afraid...

controlfreak110 · 11-08-2012, 07:54 AM

my ed has been getting stronger and stronger. the fear now controls me. afraid of food, afraid of gaining weight, afraid of people stepping in and putting an end to it. i know i am the only one to blame, i looked the other way. did what the voice in my head wanted me to do, cause things get ugly when i ignore her. she is the puppeteer now, controlling my every move. i can't kill myself even though i want to, but she is helping me die. i don't want to cut the strings and even if i did, i wouldn't have the strength to stand on my own. i want to disappear. she tells me that if i die from not eating they'll say it was anorexia, not suicide. but some days it feels like it's taking too long

neo · 11-08-2012, 09:02 AM

Oh hun, I am so sorry to hear you're struggling so much right now. Please know that you are not alone, I hear you, and I know what the fear and depression you're experiencing is like. Please hang in there, things will get better <3
Is there anything particularly stressful going on in your life right now, that is making things harder for you? Have you ever sought professional help for your ED?

controlfreak110 · 11-08-2012, 09:39 AM

i've been to both inpatient and outpatient treatment for my eating disorder. i was discharged from the most recent this past christmas. when i got back home i started seeing a therapist but that ended a while ago. i also stopped taking my meds for depression cause they weren't covered by insurance and i can't afford them. but they weren't really helping anyways so it would've just been a waste of money. i live at home with my family right now and that can be stressful a lot of the time. i just started dating someone. he's great and amazing and thoughtful. but it's hard. i've gone on for so long thinking that everyone would be better off without me, believing it. i know that when i'm gone it will hurt a lot of people and the less people i hurt the better. i feel like my being alive is more of a hurt to them than my death would be, like it's the lesser of two evils. i am so scared of being in a relationship. i'm scared he'll leave me or i'll do something so horrible to push him away so he doesn't get the chance. he tell me not to do anything that would make my parents send me away again. i'm stuck in my hell. i can't talk to anyone because if they knew what i was really thinking, they would lock me away.

neo · 11-08-2012, 10:17 AM

I can really relate to a lot of what you just said hun. Even though I'm not currently feeling the same way, I certainly have in the past. I know how much it hurts <3

Quote:

Originally Posted by controlfreak110

i feel like my being alive is more of a hurt to them than my death would be, like it's the lesser of two evils.

This is absolutely NOT true. I know from personal experience that suicide completely destroys the lives of all the loved ones left behind, even if you try and tell yourself that it won't. It is so devestating. Please keep fighting.
The only reason your parents would send you back to inpatient is because they want you to be happy and healthy. You are their baby girl and they only want the best for you.
I know you said you've tried therapy and meds, but there are always more options to try. Remember that the way you're feeling now is still a transient state, even though it might feel like it will never end. Things WILL get better, but you have to stick around for that to happen. Don't give up <3

controlfreak110 · 11-08-2012, 10:58 AM

i have had this though/feeling/belief for over half of my life. i'm tired of it and so is my family, they have told me many times.

angel of despair · 11-08-2012, 11:02 AM

Can you ask to see someone else? I can promise you that people will be upset if you died even if you think they wont be.

controlfreak110 · 11-08-2012, 11:13 AM

it's really hard to find someone willing to work with me because of my history :s

angel of despair · 11-08-2012, 11:19 AM

If you go through your GP they have to refer you dont they?

controlfreak110 · 11-08-2012, 11:32 AM

yeah but a referral doesn't mean they'll work with me and i had one place said my weight got too low

neo · 11-08-2012, 12:30 PM

Man, those loopholes in the medical system really really upset me. Sorry you got told that controlfreak, that is so frustrating.

I just want to encourage you to stay strong and KEEP TRYING hun. You're fighting for your life here, there is nothing more important. Go back to your doctor, get a new referral, try a new therapist, try a different anti-depressant, do whatever it takes.

The title of this thread says that you're afraid, which indicates to me that you don't want this to end badly. You still want things to get better. Remember that <3