I am hurting her :(

[Pollyanna]

I saw it in her eyes today, when she looked at me that all this stuff with me has just destroyed her. I never meant to hurt her, I really didn't. In fact I thought I was doing everything to not hurt her and to keep her happy but I have failed. She's my Mum and I love her so much and would lay down my life for her but I am like this poison to her, slowly drawing all the life out of her. She is not as she used to be, sadder and less content with all around her. I gave that to her - so what does that make me?! A useless selfish daughter. If i had died she would hurt but she would move past it one day but I am making her live like this. I try to hide as much as I can but sometimes she sees it and it hurts her - more than it hurts me I think but then when I see her like today I think I must be so destructive to have caused her so much pain and worry. I haven't even got the words for her, I can't explain to her how much I worry about the effect of me on her. I feel so much guilt.

[fergieferg]

I am sorry :( I know exactly how it feels to try and protect your mother..my mom still doesn't know. You are not useless. You are who you are and you are where you are for such a time as this. One day you will look back at this and smile. Your story will help another girl. And so on and so on. Hope things gets better message me anytime :)

-fergieferg :)

[Delephynite]

Please don't think like that. Take those thoughts and throw them far, far away.

A mother's love for their child is something you can't understand unless you have your own children. Your mother would NEVER get over you taking your own life. She would be devastated. Think. Put yourself in her shoes. How would you feel if your child took their own life?

I used to be in your position and I thought the same; that taking my own life would help my family but its wrong. It's skewed thinking from your illness.

If you want to stop your mum feeling like this then you need to use this as the guiding force for recovery. Tell yourself you're doing it for HER and when you feel like you can't go on then you need to remind yourself that your doing it to give your mum her peace of mind back. It's what happened with mine, once I'd recovered and she knew I was safe and healthy it was like she was a different person.

It feels like its impossible sometimes but its not. I promise.

[Porcelain Child]

Please don't think like that, your mum would be so upset if you killed yourself.. I know it easy to say oh she move on but its even harder to move on from grief if its suicide.. I am sorry you feel like you are the fault of your mums mood, have you got any professional help, someone you can talk to outside of your family, cos that might help you..

[Pollyanna]

Hi guys, thanks for your words, this place makes me feel so much less lonely at times. Meant to see my therapist this afternoon, but I feel like she judges me and sometimes I can't find the right words. I just don't want to destroy my Mum like I destroy everything else. I can't lose her.

[fergieferg]

:) get better for your mom.