Is there anyone here who has placed their baby for adoption? Or anyone here that was adopted?
Or has had an unplanned pregnancy and decided to keep the baby?
I'm pregnant, not married, no job, shitty car that is about to break down any minute, my boyfriend doesn't have his own car (he shares one with his brother though) and doesn't have a job either other than doing yard work for some family friends. My boyfriend has made it clear that he wants me to get an abortion, but I can't do it. I just don't believe in it, although I don't judge people who do get them. So I'm thinking about adoption, since he has made it clear that he doesn't want the baby and I really want the baby to have a mother and a father present in its life. I am also not ready to have a baby. I have only just finished my first year of college, and am about to start my second. I just think it would be terribly hard to finish college and have a kid, and have a job to make enough money to support myself and my kid.
However, I feel adoption would be extremely hard on me as it is hard for me to think of someone else raising my child and me not having a say in how they are raised...also I love kids so much and have always wanted kids of my own. My boyfriend says that he thinks it would put me into an even worse depression than abortion would if I did adoption. I know it would be very hard for me, but it might be what's best for the baby..
I want to hear of anyone's stories if they have been adopted or placed their child for adoption? If I did do adoption I would make sure that I chose a family that would let the child know that I did it because I felt that he/she might have a better life. I just don't want him/her wondering why his parents don't want him.
Whatever it is, you can get through it. I promise.
Hi,
I don't have any personal experience but I know people who are adopted and who have put their babies up for adoption. The actual process will depend on what country you live in. For example in New Zealand you can choose the parents you want your baby to go to and you can choose whether to have an open or closed adoption. Closed is like the old-fashioned style where you have no further contact with the baby unless they find you once they're an adult. Open is where you would visit or write or send photos ets and have an ongoing role in your child's life even though you're not the child's legal parent - more like an aunty or something.
The people I know who are adopted love their parents and some want to find their birth mothers and others don't as they feel they don't need to. They were all told they were adopted once their parents thought they were old enough to understand.
Hope this helps a bit.
Even as the stone of the fruit must break
that its heart may stand in the sun,
so must you know pain.
There are only two ways in which one can live their life. One is as though nothing is a miracle, the other is as though everything is.
Thank you. It does help quite a bit. I live in the US, and I know that I would be able to choose the parents. My boyfriend wants more of a closed adoption, and says that he doesn't want to be involved in it at all, but I think I would like an open one if I did choose to do it, just so I could get pictures and emails probably not have actual visits until the child was older and could understand who I was, because I think it would be very hard for me to visit all the time and have to act like I'm not really the child's parent.
Whatever it is, you can get through it. I promise.
I think you ought to really speak to someone about and it and get counselling first because it is a massive decision to make. While an open adoption may sound like a good option you have to think would you be able to cope with it.
What do your parents/bf parents feel about the situation?
"Its not how long a star shines, what is remembered is the brightness of the light"
I don't know how my mom feels about it yet. She told me she needs time to think about it and process it because she was just shocked when I told her. (I just told her last night).
My boyfriend's parent's aren't really in the picture but I did talk to the person that is his mother figure pretty much (their family situation is complicated) about it. (she wanted to know why I just randomly took my stuff and left, because my boyfriend said he needed space for a few days because he's upset that I won't get an abortion) She agrees with me on not getting an abortion, because she doesn't believe in them either and she said that I need to do what's best for me and the baby, and that my boyfriend will probably come around once he comes to her and tells her and realizes she's not going to kick him out and he'll still be able to finish college and that his future isn't over.
Whatever it is, you can get through it. I promise.
Also I definitely agree with you that I would have to go to counseling about it, and will be doing that soon. It's hard for me to imagine actually having an open adoption but at the same time, it might be even harder for me to have a closed one and possibly not ever know how the child is doing.
Whatever it is, you can get through it. I promise.
Thank you Ballerina. It is really hard especially with my boyfriend's reaction...I just want to make sure that I make the best decision because this is the biggest decision I've ever had to make.
Whatever it is, you can get through it. I promise.
I think you should wait for your mum to process it, it could be she is willing to help you raise the child so you can still go to college, but you have to decide if you want to keep them or give them away.
"Its not how long a star shines, what is remembered is the brightness of the light"
I don't have any personal experience, but I just wanted you to know that it sounds like this baby is off to a great start. (that may seem like sarcasm since you can't hear my tone of voice, but I'm absolutely serious.) Always keep baby's best interest in mind. If you can find a way to keep it, that's the way I would personally go. But if that's absolutely not an option, or you genuinely feel that won't be best for you and baby, then definitely get started with a counselor now to work out all the details and feelings. I wish you the best of luck, sweetie.. *hugs*
"It's just like the story of the grasshopper and the octopus. All year long, the grasshopper kept burying acorns for winter, while the octopus mooched off his girlfriend and watched TV. But then the winter came, and the grasshopper died, and the octopus ate all his acorns. Also he got a race car. Is any of this getting through to you?" ~ Philip J. Fry
I talked to my mom and told her an adoption would be really hard for me to go through and she said that if I kept the baby and my boyfriend wasn't going to raise it with me that she would want me to move back in with her for at least the first six months to a year after I have it so that she could help me out. I think that keeping it might be the right option for me, if I can manage to get my life together and get a job and be able to provide for him/her. I'm not absolutely sure yet though if I will keep it. Mostly I'm scared of my boyfriend's reaction when i tell him and also I'm scared of raising a child all by myself.
