In more serious news, I think other people have made some very good suggestions, and I hope you consider them and try them.
It can be difficult living with someone who is mentally ill, but it's pretty hard being mentally ill, and if you want to help her, you need to take a step back until you're able to be more understading. Whether or not you actually say these things to your mum, the fact that you think she is a fatass and disgusting is very likely to resonate in the way you are around her which won't help the situation one bit.
*offers hug if ok*
Maybe she 'has' to pretend to herself that she is doing ok, because the reality is also terrifying for her to contemplate? People often block stuff off when it becomes too overwhelming.
Re the fear of turning out like a parent - It was kind of similar with my Dad and I, though different symptoms [deep insecurity and frantic paranoid rages] so I really can understand. My Mum used to say "You're just like your Father!" in that [dismissive and scornful] tone of voice. A lot of therapy brings me compassion for myself and my Dad, and really has changed the relationships in my family for the better. Healing like that takes time.
It's on your family's side that you are all seeking help. That counts for a lot.
How would you feel about telling your therapist how frightened you are?
Thanks for the hug <3
She probably does like the pretend she's ok because if she wasn't okay she would have to change herself which she is not willing to do. Plus since she always rags on me for having issues - if she admitted she had issues too it would make her a hypocrite.
I'm glad things got better regarding your dad <3 I think things will get better after this year when I'm away from my mom and don't have her around all the time.
I have kind of hinted to my therapist that I'm scared I'll turn out like my mom - and she assures me I won't. And I kind of believe her but it's still hard to shake the fear I guess.
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I'm sorry you're struggling with your mum, and I see that your initial post was probably written out of fear, hurt and frustration. It's hard when we see someone close to us not coping and seemingly not wanting to do anything about it.
I guess all you can do is offer support, and try to see things from her point of view. I have a very stressful relationship with my parents, and sometimes I get angry and call them harsh names but deep down I know I'm just worried about them as I'm sure you are with your mum.
You aren't responsible for your mother and maybe, right now, she doesn't want to accept help and change. Perhaps, calling her names aren't the most helpful of things to do but working hard to get yourself good support and making sure you have a better life than her is all you can focus on right now.
I'm sorry if I'm not making much sense, I just wanted to say that I've been where you are and things can get easier.
x
Thanks
I'm sorry you have a stressful relationship with your parents - I know deep down I am worried about my mom but in all honesty the majority of what I'm feeling right now is really just annoyance about her not being a good parent, you know?
I know calling her names isn't helpful - which is why I don't ever do it except in my own head and just now on this thread.
It's ok, you did make sense - and thank you <3 :)
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I haven't managed to read all the posts, sorry. Just wanted to say I can really relate to your feelings about your mom. I struggle a lot with my dad in similar ways to your struggles with your mom, and I know its ****ing difficult to cope with (which is why I'm so glad I don't live with them anymore!), especially when you're their child, not their friend, partner or therapist! Literally those words could have been mine.
I think the suggestions that have been made here could be really helpful, maybe you and your dad could try to cook some homemade versions of the food your mom and brother like lot... like homemade burgers, pizza, chicken nuggets etc... they're really easy to make and healthier than take-aways and ready meals. Maybe you could say you'd like to cook a meal once or twice a week (really simple things!) and you'd like it if your family cook make an effort to get washed and put on some nice clothes and eat together at a table (if you have one?)? I think it would show that you really love them and value them and are offering to support them in an age-appropriate way (i.e. not trying to be the parent!) I could also be good for your brother to have some homemade food occasionally
But really, I don't think this is your job. That's not to say that doing a little to support her is not a lovely and good thing to do (which I'm sure you do already anyway), just that its not your responsibility. So make sure you aim to keep a healthy balance, and dont burn yourself out trying to support her x
Thanks - sorry you go through the same thing with your dad though :/ it really sucks haha!
It's really good to hear I'm not the only one who feels like this. Luckily this year I'm a senior in high school so now it's my last year living with her and things will be better when I'm in college :)
My dad wouldn't be willing to help me make the stuff - but I'll look into making that stuff myself :)
We've had conversations about how I think we should all be clean and presentable but it's never been actually done.
