Okay this is going to sound pretty weird but I'm just going to go for it. Recently my scars have been fading loads. At first I was really happy because I've always hated them and had to hide them whenever I left the house. They've faded so much that really only people who know they're there can see them, and even then they are difficult to make out.
But now I'm beginning to find it really triggering, every time I see my arm it just looks wrong. I think I've gotten so used to having them there, and the Idea that they won't be is scaring me a bit, like if they aren't then it's all over and I have absolutely nothing to use to cope when I need it. Yesterday I even considered making a small cut, not too deep, just so there'd be something there. I didn't in the end, but it was one of the strongest urges I've had in a few months.
I'm really not sure what to do, i'm scared I'm going to cut again just to have scars and then it will start all over again.
Fading your scars can be a good thing and a bad thing. To different people it means different things. I know my scars have become like a part if me, I've had them for over half my life now. Could you maybe try like drawing something there, or if your old enough getting a tattoo there. Those are just a couple thoughts. Please continue to be strong, one day you may be able to identify without them and youll be so pleased you didn't pick up a tool and do anything now. Please take care and if you need anything feel free to ask.
Is there some meaning to this life?What purpose lies behind the strife?
Whence do we come, where are we bound? These cold questions echo and resound through each day, each lonely night.
We long to find the splendid light that will cast a revelatory beam
upon the meaning of the human dream.
If you ever need anything I am only a message away
I know the feeling completely... even when my cuts turn into scars that bugs me. I actually explained it to my counselor last session as: "it's like you drew a beautiful picture that has deep meaning to you, it tells a story that's close to your heart... then that picture you put all this time and effort into just faded away. Disappeared. As if it never existed. As if that story had no meaning or point."
Each time you feel the longing for it, try focusing on the positive instead. Write it down if you have to! List every POSITIVE reason for not having those marks anymore. Being able to wear short sleeved shirts, go to the pool/beach, not having to come up with excuses to people who ask, etc.
I've been where you are. When my scars started to fade first time round I went back to self harming and made them so much worse. I look back on it now and wish I could go back in time and give myself a major ass kicking.
I think when we've been ill for so long scars become part of our identity. Almost as a way we'd describe ourselves; brown hair, blue eyes, arm/insert other body part covered in scars.
But its important to recognise the person under all that. Self harm and scars aren't just who you are. If they fade it doesn't change the fact you went through hell and beat that. It just means you're moving on, you're healing and your body is showing you that.
As well as the advice above try listing 5-10 things about you and about who/what you are without recovering self harmer in that list. Positive things only, yeah ;)
Vi Veri Veniversum Vivus Vici.
By the power of truth, I, while living, have conquered the universe.
i like the idea of listing ways of defining yourself, or aspects of yourself, that have nothing to do with harming... being able to break the pattern of seeing yourself as a self harmer, or even ex-self harmer will probably make it easier to see the scars disappear
and i said ex-self harmer shouldn't be on the list, because that is still defining yourself by self harm. truly moving past it and recovering means leaving that behind too. like for me, i still spend a ton of time here, and am certainly and ex-self harmer. that isn't going to change. but i don't see that as a defining or important aspect of who i am, just like i don't see my hair color as an important aspect of who i am
this is my magical medicine cabinet. Left to right they contain: courage, hope, calmness, and strength.
The magical part: They NEVER run out, so borrow some any time you want.
