Contains abuse - Feeling stuck - how do I stop being an animal abuser?

ebec11 · 11-12-2012, 07:35 AM

Could be graphic, didn't think of that before labelling, sorry. Copied this from a post I did on Wrongplanet.net, though you won't find it unless you're a member. Just wrote it though, so copying it doesn't really make a difference :/ I just feel like I need some different perspectives.

Being somebody who has struggled for years with abusive behaviours towards my pets, I feel frustrated that I'm unable to find any place to find out why I do this. When I was in therapy, my therapists never talked about my animal abuse because it was "past" (shame and fear of losing my pets making me fudge about the timing), though I wonder why nobody at least tried to figure out why I did that. I'm normally a very non-aggressive individual, usually suppressing anger instead of hurting others. Maybe it has to do with control, as my self harm would often come up at the same time, often punishing myself for hurt my cats. I haven't self harmed in about six months, and I would say it's been a year and a half since I've self harmed more then once or twice. But this disgusting behaviour remains.

The most frustrating thing is that it's so black and white. I don't hate my pets, I love them, almost to the point that it hurts and it's obsessive. The times I hurt my pets the most is when they're trying to leave me, I feel like I'm being abandoned. It's not rational, and what sane cat would freaking want to snuggle with somebody who hurts them. But I do it anyway and I feel so horrible about it. I try to justify it, especially now where it's a lot more mild and hardly ever just rage towards annoying behaviours like it often was years ago. But it's not right.

I DO want to make it clear that my pet is not in immediate danger. The abuse would be considered mild, even at it's worst. It's kicks, slaps, and holding on too tight. Ugh, just reading that just makes me sick. During my worst, I gave detail to my therapist about the abuse and nothing happened. That being said, I really don't want to continue doing this, he is the sweetest cat I have ever known, and I don't want to break his trust and break his spirit like I did with the others.

I can't afford therapy right now, and the free therapy I have tried before...crap and I have gotten in bad situations just from going in the bad parts of the neighbourhood. I don't know what to do, I search on the internet and all I find is "SAVE THE ANIMALS, ANIMALS ABUSERS ARE EVIL". I feel enough shame, more shame isn't going to fix anything. I need to actually do something, but what? What can I do?

Please don't judge me too harshly, I don't know if I can take it right now. I'm struggling to stay SI free and my depression and anxiety are getting worse. The suicidal thoughts are starting to come back, and I'm scared. Not severe enough for me to tell anybody, but enough to be concerned.

Epicene · 11-12-2012, 10:11 AM

The fact that you've identified when you're most likely to harm your pets (when you feel abandoned) is a good thing. I'm not sure whether you have discussed abandonment issues in therapy before, but this could be something for you to explore. For example, working out what triggers you to fear them leaving you could prompt you into automatically getting away from them so you can't hurt them.

Also, hurting your pets seems to be making you feel even worse about yourself. Having struggled with depression and self-harm, you don't need any further reasons to feel bad about yourself! Maybe doing the opposite of hurting them - treating them with kindness and love in a variety of ways - could serve to make you feel good in yourself, as well as improving your relationship with them and prevent them getting hurt. Even if you feel really angry and hurt, you can learn to identify this and act in a compassionate way even if it goes against your instincts at the time.

Best of luck.

Shenanigans · 11-12-2012, 02:28 PM

It is brave of you to admit that there is a problem and it is something that needs to be resolved.
As Shed advised, it sounds like you need to get some help in addressing your abandonment issues. I understand that you can't afford therapy right now but do you think you could speak to your doctor about the problems you are having?
It's important to try and be objective in this situation, I understand that you love your pet and that you want the best for them, and their welfare should be a priority in doing that. Is there anyone who could help you look after your cat during the times that you find difficult or triggering? I'm unsure what you mean by your pets "leaving" you. Do you mean when your pet goes outside to roam or something else?
Something you could try is buying a stuffed animal? Perhaps when you feel these triggering situations you can use a stuffed animal as a release for these emotions rather than your pet itself? It might help in relieving these emotions in a safe way that ensures your cats welfare as well as your emotional wellbeing.
Also, you could try setting a strict routine with the care of your cat. Perhaps that will help ease your worry and give you the sense of control that you talked about. Having set times of feeding, playing and letting them out could help reduce the anxiety you feel when you perceive them leaving you, as this would be more under your control? Also, many cats thrive with a sense of structure in their lives.
I hope you're able to resolve this issue.