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It seems like communication in the whole family is quite strained. Maybe you could ask your therapist about having a session with all of the family. Or maybe you could ask for a referral to family therapy. It sounds like neither of you will improve individually unless you can start to work together and communicate better. I'm not sure what services are offered where you live but in the UK, you can be referred for family therapy when one or more members of the family has a psychiatric diagnosis. If something similar is available to you, I think that could be worth a try.
Yeah - communication is rather strained with us..
I don't think a whole therapy thing would be a good idea.. But maybe me and my mom could sit down with my therapist and maybe that could be helpful. Although its been mentioned to her multiple times by my therapist that she needs to get her act together and she's never done it. So, I dunno.
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In so many ways I can understand how you feel. My mum has suffered from a variety of MH conditions my whole life. From when I was a small child, perhaps aged 7ish, I remember that my mother never bathed or showered or washed really and so I used to run her a bath and sit with her and talk to her whilst she had a bath, I would get her a drink, magazine, towel, anything that would help her with this. Over the years this was not a regular thing as my mum didn't really enjoy it but I helped her and in that small way showed I cared. Perhaps you could try buying her some really nice bubble bath or shower stuff? My mum still doesn't bath or shower as much as the average person but this does not make her disgusting- she never smells, she changes her clothes regularly.
With regards to the food thing, I just eat easy food when feeling crap (she says having just eaten waffles and ice cream :p) and I will just eat to try and make myself feel better, perhaps that is what your mum is doing?
With regards to the food thing, could you perhaps get salad stuff in as this doesn't require cooking- just preparation and you could make up a big tub and the family could have it with the unhealthy things such as burgers and pizza and perhaps if you want to eat more healthily have more of the salad and less of the pizza? The idea of making things in bulk is also a good idea cos then you only really have to cook once and you end up with lots of meals? Start simple though- some things are so easy to cook- stuff like bolognase, chilli, pasta bake.
I cannot work out how old you are so sorry if its in one of the posts but these are really simple meals that can be cooked in about half an hour from scratch!
I must say I avoided reading this thread for a day or so as the title annoyed me so much. I think perhaps it might be good to look at the way you word something- perhaps if feeling ranty post it in the R/V forum and then when feeling calmer translate it into something that people will understand and empathise with and feel more able to offer support with?
Take care and I hope things improve soon.
Wow - that was really sweet of you to do all that for your mom... I ran out of that kind of patience long ago if we're being honest..
Another problem is that she refuses to clean her bathroom so the shower is disgusting too. I clean my bathroom but that's basically the only perfectly clean room in the house. I don't have time to clean everything for her..
I'm sure that is what my mom is doing - I mean, I do that sometimes too. It just upsets me because she has gained so much weight the past few years and she keeps saying she wants to lose weight and then she does that and I just know it making her feel even worse. And she won't even try to help herself...
Salad is a good idea - thanks for that!
I'm 16 (almost 17) - so I really should be a better cook by now but no one ever taught me haha :P but I'm sure I can figure out how to make stuff ;)
Sorry the title annoyed you - it is pretty harsh. It's just how I feel and I mean people didn't have to read it so I really didn't like it when people were being rude about it.
Thanks I hope things improve soon too :P
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Okay, everyone has made reasonable suggestions and comments but something about this hit me. You say your mum wouldn't be up for a visit or happy with you? Well, sometimes it shouldn't be up to people to have that say if their health is affecting themselves and others so dramatically. If this is all stressing you so much and your mother is facing such incapacitating depression, your father is ignoring it and there is yourself and another minor, then Yes, regardless of personal feelings, embarrassment or other someone professional needs to be involved.
I'm not having a go fyi, just objectively throwing out a bit of logic.
The thing is there already is a professional involved - she has a therapist... And the problem is she thinks she's okay and my dad and my brother make excuses for her and they're fine with it but for some reason it really negatively affects me and no one gets that.. I don't feel like anything anyone else could do will make her change..
