Know logically if I was to speak to someone in my position I'd tell them it wasn't their fault...but let's just say I blame myself. Yes it's probably irrational but it works in my head.
Today? I'm pretty bad but we've got people over for Adam's birthday BBQ but I'm drinking which I guess is dangerous.
I've got to the point that I can't talk to Adam about it...I've withdrawn too much into myself.
No. The only people I have are the so-called professionals a.nd ryl. I am alone now I've got to this point. Ivwon't lie I'm fucked and the urges are strong but I've taken my meds and tranquilisers and am in bed so as long as they kick in I'm safe.
hi Katie,
just wanted to let you know im thinking of you always and that im here for you, can email me anytime will always reply hunni. im sorry im not much use just now but im here fo you
*leaves boxed hugs*
jo xx
I'm really bad and realy scared right now. I can't get myhead straight...not enough to speak or read advice or anything. Consufion. I can't stop shakin.g. I've tried all my dbt skilsl to stop this - distraction and self-soothe and improve and pros and cons and radical aceptance. None of it's worked. Tried mindfulness and all of it. Nthhing's helping. Want to OD and cut and burn and drink the chemicals and pour the fuel over me and set me alight. Want to stop things. Taken my anxiety medication. Tried taking tranquiliser. Nothing's helping. Trie d calling crisis but couldn't explain and they said I needed to get my head straight and call back because they didn't know what I was saying. I wqas speaking too fast and not making any sense. The offices of my social worker are closed now. I've cut a little but it's not got rid of the feelings and urgeds and voices. I want to throw up the small amount of food that I have eaten today. Want to take all my insulin. Want it all to stop. All of it. Tried watching DVDs. Listening to music. Tried writing. Tried calling Samaritans but couldn't talk. Just stuttered and hung up. Emailed them but it takes a while for a reply. Got no friends or family or anything I can call. Adam's at work and not back until late. I've bustedf my foot so I cna't walk to A&E and I'm not allowed to drive at the moment.
I just feel lost and alone and the voices are all consuming.
I want to scream.
I could just use some support/husg/something?
Last edited by Heaven Knows : 09-07-2012 at 07:30 PM.
im sorry you are struggling so much at the moment but i just wanted to leave you *huge massive hugs* and to let you know im here for you always and that your not alone
I called crisis last night and they agreed to speak to me until Adam got home from work. The agreement was that unless they believed I had done something or if I hung up on them they wouldn't call the police/ambulance. Once Adam had got home I took my tranquillisers and waited for them to kick in so I could sleep.
Crisis did say they would have to inform my social worker and my DBT therapist that I had to call them last night...so undoubtedly he'll be on the phone to me later. Though, I won't hold my breath.
Right now, I'm not sure why or what's caused this, but I feel like I'm waiting for the plunge...like I've already jumped off the edge and I'm in limbo...waiting to hit the water. It's like I'm holding my breath; but because I've not hit the water yet, I could breath again if I wanted to. You know? Maybe that doesn't even make sense...nothing seems real anymore. Words don't seem real anymore. Life doesn't seem real anymore. If I can see and feel something...does it make it there? What if no one else can see or feel it? If I'm reaching out and touching someone's face...or if I can feel each punch and kick...but no one else can see anything...is it real or am I crazy? If I mention it to my DBT therapist...if I tell her how much I've self-harmed because of what I'm seeing...can she help me? Will she listen to me? Will she think I'm making it up or attention seeking?
I probably am. I'm selfish so why wouldn't I talk myself into believing all these things? Manipulation. Maybe I just want people to believe that life is hard for me...maybe I've convinced myself that all this crap has happened. Maybe they were never here to begin with; all the people I've lost...maybe they were never here...maybe they're all in my head and losing them was all in my head too. Maybe it's all in my head. The loss. The blame. The arguments. The phone calls. The funerals. Maybe it's all just part of this fake world I've become a part of. Maybe he didn't really rape me. Maybe it was all some nightmare. What happens when the ground beneath your feet doesn't feel real anymore? When the world around you starts crumbling and what's left doesn't look like anything you've seen before? What then? Who helps? Who do I reach out to? What if they're not real either?
My social worker didn't bother calling. Crisis did and were surprised that he didn't. Maybe I wasn't really speaking to them. Maybe that was all in my head. Maybe I didn't talk to them and they didn't call him. Am I really fucking crazy? What the fuck do you do when you question everything you believed was real? Maybe this site isn't. Maybe this thread isn't. Maybe these cuts aren't. Maybe the blood on my carpet isn't. Maybe it's all in my fucking sick, twisted, morbid brain. Maybe if I listen to them this will all be over?