PassedExpectations · 11-12-2012, 07:48 PM

also, maybe you could try to anticipate when you're going to feel like hurting them, and then make a plan of what to do when you get that abandoned feeling... sometimes just having a alternative plan ahead of time can make it easier to resist the urges

ebec11 · 11-12-2012, 10:22 PM

Can't talk to my doctor, we're trying to switch right now because he's so horrible. I can barely go to him about physical problems, let alone something as personal as this.

Leaving is anytime he leaves to go upstairs, especially if he's been on the bed with me for some time. It's not all the time, just when I'm already feeling empty.

I want to say that normally I'm VERY affectionate and loving towards this cat, more then any other I have had. He's my baby, and perhaps it's almost in a neurotic sense how much I love him and fear him hating/leaving me.

I've dealt with abandonment in therapy, I feel like my father abandoned me, and a year later the abuse started to happen. The abuse has shifted to a point where I rarely if ever hit my cat, it's way more the holding/not letting go stuff. I feel like that's less bad, but maybe I'm just justifying it.

I've also had a LOT of cats go in and out of my live, we used to take in strays a lot, and one of them I had a really big attachment to and got ran over. I still feel sad about that.

_Faint_ · 12-12-2012, 06:14 PM

i think you should give up your pets you cant keep abusing them in this way its unfair to them... you need help please talk to someone and give up your pets

I hate animal abuse myself and never really understood how anyone could do it
you wouldn't want anyone to hurt you in this way so why hurt them ?

Prairie Gal · 12-12-2012, 08:55 PM

ebec11 You seem to know where this behaviour is coming from... your fear of being abandoned.

Thank you for sharing your problem so honestly here. I love animals. However, you are even more precious than an animal, but this does not give you the right to hurt a helpless creature. (You already know this, but remind yourself.)

I believe you can stop by talking yourself through this. Plan ahead of time what you will say and do when the urge comes over you.

When I had to let someone in my life go, I would say out loud while grieving, "I love you enough to let you go." or " I still need and want you so much, but I love you, so will honour your right to choose to go."

I am so sorry your Dad who should be around to hug, support, advise and protect you left. This is a massive wound. I pray you will find a caring person who will help you walk through that loss.

Be gentle with your pets and with yourself.

x_broken_hearted_x · 18-12-2012, 03:02 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by _Faint_

i think you should give up your pets you cant keep abusing them in this way its unfair to them... you need help please talk to someone and give up your pets

I hate animal abuse myself and never really understood how anyone could do it
you wouldn't want anyone to hurt you in this way so why hurt them ?

ebec11 · 21-12-2012, 08:31 AM

I'm not giving up my cat. There is no way. At this point, he doesn't acknowledge this as abuse, he is super affectionate and it is clear I am his #1. I think honestly it would kill him if he moved away, he didn't do well when transitioning to my house and he was much younger.

I'm speaking about this because I fear he will start to hate me like the others did, and I love him. I love him enough to acknowledge this and want to change.

Gofeen · 22-12-2012, 01:32 AM

You know, no matter how much you abuse an animal it will still love you because it depends on you for everything. You are all it knows. It doesn't know any better. Just like children who are abused continue to love their parents. I am off the opinion that if there is any chance of you hurting an animal at all then you should not have one and I would urge you to rehome this cat. You know you are doing it, you know it is wrong and unless you can be certain you will never, ever do it again (and I don't think you can) then you must take steps to prevent it happening. It would be wrong of me to say anything else. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but it's reality.

Uglyducklin · 22-12-2012, 08:28 AM

Hi ebec11 I first want to say you are incredibly brave to have explained your situation here. In order to protect yourself and your cat could you give your cat to a foster home until you have worked through the abandonment issues that cause you to harm your animals and then first and foremost your cat is safe and you don't feel worse? Sometimes it's about doing what's right for the animal and by keeping your cat with you while you are at risk abusing it that is poor welfare for your animal.Please consider what is best for your animal as if you don't give up your pet perhaps you aren't as committed to stopping the abusive behaviour as you say and that is something you need to think about. I don't know your story but if it is a cycle of abuse you are perpetuating you could be the first person to break the cycle and heal. Please do what is best for your cat.