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I feel kind of terrible to say it but I can understand what you are feeling in a way. I hate my mother's behaviors though, not my actual mother. She used to be a great role model to me but it seems like she started to change after she got into this one relationship with an abusive guy.
Now, she's with a new guy who's an unpredictable alcoholic, he always puts her down until she's in tears. She smokes pot all the time, I know she's dabbled in other drugs, she sleeps around, she drinks more now that she's with this guy...There have been times when I can't even bare to look her in the eye because I fell like I'll just start screaming at her. It kills me because I have tried so so hard to help her but she doesn't listen to anything I say.
Really, I don't hate my mom. I'm just angry that she was never there for me and now isn't there for my brothers. I'm angry that she let herself become like this and angry that she wouldn't accept my help. I'm angry that I had to be the responsible one.
The reason I'm so angry is because I love her so much. I know my mom is depressed, I know she has terrible self esteem to let guys treat her this way, I know that she's terrified of ending up alone. I'm still so angry at her for just staying this way and letting me deal with the consequences.
Although it is harsh to say your mother is disgusting, I understand how you can feel that way. At some point you just get fed up with it all, you've tried and tried to help but you are either refused or ignored. They've broken promises and haven't even tried to change things...
The thing is, you can't change her if she doesn't want to change. The only thing you can do is change how you deal with it. I'm not exactly sure on how to do that part yet, I'm still in therapy myself trying to work it out....
Sorry this post feels too long and I probably ranted a bit...
Yeah I obviously don't hate my mother either - I mean she loves me and I love her, I just don't always like her, you know?
Sorry your mom's going through all that right now. It seems like that would be really really hard for you :/ *hug* <3
I know what you mean! I keep suggesting ways for my mom to feel better and she doesn't do anything about any of my suggestions! So I'm just kind of like ok...
The paragraph about you being angry at your mom - that's exactly how I feel. It's like you took the words right out of my mouth..
It's ok, it's not too long I appreciated it :)
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Originally Posted by Danceintherain804
stuffing her fatass face with handfuls and bowlfulls of junk food.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you not once upon a time make a thread about how you had nine mental disorders, one of which was bulimia? One would think that you'd have a little more sympathy for binge-eating...
Thank you so much for that...
It's not that I don't have sympathy for binge eating. I'm not some kind of selfish birch. I just admitted I had eating problems and I've actually tried to do something about them.
My mom just sits there and won't listen when I try to tell her nicely how she could get better and she just keeps getting worse.
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In more serious news, I think other people have made some very good suggestions, and I hope you consider them and try them.
It can be difficult living with someone who is mentally ill, but it's pretty hard being mentally ill, and if you want to help her, you need to take a step back until you're able to be more understading. Whether or not you actually say these things to your mum, the fact that you think she is a fatass and disgusting is very likely to resonate in the way you are around her which won't help the situation one bit.
I understand that it's hard to be mentally ill - I mean, hi, I am too. And so is my dad. But we both deal with it and function whereas my mom refuses to. And it just gets old.
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Be grateful you have parents. Some of us aren't so lucky.
I'm really sorry you don't have parents..
Although that was rather irrelevant.
"I believe in running through the rain and crashing into the person you love and having your lips bleed on each other"
You are luck that you can function with yr mental health problems. SOme cannot and I think you're being very rude to assume thatbeingunable to function equates to laziness.
My mom just sits there and won't listen when I try to tell her nicely how she could get better and she just keeps getting worse.
I know that you mean well when you're giving her advice, but it's really just not that simple for somebody to take advice and get better when they're ill- I would assume that you know that since you've also struggled. Just because you're at a point where you feel able to work on recovery with your therapist and all that, doesn't mean your mom is. I'm sure at one point you weren't exactly helping yourself or taking the advice that other people gave you. You need to accept that it's not that easy. Just because you're in a place where you're ready for recovery, doesn't mean she is. I understand it must be frustrating, but there's nothing you can do except keep offering your support.