I'm sorry your struggling honey. The things your experiencing arn't in your head though lovely- the SH, the blood. Its all real. Your care team sound as rubbish as ever and I'm sorry to hear that. I think its worst of all when the people you are hoping will help you arn't but keep at it. Crisis sound like they are taking notice- which is good.
Keep talking sweetie- its good to talk.
Big Hugs, Rosie xx
p.s. I have just read your last two months of posts. I am in tears. I am so sorry things went so awfully wrong my lovely. I just cannot imagine what you are going though. Your incredible and I know you can get through this. I just know you can. Hugs so tightly. xxxxxxxx
Last edited by getting_by : 11-07-2012 at 11:36 AM.
Here's the day you hoped would never come,
Don't feed me violins, just run with me
through rows of speeding cars.
21 on the run, on the run, on the run
From myself, from myself and everyone
I better leave the light on
The darkness, The sweetness, The sadness, The weakness,
O, I need this
Hi, I'm Roli Take Care, Stay Safe, Shout if you need anything
I'm still really struggling today. I've not heard from anyone but I am pretty close to calling them because I can't work out what's real or what's not. I had to go shopping earlier and I spent the whole walk there talking to Tom. I only realised when I shouted and people looked at me. He wasn't there. Of course he wasn't. He's dead. He's never going to be here again. Not for me to talk to. I am losing it and I'm not sure how to keep a grasp on life.
Everything is just...shit, ya know? Just falling to pieces and there's nothing I can do about any of it. I should be able to fix things so people don't have to suffer...but I can't. I can't fix Lucy so she's able to come out of the psych ward. I can't fix Mark so he stops having these heart attacks from stress. I can't fix Sue so she doesn't need Chemo anymore. I can't fix things for Lee to make it easier on him to look after them all. I can't fix myself so I can go back to work and stop wanting to top myself. I'm fading further from reality in my own head but I can't tell anyone. Why? Who the fuck is real? What's real? I don't get it. I should be able to fix things. I always fix things for people. I can't even fix myself. I can't face signing on but I'm in no state to get a job. We're low on money...I can't ask my parents for any more...we can't ask Adam's parents for any more...we can't even fucking afford a headstone for James. How fucking pathetic is that? He's not got anything on his grave because we can't fucking afford it. I just want to fucking top myself tonight...except I can't because I have DBT tomorrow and people are going to be so 'disappointed' if I miss it. My life and everyone in it is falling apart. How do I fix them? How do I make things better for them? I can't get my brother a job so he doesn't have to sponge money off my mum and dad all the time. I can't give my mum and dad the money they've lent us back because I have none. I can't get my other brother out of debt so he can stop sponging off my parents too. I can't help Clare and Rabbit who're about to be evicted. I can't help anyone. I'm useless. I can't tell what the fuck is going on right now. I shouldn't be here. I am a poison in everyone's life. I'm the reason things go wrong for them. I'm the cause of it all. If I'd have just kept my mouth shut in December I'd be dead by now. I so badly wish I was. I ache to feel nothing except death. To just be gone. I am self-harming more than once a day AGAIN. I am binging/purging every chance I get. I am burning myself again. I am still drinking chemicals even though I know how stupid and dangerous it is. I don't even know what is holding me on the earth right now...possibly the chance of failure. I have to make sure there's no chance I'm going to end up in hospital talking to that fucking liaison team again. I don't care if it hurts people in the short term...LIVING FUCKING HURTS ME. In the long term they'll understand. They'll know why I did it and they'll see that their lives are so much better without me. I might give them over the weekend. See how DBT goes tomorrow and my individual DBT session goes on Friday and then fuck myself up good and proper when Adam's back at work. I don't know what's happening. I feel like I'm burning. My skin is burning. Like it's on fire with little pins of heat. It's like it's yearning to get off me. All things are real. All things are real. All things are real. All things are real. All things are real. All things are real. All things are real. All things are real. All things are real. All things are real. All things are real. All things are real. All things are real. All things are real. If I'm not real...none of this is. Maybe I'm not really here. Maybe I've convinced myself that me dying would affect people; but maybe I'm not here...so they won't notice I'm gone? Maybe I'm worrying for nothing. Maybe it'll just be like deleting a channel off the TV...all the other channels will carry on and no one will notice. I've created this phantom