I am going to say this to you later but I'm really pissed off about it so some Pre ranting here is required.
I can't bloody believe you have booked it for four. Again. The last three times I've seen you it's supposed to have been you, me, TM and maybe A. And we don't bring anyone along because certain things we do, we've done for years and years. Like our Christmas traditions but you bought your partner to that and we didn't really say anything even though TF told me he wasn't happy either and it was the second time you'd done it. Then today you phone to check what time we're meeting and then say 'oh by the way, L is coming'. TM and I wanted to do this, both of us are driving an hour+ to get to yours and it's been arranged nearly a month! At no point did we ask L, in fact I was pretty damn sure I'd nicely said it was going to be just TM, her and I and so had TM. But no. Now L is coming, who seems ok but TF behaves differently (in a negative way), when L is there and sometimes it would be nice to see her without L. I don't expect all the time but things we do 'traditionally' as a group would be nice, hell even if you asked it would be a good start! 'Hey, L wants to come, know it was supposed to be just us but would you mind if I brought her?'
I've stuck up for you with K, J etc about you not being in contact or making plans with ANYONE bar L because I know it's your first proper relationship and still fairly new. I'm getting a bit fucking tired of it to be honest though now.
I've withdrawn myself from my friends for so long that I'm shit scared about being in their company. The thought of meeting up with them later frightens me so much that I feel like being sick. I can't stand the thought of standing there on my own feeling alone again. I can stand feeling that way in my own company, but not other peoples.
What does that mean? I hope I haven't screwed up again and talked about something that wasn't supposed to be made public. I always do that. I don't know why I do that. I get carried away, relish being involved too much I guess. Maybe......
You cannot get through a single day without having an impact on the world around you What you do makes a difference, and you have to decide what kind of difference you wish to make.
Do you not like me?
Did I do something that wrong in the things I do here?
Do I not follow directions well enough?
I try my best and I really care about the animals.
I always try to follow the rules now and not do more than I'm supposed to.
But still most people seem annoyed with me or looks at me like I'm doing something wrong or very stupid.
I've been coming here for almost half my life, and lots of you have only been there a few months or years.
I don't even know why I bother anymore.
Farewell the Ashtray Girl
July 12, 1987-April 30, 2010
Where the fuck are you?! I turn my back for half an hour and suddenly you've disappeared! I really hope D came home from work or something and then took you out somewhere, because otherwise I've fucking lost you somehow and I'll never be forgiven for it. I don't know where you could have gone or what could possibly have happened to you.
Oh my fucking god, can you just shut the fuck up for once?! All you ever do is fucking moan, bitch and whine. Because your life is really fucking hard isn't it? It's not like you ever lost anything ever. Fuck off.
You can't lose hope when it's hopeless.
You gotta hope more,
then put your fingers in your ears and go,
"Blah blah blah blah!"
I'm worried you're not ok because you've not changed your fb picture in over a month and as I have no contact with you any more, that's the only way I know you're still alive...
oh non-believer, please believe me.
is there honestly nothing in this world
that keeps you living & breathing?
you're a ghost in your own
goddamn city.
i miss you so much. and i'm so sorry i didnt take good enough care of you cos i was a selfish little cow. now i just want you back, or make myself join you
