I understand completely when you say happiness from pills would just be fake. However, I think it could be better to see it this way: Depression is not part of you, it's an illness you currently are struggling with. Therefore, when you get pills to effectively take away the depression, that is more close to "becoming yourself" again than it otherwise would be (without pills). So, view happiness as a part of who you are, and depression as something that is not part of you but just something that you are dealing with right now :) (gosh, rambley, sorry! I hope this makes some sort of sense) xx
I used to be EXACTLY like how you are thinking now - that medication is pointless and its all just fake. However, just because you have tried a lot of tablets, that doesn't mean you haven't tried them all. And you may find that tablet you take one day which actually does make things a little easier.
I dont think medication is about trying to make you happy - its more like trying to make things a little easier for you so you can engage in things like therapy and such and it actually be helpful and worthwhile.
To be perfectly honest, it doesn't really sound like you're very happy at the moment anyway, so maybe you think the tablets are making you feel 'fake' happy because in fact they're not actually working at all, but you think they must be working, and so this is what 'fake' happy feels like to you - miserable. (if that paragraph makes any sense at all! I know what im trying to say!)
Maybe you could talk to your doctor about starting back at square one? Coming off all the medication you take for your mood and starting with a clean slate with a new type of medication? You'd need a break in the middle so the effects of the last ones wearing off don't affect you taking the new one, but maybe it's something worth discussing with your doctor? Because to be honest it sounds like you're getting so frustrated with these tablets that it's actually adding to your problems and potentially making things worse.
Just a thought..
And if you do find a tablet that helps, then it will just make things that little bit easier, so you can take the steps you need to take in order to feel better long term.
And also I just wanted to say, no-one is happy all the time. It's an impossible goal, so try to be realistic in your expectations.
I can't remember being happy either so I can empathise. I'd say that above all, both of us know happy = a good thing, and depressed = a negative thing. So I guess we have to learn that happiness is part of us, but depression isn't. I don't know. Hugs :)
I once read "happiness is only real when shared." Saying that, I feel your pain. I also understand the feeling that medications merely mask your symptoms of illness and don't create 'true' happiness. I can't offer much in the way of words or advice right now as I can barely keep my eyes open but don't give up on yourself. I know 15+ years is a hell of a long time but just remember that nothing is forever.
Everything passes, everything changes. Just do what you think you should do.
Maybe you're over thinking things too much? Instead of trying to work out what's real/not real, maybe try just to live the life that you do have and not analyse too much? Sort of 'go with the flow' haha. I know it must be hard, but sometimes people are handed **** cards in life, so they just have to learn how to deal those cards the best way they can. They'll never have a royal flush (if that actually is something) or a bunch of aces, so they just have to learn how to live with what they do have and deal their cards the best they can. If you can see what I'm trying to say?
I think the fact that you see that as a problem means that there must be some sort of emotion there. I think sometimes when people have hard lives, or difficult things have happened, you become sort of 'hard' to the world. It doesn't really phase you when someone says something that should make 'normal' people feel upset. To be perfectly honest, I am like that as well and I have actually had the same thoughts as you RE: being a sociopath. But I just think it's that you have used up so much emotional energy previously, whether you know it or not, that you just dont have any space to use up some for other people. Also sometimes if people find it hard to trust others, for whatever reason, then they might not get close to people because it's hard to get close to someone if you don't trust them. Other people can be seen as distrustful and sort of 'non-entities' - people don't matter. I don't think you're a sociopath (but obviously if you're that concerned about it, print off what you said and take it to your psych the next time), I think you just see the world as a dangerous and malevolent place, whether you know it consciously or not.
I also think the fact that you want to know what love is like is a pretty good indication that you do have feelings and emotions. Maybe if you were berated for showing emotion, you have just learn that emotion is a bad thing, and so you don't show any emotion and that has become so internalised that you don't even know if you have emotions anymore.
If you want to understand yourself better then why don't you try a different kind of therapy where you can learn about yourself? I feel that when I understand why I do what I do, it does give me much greater control over things.
I have a psychiatrist but whenever I see her I seem "fine" so there's nothing she can do. She suggested more medication but I'm afraid of taking more medication. I take so much that I have to have my liver and other organs constantly tested. Obviously I can't say how many, but trust me, way WAY too much.
She won't do talk therapy obviously...and I don't get along with anyone else. In fact, I don't really trust her anymore anyway.
I don't know what I can offer as advice but perhaps at least a bit of support in terms of knowing how you feel. I didn't like that I was constantly offered more medication or current medication dosage increases every time I said I was feeling worse than before. Then there's being hooked up to a machine to see if your heart is ok because you're on high doses of quetiapine.
How have you been feeling lately? Is there anything you do to try and escape from this? I think everybody should have a little something. Even if it's watching films, going for walks, working out, drawing/painting.
Everything passes, everything changes. Just do what you think you should do.