world in my head...this house and Adam and this site and my parents and my brothers and my 'friends' and everything...it's all just in my head. In actual fact there is no Katie in this world...no one knows me. It's like there being a parallel universe but I'm the only one who can see it? If I die it just destroys that universe. Not this one. Maybe it's all just in my head. The bullying. The abuse. The rape. The deaths. The suicide attempts. The cutting. The burning. The chemicals. James. EVERYTHING. None of it happened so maybe I don't need to be fixed...maybe I just need to be deleted? As I write this I'm not even sure I am. Maybe I'm just sat on my couch listening to music doing fuck all. I'll press post and it'll show me it's posted but it won't be. There's nowhere to post it. There's no one to read it. There's nothing. No help. No guidance. No crisis team. No social worker. No DBT group. No DBT therapist. No care co-ordinator. Nothing. No one. Darkness. We don't need money for James' headstone because it's all just in my head. All the doctors and nurses and midwives were not really there. The ultrasounds were all in my head...they're just blank pieces of paper that I'm convinced myself show my baby. The kicks I felt weren't real. The funeral was all in my head. There's no flowers on his grave because there's no one to buy them...there's no one to buy them for. Touching things doesn't mean they're real. Just because I can feel the floor beneath my feet doesn't mean I'm standing on it. Feeling the bricks of the wall hitting my head with each bang doesn't mean it's really there. Doesn't mean the injuries are real. None of it is. It all makes so much more sense than everything 'I have been through'...people keep telling me they can't give me a reason for everything that's 'happened'...maybe that's why. There's no reason because it didn't happen. Nothing happened. I am not here. My memories aren't real. My thoughts and feelings aren't real. Nothing is.
Hi honey.
Is there any way you can call crisis tonight?
I am so sorry about everything that is going on right now; it sounds like a lot of things have happened recently and there are a lot of people around you hurting which you are finding very draining. But you are NOT the reason that people around you are suffering/struggling.
It doesn't matter where you come from; it matters where you go.
No-one gets remembered for the things they didn't do.
We won't all be here this time next year,
so while you can take a picture of us.
We're definitely going to hell,
but we'll have all the best stories to tell.
hey katie, sorry i've been off ryl awhile. caught up.
i've struggled before thinkin things aren't real too. if you try and look at it in terms of likelihood, its much more likely that everything is real, opposed to you not existing- if you don't exist, how are you typing? how are able to feel anything, physically or emotionally? something that does not exist simply doesn't exist; theres no thoughts, emotions, no body, no anything. hope i'm making some sense, my heads off right now.
it's not your fault people suffer; you can't fix things that aren't up to you to fix. all those situations you listed, some of them, there may be things you can do to help, but you can't fix any of it; its not your responsibility to fix anything. you do the best you can and thats all anyone can ask of you. you're struggling a ton yourself, makes it difficult to help as much, and thats ok. you need time for you to start to heal; need to take care of yourself best can and the rest will follow.
echo talaiporia, can you call crisis, or samaritans, jus do something to help self be safe?
*leaves hugs* youre not an f-up. youre a human, whos been hurt, been through hard situations, and is struggling. <3
Every day the world is made a chance to change but i feel the same.
And I wonder why would i wait till i die to come alive?"
All alone the way she feels
Left alone to deal with all the pain-drenched sorrow relief
Paranoia has got the best of me right now. I think Adam's working late but I've managed to convince myself he's cheating on my or sonething. Not sure if the conversation we had this morning ahen he said he was working early really happened or if it was in my head.
No. I can't. I don't know how to. The only reason I forgave him about the whole cheating thing was James...now he's gone, what am I meant to do? I'm trapped in a life I hate and all I keep doing is fucking things up even more. More and more each day.
Had to drive to Manchester today for Lucy's Inpatient Care Review...as Mark and Sue are in hospital still I am the sole person in charge. Went to see Mark and Sue too. I fe so bad for not helping them more.
Appointment with social worker tomorrow and individual DBT on tuesday...written on the DBT diary sheets about the chemicals and the burning...if'll be the first time I've admitted to them.
Lost.
Last edited by squirrelspit : 16-07-2012 at 01:21 AM.
Reason: removing tip sharing information. Please remember the rules. x
Take Care, Stay Safe, Shout if you need anything