I find it extremely rude that you've said these things about your mother, especially calling her a "fatass" when you've said you also struggle with binge eating. It's not an easy thing to overcome; no eating disorder is. I think it would be a good idea for you to figure out how to deal with the emotions you're having about your mother in a more constructive way instead of just being insulting and belittling.
There's been many good suggestions here, and I hope you take some of them.
relating to what Bellatrix and Narcissa have both said... people react to mental health issues in different ways. My mother and myself are prime examples of this
My Mum hasn't been to work since the end of Jan since she had a relapse in her depression. When it was really bad, she didn't leave the house unaccompanied, wouldn't get out of bed, wouldn't eat and basically just had her life on hold. In the past few weeks however, she is starting to want to do things lilke go out by herself for half an hour, or even walking to meet me from work.
I have had several relapses in my depression/other mental health issues and have found that trying to carry on with my life as much as possible helps me more than wallowing in a ball of woe.
Basically, like others have said, just because you feel you can function whilst struggling, you can't expect/presume everyone else can and should function. Mental health issues are very personal and affect everyone in different ways.
Yes, it may be frustraiting to you for her to be sat there struggling like she is, but to expect her to just be able to get up and act like you do when you struggle isn't fair on her at all.
I'm sorry things are so difficult for you at home.
I think that some good points have been made above. I also think that on a site like this where many people are struggling with mental health issues, the way you phrased things was bound to get people's backs up. It *is* important to realise that mental illness affects people in different ways and just because you are able to function does not mean everyone will be.
But your feelings are valid and important and I'm sorry that that hasn't always necessarily been recognised. I have also grown up with parents who have mental health problems and it is difficult. It is more than difficult, it's incredibly HARD and at times it seems completely unbearable. I think that how you're feeling is very understandable and natural. Of course your feelings towards your mother are going to be mixed up and of course there is going to be a lot of anger in there.
I wonder whether sitting down with your dad and telling him clearly how much this is affecting you would be any help. It isn't right that he's turning a blind eye to what's going on, and perhaps if you keep letting him know how much it's hurting you he will start to listen. Are there any other relatives you could turn to for support or perhaps have a word with your dad?
Getting your therapist to speak with you and your mum together sounds like a good thing to try, and I do think that a lot of the practical ideas that have been suggested are definitely worth trying.
I think, though, that it may also help to put a little emotional distance between you and your mum. I don't mean that you stop caring about her or trying to help, but you need to put yourself first. I still struggle with being at home and how things are with my parents, but I am realising that their happiness and wellbeing is not my responsibility. I love them and would do anything to help them but I will not feel guilty about how they are and I will put my own health first. At the same time, trying to let go of blame is helpful. I know that they're doing their best, even when it doesn't seem that way, and that the way they are sometimes is no reflection on me. They are just people and they struggle in the same way as anyone else.
Recognising that my feelings are important, that no it absolutely isn't fair that some of the things I've had to grow up with have happened, but at the same time recognising that that doesn't necessarily mean attaching blame to anyone, can be quite freeing.
I hope some of that made sense; it's late! I am around if you'd like to talk, as I can relate to what you're going through.
"I know you're sad, so I won't tell you to have a good day. Instead, I advise you to simply have a day.
Stay alive, feed yourself well, wear comfortable clothes, and don't give up on yourself just yet.
It'll get better. Until then, have a day."
You are luck that you can function with yr mental health problems. SOme cannot and I think you're being very rude to assume thatbeingunable to function equates to laziness.
This. Have you asked your mom if she even wants help to recover? Maybe she's not ready to and I think you have to respect her wishes. Berating her isn't going to help the situation. Have you thought about how she would feel if she read this thread?
You are luck that you can function with yr mental health problems. SOme cannot and I think you're being very rude to assume thatbeingunable to function equates to laziness.
I function because I'm forced to. But honestly I don't even function that well. I ended up in the hospital a bit ago because I couldn't function. But I wasn't hurting people I'm supposed to be taking care of. Which is what she's doing. And she refuses to accept the fact that she's not functioning. And she's a mom - she's not allowed to just give up and get mad at her kid when I'm struggling too.
