There is part of me that is primed always for attack, expecting anyone and everyone to attack her, even innocent people, and she will defend me to the ends of the earth, as it were. No matter what I do, I can't seem to change this. I am going to work in more depth on it in therapy, but I would also like to hear other people's perspectives from those who deal with similar, and preferably have done some work on it.
I don't mean to hurt people with it, but it happens because I'm so afraid of being hurt, but I end up hurting myself and others and it sucks, really. I feel so ashamed of it. I also feel really sad about it, because things must have been pretty awful for such a deeply embedded thing to take root so.. um, deeply.
I feel so utterly alone in the world with this. It's frightening to live with it, and frightening to apparently also be the only one, or at least with it manifesting in this way.
I always feel as though people are going to attack me and that I should cordon myself off from everybody, even becoming ashamed of things that I like and dislike, as they might not be what other people feel. I used to be much more defensive about this but recently I've let my guard down a bit. I started being more genuine and accepting myself a little and people have reciprocated positively. They may disagree with me sometimes but at least they respect that I feel how I feel and they definitely haven't wanted to hurt me because of who I am, it's been more circumstancial or something.
Why do you think that everyone is going to hurt you?
Thank you Belle. It sounds like you've done some good work there. :)
Uh. It's not a rational thing, though being stared at or laughed at when I'm obviously doing 'vulnerable' behaviours [moving my seat on the bus when I feel uncomfortable near someone for example].
Below the surface it's because of all the trauma stuff in my life. In particular the bullying. And later stuff too. Plus living in East London for 3 years where things happened that really weren't very safe at all. Though *I* was ok. Well, when I was supply teaching I wasn't really. People who've not been there can totally underestimate what a seriously traumatic job it can actually be. Plus a lot of the years I was in the job I was very unwell [this was before I was having support].
My body-mind remembers stuff that hurt me from way back, and it can't forget it. It's right in my cells. Right in my brain chemistry. Obviously having people be kind displaces/eclipses it, but that's not going to happen when I'm unkind, even when I don't mean to be. Does that make sense? It's just an utterly horrible, double bind situation to be in.
I think that, with this kind of thing, it's a little bit about what you make it? For example, I have been incredibly agitated in places, such as in a shopping centre as I dislike crowds and feared a panic attack. I moved out of the crowds and sat down against the wall or somewhere. People looked at me but it was only for a second whilst they passed and, more often than not, they were too caught up in their own business anyway.
It can be so difficult when you feel jumpy and consumed by the fear that people are going to hurt you but they aren't, I can reassure you of that. Okay, so some people might and I cannot promise that nobody will but I know that the majority of people are stuck thinking about themselves, how they're coming across, what they're going to cook for dinner, whatever. Honestly, I bet quite a few people are more similar to you than you'd think!
I can see why the bullying and the supply teaching would make you feel more edgy. My mum was a supply teacher and she told me a lot about her job, not all of it was a walk in the park. However, what it's important to realise is that these events are somewhat isolated and are in such an environment. The children will be difficult in school because they do not want to be there (as well as other reasons, of course) but are probably not going to hurt a passer-by who has done them no harm. As a teacher you can be seen as threat but not the ordinary citizen.
I suppose it is about separating the past from the present and the present from the future. Just because something has happened before, doesn't mean it needs to happen again or that it will do. The past doesn't set the future in stone, it simply can shape your opinions and your responses and how you think - that's not the future or the present. Maybe the past is what you make of it and you can use this to your advantage, Katie, I know you can and that you'll find a way through this.
Our brain is a funny thing. You can have a million people kind to you but still be hung up on that one person that wasn't. I know that it's not easy but I think it's about re-training your brain not to be so unkind to you and to see the world in a more positive light. You can do this via experiments - that's what I do... and if one doesn't work out, try another one. I see how many people I can get to smile on the way to work or at work. It's a small test but it makes me feel good when someone smiles back or more determined if they don't. Does that make sense? Start small and work upwards.
