to postpone SH... "make it through the next minute" was what I kept telling myself, until eventually it passed.

Still not sleeping all that well, I have a pounding headache most days :(

One of the main things that works for me to get me past that feeling is to draw. That's one of the things that David noticed. One day I was doodling while talking, I looked up and he had this surprised look on his face and explained that he'd never seen me share my feelings like that ever before (and I'd been with him nearly a year at that point), and that clearly drawing was a way to make me feel more myself and open up my mind and feelings a bit more.

Only problem is sometimes I forget, so when I get like that I don't think to draw! I'm also out of sketch books! My BIL told me he'd give me one, maybe I'll ask him when I see him this weekend if the offer still stands :) He is an artist too and has tons of books he said because he rarely draws in the books, more on scraps.

David has taught me lots of skills to help, but not all have actually really helped! One of the most reason things was to distract myself by naming 5 objects in the room, then 4 (different things) then 3 (again, different) etc. etc. until I'm down to zero and hopefully have calmed down. In theory I could see this helping but again, not something I really think of!

It's just hard to go from urge to thinking clearly :S

I didn't harm... but I had a dream I did. :( I hate those dreams, they always feel so real :S

PassedExpectations · 08-02-2013, 10:39 PM

not everything helps everyone. there are tons of things that are worth a try, but then you have to pick out what works for you and modify them so that they are even more effective and tailored to exactly your needs