I know not being able to function doesn't always mean laziness. But in the case of my mom - it does. Believe me. You don't know my mother. I do.
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I know that you mean well when you're giving her advice, but it's really just not that simple for somebody to take advice and get better when they're ill- I would assume that you know that since you've also struggled. Just because you're at a point where you feel able to work on recovery with your therapist and all that, doesn't mean your mom is. I'm sure at one point you weren't exactly helping yourself or taking the advice that other people gave you. You need to accept that it's not that easy. Just because you're in a place where you're ready for recovery, doesn't mean she is. I understand it must be frustrating, but there's nothing you can do except keep offering your support.
I find it extremely rude that you've said these things about your mother, especially calling her a "fatass" when you've said you also struggle with binge eating. It's not an easy thing to overcome; no eating disorder is. I think it would be a good idea for you to figure out how to deal with the emotions you're having about your mother in a more constructive way instead of just being insulting and belittling.
There's been many good suggestions here, and I hope you take some of them.
I understand that it's difficult for people to take advice and get better - obviously, since my mom isn't. I was just assuring other people that I am TRYING to be productive and a good daughter despite what other seem to think.
And don't assume I'm ready to work with my therapist and recover. Honestly, I'm not recovering at all. I'm so unhealthy right now. But I'm not burdening other people and making things harder for people I'm supposed to be taking care of. No one even knows I'm so unhealthy because I'm aware of how it affects other people and I hide it. My mom evidently doesn't care about that.
Yes it's rude - I know that - believe me, I don't need to hear that again. Frankly, you guys are all making me feel like a horrible person for thinking like this. But god, you cannot tell me that every single person who has said that I'm rude has not thought things like this about other people multiple times in their lives. Is it a crime to say these things about my mom in a safe place? Especially when they're true? Yeah it's harsh. But it's ****ing true so I really am sick of getting grief about this. It's not like I say things like this often.
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relating to what Bellatrix and Narcissa have both said... people react to mental health issues in different ways. My mother and myself are prime examples of this
My Mum hasn't been to work since the end of Jan since she had a relapse in her depression. When it was really bad, she didn't leave the house unaccompanied, wouldn't get out of bed, wouldn't eat and basically just had her life on hold. In the past few weeks however, she is starting to want to do things lilke go out by herself for half an hour, or even walking to meet me from work.
I have had several relapses in my depression/other mental health issues and have found that trying to carry on with my life as much as possible helps me more than wallowing in a ball of woe.
Basically, like others have said, just because you feel you can function whilst struggling, you can't expect/presume everyone else can and should function. Mental health issues are very personal and affect everyone in different ways.
Yes, it may be frustraiting to you for her to be sat there struggling like she is, but to expect her to just be able to get up and act like you do when you struggle isn't fair on her at all.
I know that some people can't function but that's not an excuse for my mom. With all due respect - you guys don't know her. I do. I can see that she's being lazy and not taking responsibility for anything. I know she can do it, she just ****ing won't. And I'm not being unfair in saying this because I know her and you don't - but she's being pathetic. She completely has the ability to function like a normal human being but she refuses to.
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I'm sorry things are so difficult for you at home.
I think that some good points have been made above. I also think that on a site like this where many people are struggling with mental health issues, the way you phrased things was bound to get people's backs up. It *is* important to realise that mental illness affects people in different ways and just because you are able to function does not mean everyone will be.
But your feelings are valid and important and I'm sorry that that hasn't always necessarily been recognised. I have also grown up with parents who have mental health problems and it is difficult. It is more than difficult, it's incredibly HARD and at times it seems completely unbearable. I think that how you're feeling is very understandable and natural. Of course your feelings towards your mother are going to be mixed up and of course there is going to be a lot of anger in there.
I wonder whether sitting down with your dad and telling him clearly how much this is affecting you would be any help. It isn't right that he's turning a blind eye to what's going on, and perhaps if you keep letting him know how much it's hurting you he will start to listen. Are there any other relatives you could turn to for support or perhaps have a word with your dad?