“The good things don’t always soften the bad, but vice-versa, the bad things don’t necessarily spoil the good things and make them unimportant.”
“Nobody important? Blimey, that’s amazing. Do you know, in nine hundred years of time and space I’ve never met anyone who wasn’t important before.”
“If it’s time to go, remember what you’re leaving. Remember the best. My friends have always been the best of me.”
“The good things don’t always soften the bad, but vice-versa, the bad things don’t necessarily spoil the good things and make them unimportant.”
“Nobody important? Blimey, that’s amazing. Do you know, in nine hundred years of time and space I’ve never met anyone who wasn’t important before.”
“If it’s time to go, remember what you’re leaving. Remember the best. My friends have always been the best of me.”
Things seem a little bit calmer in one sense.. thanks for asking...
I'm continuously properly understanding more and more.
Like, I have big issues with being given responsibilities. I either go the whole hog and come across pathologically perfectionist, or I shirk them completely and sulk and go all resentful... not a nice combo. Sometimes I even have a bit of both going on at once... :| This is because I was never trusted with anything when I was growing up. Or for years as a young adult. To my father [who'd endured emotional abuse/controlling type behaviours from his Mum, growing up and into adulthood]. Countless times I was called 'a useless female' or 'useless object'. The same for my Mum, she had that treatment too.
[Please note that my father mellowed with age, and, while he has his quirks, he is not like that any more. Also my work in therapy has helped change my family relationships too.]
Obviously I usually ascribe the bullying as being the cause of my 'attack complex', believing people are always after me.. but living with a father who had [undiagnosed and untreated, but there none the less] paranoia takes it's toll too. Every time we had something new and he/we couldn't get it to work just right, it was 'ruined', and, yes, it was either me or my Mum or both of us who had ruined it. On purpose. If something didn't go quite right, the day was ruined. If a meal was a little over cooked or cool, then the whole meal was ruined too. Damn, I 'ruined' a heck of a lot of things just by existing, being in the same room and breathing the same air.. I'm understanding more and more about this as I type.. and understanding gives me a feeling of more empowerment and hope to conquer this. Also when he'd lost something, either Mum had 'hidden it on purpose', or 'someone's been in and taken it/hidden it'. It was a very frightening and hostile environment to live in, and no wonder it's left me with so much fear and anger which I struggle often to manage.
“The good things don’t always soften the bad, but vice-versa, the bad things don’t necessarily spoil the good things and make them unimportant.”
“Nobody important? Blimey, that’s amazing. Do you know, in nine hundred years of time and space I’ve never met anyone who wasn’t important before.”
“If it’s time to go, remember what you’re leaving. Remember the best. My friends have always been the best of me.”
I tend to shrink into a little ball in my head in those situations. I can feel myself physically going. It's not a nice feeling. So although I don't have the same outward reactions as you I do have the same inner feelings about things and I know how horrid it is.
Random side thing I also get that ruined feeling your dad used to get when something goes wrong. Mine is related to OCD. That's also a horrid feeling.
Thank you Sam.
I'm sorry that you know how it can feel, though glad that I am not as alone in this as I felt/feel.
The thing is, I also retreat away at the same time as the attacking defensive behaviours explode.
Right now I'm having a hard time with the connection of being given targets at work which the emotionally immature and traumatised mind in me anticipates my total failure in, because of how I failed at teaching - which also connected with my struggles with assertiveness. It's not a same situation at all, but the connections are enough for at least one 'self' in me to feel under attack.
It feels so horrible that I was bullied at school as a pupil then as a supply teacher partly because I never fought back, as it were, and just *took* it all. And now things are mostly safer and I end up getting into this state where I fight back against things nowhere near as severe, and end up getting bullied [well, being called a 'nutter', 'skinny bitch' and other nasty things by random strangers who witness my breakdown attack complex states] all over again.
I am making some headway into this in therapy, and it hurts so so much.
