Hi. I haven't posted in while because I guess over the holidays, things went well, they were great even, with just a couple of 'down' days. But now I'm back at school and I'm in 6th form. (Last two years of school for non-UK people here).
I thought I was scared last year, when we were picking our IB subjects, but I was wrong. That was just a little fright compared to how I feel now that College and University Admissions Tutors are showing up daily. Now that University and Work and Job are used every other sentence. Don't get me wrong, I really want to go to Uni, I can't wait to get out of school, even if I'm a bit nervous.
What worries me, is I have no passions, no idea of what I want to do or where I want to go. This eternal debate plagues every single teenager at some point or other. Difference is, everyone here knows what they want to do and where they want to go - Doctors, Lawyers, Traders, Vets, Actors.... Harvard, MIT, Yale, Duke, Cambrige, Oxford, Bath, LSE.... That's all that's on anyone's mind right now. Chem Bio for the scientists. Physics Maths for engineers. Art for the architects.... And then there's me.
I've been telling everyone that I want to study physics/astrophysics/aeronautics at uni. My dream was to be an astronaut. I'm serious. I'm a 16 year old girl who wants to be a fighter pilot and an astronaut. Or so I thought. I think I never really wanted to become those things, I've just convinced myself of it by telling other people, hoping that I would be ok with it deep down (does that make sense?). But honestly, I don't know. I don't know what I enjoy. I really don't. Unless I have the wrong definition of "enjoy" or "not enjoy", I don't feel anything towards any of my subjects. I'm not PASSIONATE about anything.
After that long ramble, my question to you, adults on here, how/why/when did you know what you liked and what you wanted to do?
On a side note, some more history that's probably not too relevant but if you're interested....:
The following content has been hidden - Reason : not particularly relevant
When I was 7 I discovered the beautiful discipline that is horseriding. I lived in Russia when I began riding once a week. I rode for 3 years, almost 3 and a half, at the same stables, with the same coach and the same ponies. My coach was harsh, mean and evil, and to begin with, I hated her. She would yell at me, exhaust me, everything short of insults was hurled at me ("you're useless" is as bad as it got) but eventually, after about a year, I'd started to get better. My subconscious would make me comply to her rules before she had the time to notice the mistakes, I guess you could say my level was improving. I started doing more complex things, dressage figures, a little bit of jumping. After 2 and a half years, when I was 10, I was finally allowed my first ride on a horse. I don't remember it particularly vividly, but what I do remember is it being so much damn work. My legs were too short to wrap around the horse properly and I didn't have the strength required to push this horse along. But I had fun I guess. A lot of fun. And my coach had started yelling at me again, which had brought back so many memories, good and bad. And I left beaming from ear to ear. I even saw my coach smile as I got down. Whether she was laughing at me or whether it was something else, I will never know. But I'd never seen her smile before, so that, to me, was a good thing.
A few months later, I found out my dad was changing jobs and that we were moving to England. I was heart-broken. I didn't want to leave, as much as I had grown to dislike Moscow, I would have sacrificed everything to stay, just so that I wouldn't have to leave my stables. What really tore me appart was my penultimate riding lesson. One of the other coaches had commented to mine that she should have started training me for competitions long ago. It destroyed me to the point that I begged my parents to let me stay and live with my grandmother. But of course they would never leave their 11 year old daughter alone in a big scary city, even with family. So we left, leaving behind any hopes I'd had of becoming a professional rider.
This is one thing that I could never forgive my parents for. I know very well that the decision to leave wasn't up to them, but fate clearly didn't want me to be happy. I've never had a coach who's made me feel so complete ever since. I still enjoy being around horses, but I no longer get the kick I used to get out of it. If I could, I would go back and train, but it's too late, and my family don't have the means for me to have my own horse. being at boarding school doesn't help with the timetable, they're a huge lot of work and responsibility. I just can't help feeling like there's a part of me that's missing, that's still attached to the doors of my favourite pony's stall.
One day, you asked me to choose between you and my life,
I chose my life and you left,
But you didn't know that My Life is you.
Don't worry about choosing university courses/career paths. When I was coming out of sixth year and my friends were going to university, I thought I had to force myself into a course or qualification to get into university like everyone else. But I soon realised that I'm not that old, I really do have my whole life ahead of me to decide. I've spent the past few years trying out various college courses to see if they suited me, giving me a taster of the potential university courses and I'm still not 100% set on what I want to do, but I've narrowed it down to two options. Going to college really helped me because courses I thought I wanted to do, I realised weren't the best for me. I've also decided to use the time to get a part-time job and save up for university, so the costs aren't so bad.
Sorry I've rambled, but what I'm really saying is don't worry, you may feel the pressure now but there really isn't any :) You have your whole life ahead of you to decide what to do!
Don't let it get you down sweetheart. I didn't have a clue what I wanted to do in that time. And those people that are so very sure? Most of them will probably change at some point. When my mum's boyfriend's son went to uni he was certain he wanted to be a teacher, but he ended up doing something completely different. I only worked out what I wanted to do a couple of years ago, but it's taken until now to get my kick up the bum to actually do it.
On the horse riding note, could you not take it up here? It sucks when you have to stop doing the thing you love.
On the horse riding note. I always wanted to work with horses then i decided to be a vet nurse so i could have my own horse. After that I changed my mind and thought about becoming an equine vet nurse. I love showjumping and xc but I dont want to be a top eventer really. So now I am still going to become a nurse, a mh nurse and have a horse. I know loads of people who want to be top eventers or do equine therapy . So i would say if theres something you want to do then . Go for it :)
xx
