am i suicidal or just...???

butterflymom · 26-11-2012, 05:16 PM

i don't think i really want to die. but i keep having thoughts of trying...but in my thoughts i never actually die. someone stops me or finds me and i live. but i wonder what people would do and say, if they would care. i honestly don't think people's daily lives would change that much if i were to disappear.

is this being suicidal, or just a desperate longing for attention, for someone to care?

or maybe it's one of those things that i won't feel like i am sick enough to need help until i am desperate enought to end things.

sorry if this sounds stupid. i just can't get the thoughts out of my head, how i would do it if i really had to.

thePainWillFade · 26-11-2012, 05:46 PM

To me, it sounds like a desperate cry for help, love, attention, something. Only you know if you would truly go through with it or not, but I think if your thoughts always end with someone saving you or you living somehow, it sounds like you don't actually want to die, but perhaps you're just not sure how to survive either. I would really suggest finding some help before those feelings get any worse though.

PassedExpectations · 26-11-2012, 08:27 PM

i think it can be both at the same time. like thumbelina said, when i'm feeling like that i tend to think of it as passively suicidal (whereas actively suicidal would be out to actually do it in the near future).

however, you deserve support, and you deserve it now! you don't have to be on the verge of killing yourself to need help. think about physical ailments. you wouldn't say that someone with strep throat shouldn't get antibiotics because they don't need their tonsils out yet. getting the treatment sooner can prevent more serious actions needing to be taken. it is easier for everyone that way, and saves the sick person a lot of pain... it is the same here. you're certainly struggling now, and seeking help before you hit full blown crisis is usually more effective than trying to put everything back together after it has all blown up

Accidentally Abstract · 26-11-2012, 08:54 PM

I think passively suicidal is probably a good term for it.
& I can sympathise at the moment.
I hope you feel better soon. x

butterflymom · 27-11-2012, 06:22 PM

i don't have anyone to really talk to about this anymore. i don't have any real friends anymore. and the one person i use to talk to about this stuff was my friend/couselor/pastor at church....and he doesn't have that position anymore. even though i know i could always plan on a meeting with him to talk anytime, or so he says, it's just not the same. he is busy and has his own things, it's not his 'job' anymore to listen to all my crap. i seriously don't have any close friends...they all got tired of me or too busy for me. and i have never been able to talk to my husband about any of this--he doesn't understand and i can always see the hurt and confusion and worry in his eyes whenever i get down.

i just feel very fascinated with suicide right now. and that sounds horrible. how can i verbalize that to people?

PassedExpectations · 27-11-2012, 06:43 PM

hey, i've just gone through the same thing with my pastor who i was really close with leaving my church. it really really shook me up at first, especially going to the service where he "dissolved' his relationship with our congregation. i was bawling actually. but what he said, and what he has really showed in his actions, is that he hasn't dissolved his relationship with me. i can still call and talk to him, and he cares and helps just as much as he did before, and still can give me guidance. my bet is that it will be the same for you, so i would give him a call.