Getting your therapist to speak with you and your mum together sounds like a good thing to try, and I do think that a lot of the practical ideas that have been suggested are definitely worth trying.
I think, though, that it may also help to put a little emotional distance between you and your mum. I don't mean that you stop caring about her or trying to help, but you need to put yourself first. I still struggle with being at home and how things are with my parents, but I am realising that their happiness and wellbeing is not my responsibility. I love them and would do anything to help them but I will not feel guilty about how they are and I will put my own health first. At the same time, trying to let go of blame is helpful. I know that they're doing their best, even when it doesn't seem that way, and that the way they are sometimes is no reflection on me. They are just people and they struggle in the same way as anyone else.
Recognising that my feelings are important, that no it absolutely isn't fair that some of the things I've had to grow up with have happened, but at the same time recognising that that doesn't necessarily mean attaching blame to anyone, can be quite freeing.
I hope some of that made sense; it's late! I am around if you'd like to talk, as I can relate to what you're going through.
Well I guess I'm sorry if the way I phrased things rubbed people the wrong way, but they do need to realize that I'm not disrespecting or having a go at all people with depression or eating disorders with this thread. This is just about my mom.
I'm sorry you've grown up in that situation too - but I'm glad you understand. :) it really is impossible to deal with sometimes. Some people don't understand that.
I've tried to sit down with my dad and tell him that before. But he just blew up at me and told me I needed to respect my mother. And I didn't say anything mean about her, I just stated the facts. So yeah, that won't work. As far as other relatives go, we don't have any near us - it's just our family in the area - I don't know any other relatives well at all. Then there's my older brother but he's so completely non confrontational that he's useless here.
The emotional distance thing makes sense - but even if I take out being worried about her, there's still the fact that everything she does is making me go crazy. The way she treats the house and herself is disgusting and I have to live with it and it's a tiny space and I can't get away from it. It's hard to stress how hard it is - I know it doesn't sound bad and it just sounds dramatic, but you don't know.
Thanks so much for that reply though and for relating and helping <3
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Originally Posted by Bellatrix
You are luck that you can function with yr mental health problems. SOme cannot and I think you're being very rude to assume thatbeingunable to function equates to laziness.
This. Have you asked your mom if she even wants help to recover? Maybe she's not ready to and I think you have to respect her wishes. Berating her isn't going to help the situation. Have you thought about how she would feel if she read this thread?
Honestly - in my opinion, it's not her call if she wants to or not. She's being completely hypocritical in refusing to get better, when she's shoving me off to therapy twice a week and shoving a bunch of different pills down my throat. If she's making me get better when I have no idea how and it's driving me crazy - she can't just sit there and wallow in her depression refusing to do anything about it. I know that sounds harsh - but it's not fair. You have to put yourself in my shoes and realize how hard this is for me and how unfair this is to me.
Yeah - she'd be insulted if she read this thread. But honestly it'd probably do her some good. She's always saying she wants me to be honest with her and tell her how I'm feeling. Well here. And she needs to know how much she's hurting everyone. But honestly - she wouldn't listen, she's never listened before. It'd just go in one ear, out the other. But why is this even relevant? She's never going to see this thread anyway.
"I believe in running through the rain and crashing into the person you love and having your lips bleed on each other"
" She completely has the ability to function like a normal human being but she refuses to."
When people are mentally ill, they don't actually have that ability. That's the whole point of mental illnesses, they wreck your life, they take away the ability to function, they take away your freedom, they take away everything from you so, no, she doesn't have the ability to function like a "normal" human being, from what you're saying, it's not a matter of her refusing to, it's a matter of her not being capable of functioning, and she is suffering, and you sitting here saying such disrespectful, ignorant things about her is quite disgusting to be honest.
Yes, I'm sure you're struggling too, but I'd of thought anyone with mental health problems would be able to be compassionate to those who also are suffering tremedously, some people with mental health problems can function better than others, some cannot at all, some are very, very unwell and need intensive help to get them to a place where they are able to function as best as they can considering how ill they are.
