Why is it so easy?

[pandachan]

Who would have thought that I could have come so far, and then slip up once, and tumble back down this dark and twisted rabbit hole like it's f*cking nothing.

It's like when I used to be a junkie, and I would get clean for a week or two, go through withdrawals and then finally start to feel some semblance of normal, and then I would rail just one bag of dope and BAM, fiending and withdrawing like I had been getting high for weeks on end.

It's really, really, really disappointing. This circle of guilt, and disappointment in myself, and self-harm, this f*cking merry-go round is too easy to get back on and seemingly impossible to get off. And now that I'm riding it again I'm starting to feel confused about whether or not I want to get off anymore ANYWAY.

********************.
I don't know what I'm looking for with this post.
I just don't know what I'm looking for at all.

My therapist says she's not going to try to 'take these behaviors away from me' until I'm ready, but now I'm suddenly confused about what 'being ready' means, and I feel like a small child hugging a teddy bear close to me that I'd thought I lost and now everyone wants to take that teddy away from me...
I'm going to lose friends, family, my job, my life.. This is going to end badly, I have the feeling deep down about this.. When am I going to bounce back, and do I want to? UGH.

I didn't even feel guilty this morning-- I spent the night at my partner's house and I was dressing and he saw my leg gouged up from yesterday afternoon. And I bought an exacto-knife today while buying painting supplies, almost in a stupor.. like.. I know what I'm going to do with that.. I don't have any constructive cutting to do with it.. But I did it anyway. What's wrong with me.. I thought I grew out of this...

pointless rant over. sorry.
:c

[lilmissjay]

I was the same way when I was trying to stop cutting a few years ago. I think it's normal to see self harm as a "security blanket" because it's something that helps you cope and it'll take awhile for you to be able to get to a point in your recovery where you are actually content with how things are going. With me, it helped to hide my tools in other parts of my house/room where it'll be difficult for me to get to and then slowly work towards throwing them away for good. Also, trying to stop buying things that I could hurt myself helped.

I know that all of the things that I said probably doesn't help much, but I really wanted to let you know that you aren't alone in this and that you CAN make it through even though it may take a long time and a lot of work. Take care and stay safe :)

[PassedExpectations]

i think that we fall back down so quickly because we have done it so many times that it still is what we want to do automatically if we let it. like we've worn down that path in our brain, and it is ready to take over if it gets the chance. like a habit that has almost died, but as soon as you do it a little bit, it easily becomes really strong again. and the more times we do something else, and build a new habit the stronger that new path will get. until the good one is the automatic one that we follow