From such great heights.

[-Shae-Lynn*]

There is this bridge near my house. I travel across this bridge every day, sometimes multiple times. If I want to go east then it's the fastest and most convenient way to get to the highway or the next town over. It is also where a young man died.

When I was probably 9 or 10 my brother and dad went for a bike ride. I didn't want to go. When they came home they told us there were a bunch of ambulances and police cars on the bridge. It turns out that a young man and his friends had been crossing the bridge when he decided to show off and climb up onto the handrail. He slipped and fell to his death.

I've crossed this bridge a million times and haven't thought of this man's death after the first week. They redid the bridge to make the handrail higher and that was the end of it.

It's no longer the end of it...

I've been fixating on the bridge. Making plans. Plans to mix a bunch of different ways you can kill yourself together and then taking the plunge off the bridge.

Part of my brain is screaming for me to do this. To do it now. There is this tiny little whisper in the back telling me to hold on. I'm trying desperately to hold onto this little whisper but it's so hard. I feel like I'm drowning. That the tiny little whisper is a too-small PFD/lifejacket trying to keep me up in the middle of a hurricane.

I don't know how to fight these thoughts on my own.

[shatteredbits]

First off, I am so sorry. No one should have to feel this way.
There is obviously something inside of you, telling you not to. Listen to what it has to say, it has valid points, reasons which express what your purpose is on earth.
Your life has value, it has value to the people around you, those who love you and it even has value to your own self.
Allow that part to be heard. Think of all the reasons why you don't want to die, all the good things in your life, all the good thing still to come like meeting new people and visiting new places and learning new skills.

If you ever need anyone to talk to, I'm here. :)

[lostdoll]

First off, big virtual *hugs* and support your way. At the minute you're fixated with these thoughts - maybe it would take the power out of them if you told someone in real life how you've been feeling? For now it's your little secret, so share it out, tell someone you trust or talk to a stranger on the phone like Samaritans. Part of you is fighting those suicidal thoughts, and it's clearly the stronger part of you. Trust it. Put the Samaritans number in your mobile so it's always accessable for you :)

I noticed in your sig it says "keep on moving". You cross this bridge every day - so I think you should go with those three little words and focus on getting to the end, and where you have to go, be it home or work or the next town.

I have faith in you, stay strong :) xo

[-Shae-Lynn*]

Thank you for your replies.

I feel so lost and confused. I'm supposed to be well. For all the programs I've done and time spent inpatient I shouldn't be thinking about this stuff anymore, at least not all the time. It shouldn't preoccupy my every waking thought!

There is this huge, ginormous part of me that wants to do it. I want to go to the bridge and jump where the ground isn't quite so far down. It's a valley so the middle of the bridge is where the greatest distance to the ground is. Maybe just ten or fifteen feet onto the bridge would be enough. If I do it then it'll be out of my head. I'll know what it feels like and in that moment in the air maybe I'll want to live. Maybe that is all I need!

This is not going to end well...

[PassedExpectations]

ok... try to think through the consequences of jumping the 10 or 15 feet... you'd be very likely to get injured and break bones. if you end up breaking your legs and have loss of mobility or ability to do things on your own, do you think that you'll be able to cope with that? what about if you end up back on inpatient? that is very likely too. i think if you really feel like jumping will help you work through this (and i would talk with a professional about it!) the only safe way to do it would probably be to find somewhere to go bungee jumping....

try not to say "shoulds" about this sort of thing. it places blame for feeling the negative emotions and thoughts, and blame doesn't help you at all.