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My intro
I'm a 33 year old woman married to the only man I've ever been with. We have been together 12 years. I have raised our 4 kids with him (3 from his previous marriage). A year and a half ago I discovered he had been cheating on me. If that wasn't bad enough, I discovered it within a few weeks of being diagnosed with cancer. After deciding the only way to handle this was divorce, he decided he wanted me and worked very hard to make me believe it. After many times of trying and leaving again due to finding out he was still lying here and there, I moved out and got an apartment. He seemed devastated. After 3 months of arguing and discussing we made a final decision to try one last time. And of coarse I found out again he was still talking to her. Since then I have had to make him change his phone number and keep tabs of everything he does. It has taken me this long to discover just how miserable this makes me. I hate wondering just about everyday if he has out smarted me again and is talking to her or someone new.
Now because of his bad choices, I wonder what it would be like to be with someone new. I don't like feeling this way and dont know what to do. He actually tries now but I don't feel the same. Before, I never even so much as looked at another man. I will never cheat because I simply don't have it in me to be deceitful. And as long as I'm being told by him that he wants his family, I feel like I have to try for our son.
I no longer have a thirst for life. I used to work very hard to learn everything I could. Now I can barely remember my day to day responsibilities because my head is so consumed by every bad thought that has taken over. I feel like everything I was ever taught about love was fake, like it doesn't matter if I was a good wife, mom, worker whatever...I was still cheated.
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