skylarks123 · 22-12-2012, 11:15 AM

I think that if you give up your cat, it may improve the situation for him but it might also make you feel really abandoned and you would feel worse. Instead, why don't you call a friend or come onto RYL whenever you feel empty so you can talk to someone instead of channeling your rage into hurting either you or your cat. I don't think that it would be fair to condemn you for feeling this way nor would it be fair to force you to give up the cat but you do need to change this behaviour soon for the sake of your pet.

xx

PassedExpectations · 22-12-2012, 02:32 PM

what skylarks said

Pops. · 22-12-2012, 07:06 PM

How have you been managing since you started this thread? Have you hurt your cat at all? I hope that you are in the process of working through all of this. Brave of you to talk about it here definitely, but even braver if you are successful in stopping this behaviour. Good luck x

ebec11 · 24-12-2012, 03:57 PM

I've been doing better overall, had one bad night where I just struggled to let go of him at all but managed to do so after forcing myself to think about how he's feeling, not just how I'm feeling.
I agree with you skylarks, and I would give him up if I truly felt he was in danger, but I actually feel like both he and I would be the worst off for it.

Rodolphus · 24-12-2012, 05:32 PM

I'm glad that you've been feeling better and managed to control your behaviour by empathising with how he must have been feeling, that's excellent. It's obvious that you love your pet very much. Think about it another way; if you were with someone for a long period of time (especially in close contact) and just needed a bit of space or time alone, would that mean that you were abandoning them and didn't love them any more, or would that just mean that you could use some time alone/to stretch your legs/have a change of surroundings?

Cryptic. · 24-12-2012, 05:47 PM

Hi there ebec,

I'm sorry you are struggling so much with such dark feelings and thoughts, but I think the fact you've been doing better proves you really do want to change your behaviors.

I believe you when you say you love your cat, the love you can have for an animal is absolutely incredible.

I myself have a cat, well, kitten in my eyes, she's only nearly 3 years old, so she's still a wee baby to me, and I love her to the end of the world and back, and cats can be ever so wonderful and so unqiue, I personally, like you, don't know any other cat like mine, I consider her a daughter if I'm honest, she's like family to me, so I understand how powerful the love for an animal can be, and it can be very encouraging and you can use that as strength in fighting these thoughts/behaviors.

And it's not that I don't get upset when I hear about people being abusive to animals, but I do wonder "what would cause that person to do something like that", because yes, it is cruel, and it's awful, but that doesn't mean that the behavior(s) can't be stopped or changed and that the person can't change themselves, too.

I'm wondering if there is anything you can put in place for the times you feel most at risk of engaging in these behaviors. Could you maybe write yourself a letter, and read it when you feel like you want to do anything? Or write a long list of distractions that could help the feelings pass while distracting yourself?

I do think maybe talking to a professional about it may help, too, though. They could offer you some sort of specialized therapy in helping with the behaviors and in stopping them and changing them.

I really hope you keep doing well and that you will win in the battle of these thoughts/behaviors, because it is possible, you're not a bad person, but these are bad behaviors, and they can be changed and stopped, it's about patience, strength and determination, just like when changing any other behavior.

You can post here any time you know, especially if you're needing support or encouragement or advice.

Keep on fighting and trying, you can do it.

x

Kyaneos · 24-12-2012, 07:40 PM

I have to agree with those who have suggested you give the cat up or at least rehome him/her until you have dealt with your issues. Your cat needs you to survive so is always going to be affectionate.

I disagree with Prairie Gal that you are more precious than your cat... I am VERY big on animal rights and in my honest opinion they are complately equal to us... so just as you are very precious, your cat is just as much so!

I cant help but feel that if we were talking about a child here, people would be saying very different things. I am not judging you, I agree that you have been incredibly brave by coming here and asking for advice and embracing your problem... but you KNOW its a problem... and I feel that if you really do love your cat, which I believe you do, you will do what is best for him by rehoming him until you are in a better position to not harm him. No animal or human deserves to be abused in any way, and I think it is selfish that you keep him, because he doesnt deserved to be slapped and kicked and squeezed too tight... you WILL be killing his spirit no matter how much you think you arent.

Please honour his trust in you by doing what is right by him, if you cant say for certain that you will never harm him in any way again, then you should give him up until you can say that for certain. That is what you would do for a child, I see no difference with this being an animal.