Whatever it is, you can get through it. I promise.
Your boyfriend will probably come around, it is always a shock. But plenty people have children young and go on to finish education and get a job, not every ends up living with no job and little money.
And you wouldn't be alone, you would have your mum.
"Its not how long a star shines, what is remembered is the brightness of the light"
*hugs* That's awesome if your mom will help you out. Think about what's best for you and baby right now and go with your gut. Your boyfriend might come around after the baby's born. But there is the chance he won't- but as long as you are prepared for that and to do the best by your baby. Which I think the fact that you are thinking about all of this shows you are, and you'll be an awesome mom!!
Another way to look at is if you did put the baby up for adoption, and say 6months, a year down the line you and your boyfriend separate- would you feel more guilty then? And would you feel like he had made you give up your chance of a baby and happiness if you gave the baby up?
Don't get me wrong, it won't be easy. And I know you would like the baby to have a mother and a father, but having a mother and grandmother who can do a great job is just as good. As long as he/she is loved and provided for. It will be tough being at college, but a friend of mine did it and graduated with distinction. It is possible, you can do it if that's what you want.
Well good luck whatever you decide, I know you have a lot to think about. Try speak to a counselor or someone independant who can help you weigh it all up. Take care x
I'm not adopted, and ive never adopted a child. But a family at church that I know has two adopted children. They did an open adoption so that the mothers are allowed to hear about the children and visit sometimes. They don't have any sort of custody of course, but the adopted parents allow them to visit every now and then to see their kids.
Don't give up the baby just because your boyfriend doesn't want it. If you really do want to keep your child, don't listen to anyone else. But don't feel guilty or anything for wanting to put him/her up for adoption either :)
I applaud you for saying decidng against abortion and realizing that there are other options.
Good luck in whichever decision you make!
The way I see it, every life is a pile of good things and bad things. Good things don't always soften the bad things, but vice versa, the bad things don't necessarily spoil the good things or make them unimportant. - 11th Doctor
One may have a blazing hearth in one's soul and yet no one ever comes to sit by it. Passersby see only a whisp of smoke rising from the chimney and continue on their way. (Vincent van Gogh)
I've personally no experience with adoption, but I have thought about my options alot.
I did always think that if I got pregnant I would carry and put up for adoption , but frankly, I was being selfish, and just liked the idea of pregnancy, there are too many unwanted and up for adoption children for me to feel comftable to add to it.
I've deleted half the things I've written because I feel they'd be inappropriate, ... I don't want to be too harsh to someone in a crap situation!
But... abortion is ending cells before they develop.. It's not murder, or killing a child or anything even remotely like that.
i'm a single parent, my son is 4 1/2 years old. i knew from falling pregnant that i'd be raising him alone, i went through all of my options and decided to keep him and raise him alone. i am now about to start university (college?) which is something i would never have done had it not been for my son. He has changed my entire life for the better, it is hard and tiring but you have got your mother's support which will be great. You sound like you are really mature and thinking things through really sensibly.
i won't lie to you - if you keep him / her it WILL be hard but it will be the most worthwhile and rewarding thing you'll ever do. If you want to discuss things via PM i'm happy to do that.
I know that abortion isn't really murder. At least I don't feel like it would be when the baby is still an embryo. The reason why I don't believe in it is because you are taking away it's potential to have a life. That is why I would regret it if I went through with it. I have really considered it and am not trying to be mean but I don't want to hear any more about abortion. Trust me, I've heard it all from my boyfriend. It would make me depressed for the rest of my life and I would never forgive myself. I know that other people do it and feel relieved about it but all I would feel is guilt and selfish.
But thank you everyone else for all of your support. I have been feeling like my boyfriend is pressuring me into adoption, but I'm trying to just disregard his opinion because he's just being an asshole anyway and doesn't care about the baby at all right now. I'm still kinda hoping that he'll come around but right now it's not looking very likely.
I'm scared to raise it on my own, but with my mom's help I guess it wouldn't be so bad and I wouldn't really be on my own. Thank you all you have given me a lot to think about and I think I am leaning more towards keeping it, but I also have a family friend who is looking to adopt a child so that would also be an option that I would be comfortable with. I don't know yet what I'm going to do, but thank you all for your help and advice.
Whatever it is, you can get through it. I promise.