If you're struggling to deal with your mother being unwell, then why not talk to your professionals about it, and ask them what can be done to help her? It sounds like she isn't being lazy, she's simply being taken over with her mental health, and when you're very ill, whether mentally or physically, they can take a toll on you, they can make it near impossible to do anything.
Try to have a little more empathy and compassion and understanding rather than pointing your fingers at her and being to be frank quite nasty and ignorant and horrible about your mother, she's suffering, and she's struggling and I'd have thought if she's got similar problems to you, you'd be more understanding towards how much she's having a hard time, rather than judging her and saying hurtful things about her.
" She completely has the ability to function like a normal human being but she refuses to."
When people are mentally ill, they don't actually have that ability. That's the whole point of mental illnesses, they wreck your life, they take away the ability to function, they take away your freedom, they take away everything from you so, no, she doesn't have the ability to function like a "normal" human being, from what you're saying, it's not a matter of her refusing to, it's a matter of her not being capable of functioning, and she is suffering, and you sitting here saying such disrespectful, ignorant things about her is quite disgusting to be honest.
Yes, I'm sure you're struggling too, but I'd of thought anyone with mental health problems would be able to be compassionate to those who also are suffering tremedously, some people with mental health problems can function better than others, some cannot at all, some are very, very unwell and need intensive help to get them to a place where they are able to function as best as they can considering how ill they are.
If you're struggling to deal with your mother being unwell, then why not talk to your professionals about it, and ask them what can be done to help her? It sounds like she isn't being lazy, she's simply being taken over with her mental health, and when you're very ill, whether mentally or physically, they can take a toll on you, they can make it near impossible to do anything.
Try to have a little more empathy and compassion and understanding rather than pointing your fingers at her and being to be frank quite nasty and ignorant and horrible about your mother, she's suffering, and she's struggling and I'd have thought if she's got similar problems to you, you'd be more understanding towards how much she's having a hard time, rather than judging her and saying hurtful things about her.
Well some people with mental illnesses can function in society. I can - many other people can. We don't have the ability to function completely normally, but we can use personal hygiene and not ruin our families.
And you know what - you don't KNOW my mother - you have no ****ing right to say that I'm wrong and she's not capable of functioning, because I'M the one that ****ing knows her, NOT you. I know that she IS, in fact, capable of functioning, because I've ****ing SEEN her do it before.
So you have absolutely NO right to tell me the things I'm saying are ignorant and disgusting. If there's one thing I'm NOT, it's ****ing ignorant. I know way more about my situation than you do. So just stop.
And you don't know me so please don't tell me I don't have any compassion. Because I do.
And I'm not dumb, I HAVE talked to my therapist about the situation with my mom. And she actually happens to agree with me that my mom has the ability to function and she's just being lazy.
And I HAVE empathy, compassion, AND understanding. Do you know that I've had people tell me that I'm the most empathetic and compassionate person they know? And that isn't meant to be me bragging about myself - I'm just saying, don't go on assuming I'm just a horrible bitchy child who is ignorant and a terrible person because I am far from that.
So that's it - don't assume you know me or my mother better than I do.
"I believe in running through the rain and crashing into the person you love and having your lips bleed on each other"
It may be that she is indeed capable of functioning. It may be that she's exhausted and low and struggling to keep up with everything. Absolutely no disrespect to you, but parenting and looking after a house can be really tough. And parenting a teenager has it's own challenges. Maybe her own teenage years were crappy and you don't know - this may also be effecting her, seeing you at the same age. And add to this a tendency for feeling low, it would be understandable she'd 'put on the brakes'.
Just as a bit of back story. I have lived with depression most of my life. I'm in my 40s, perhaps similar in age to your mum, though I've never married or had children. I function - I have a nearly full time job, I cook, I eat, I shower every day. There's things I'm not so great at, and often I struggle out in public. Before my breakdowns, being out in public wasn't so consciously hard. When I'm very well, I have no problems hoovering, running around at work, etc. When I'm feeling low these things are a struggle. I carry on going to work and pushing through, because that's the way I am. Just, what I'm trying to say is, ability to function fluctuates. Some may see me as lazy, but sometimes I just really have to sit down at work, and really can't summon up the energy to run up the stairs.
I've never not taken care of my personal hygiene, but that doesn't mean there are not some areas I struggle with functioning in. Maybe just like your mum. But, of course, I don't know your mum. I'm just putting a few ideas out there from my own experience for you to ponder.
It may be that she is indeed capable of functioning. It may be that she's exhausted and low and struggling to keep up with everything. Absolutely no disrespect to you, but parenting and looking after a house can be really tough. And parenting a teenager has it's own challenges. Maybe her own teenage years were crappy and you don't know - this may also be effecting her, seeing you at the same age. And add to this a tendency for feeling low, it would be understandable she'd 'put on the brakes'.
Just as a bit of back story. I have lived with depression most of my life. I'm in my 40s, perhaps similar in age to your mum, though I've never married or had children. I function - I have a nearly full time job, I cook, I eat, I shower every day. There's things I'm not so great at, and often I struggle out in public. Before my breakdowns, being out in public wasn't so consciously hard. When I'm very well, I have no problems hoovering, running around at work, etc. When I'm feeling low these things are a struggle. I carry on going to work and pushing through, because that's the way I am. Just, what I'm trying to say is, ability to function fluctuates. Some may see me as lazy, but sometimes I just really have to sit down at work, and really can't summon up the energy to run up the stairs.
I've never not taken care of my personal hygiene, but that doesn't mean there are not some areas I struggle with functioning in. Maybe just like your mum. But, of course, I don't know your mum. I'm just putting a few ideas out there from my own experience for you to ponder.
Katie speaks wise words.
I know none of us know your mum and I know parents can be infuriating at the best of times (my dad drove me bananas when I lived with my parents), but please try be patient. I live alone, so I'm responsible for my own home and bills, not easy and things can slide and feel too much to handle. After working freelance and appearing "functional" I'm having to take time off work at the moment. Depression can take over your life and the simplest things can seem like climbing Everest. I don't have kids, so I don't know how this would affect me, but I think it would be incredibly hard, but the illness would still be there. That is not to belittle what you are going through, things are clearly a struggle for you. I think the reason maybe your mum is forcing help on you but not herself could be that she is terrified. You are her baby, always will be and I would imagine she is scared for you and wants you to be well and happy.
No one here knows fully your situation and your family, but we can only go by what we see written down and give advice we think may help. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, people on the boards and yourself. It's just that some of he the words used can be offensive and hard to read. By no means that should change your opinion, but please try to remember it can be upsetting for others to read. Try to be patient with the responses you are not happy with, because getting all opinions and viewpoints can actually be really helpful.
Keep speaking with your therapist and be honest. I know it's hard and too tempting to hold back, but maybe they can help you and give suggestions in coping at home.
And she's a mom - she's not allowed to just give up .
Hi,
I just wanted to pick up on this comment. Its very hard to look after a parent, and I can understand what you mean about that. But Mums are still people, and to add a different angle, I have to look after my mum at the moment due to physical illness and treatment which makes her unwell. Mental health problems strike and change a person the same as a physical illness can. Mental illness makes everything so blurred around the edges, that even if you have a "role" to fight for (mother, father, a job, etc etc) its not necessarily enough to make you get up and do something. That can take time, and it doesn;t mean its easy on you, but I think its important to remember that your Mum isn't exempt from mental health problems, just because she is a Mum, as my mum, lots of parents aren't invinsible to health issues, be they physical or mental, simply because they have children.
The role reversal can be difficult, but if you can try and think of your Mum being unwell, rather than lazy, it might make it easier?
Obviously no one knows your Mum, but people are just trying to give the best understanding and advice they can from the situation you have described.
Take care.
"If only everyone could know and live with their inner craziness…people would be fairer and happier." Paulo Coelho
I really feel for you, and also for your mother as well.
I think there may be more parallels between what's going on for you both than you realise.
It sounds like you're both trying to help each other (you by trying to tell her what to do, her by sending you to therapy), but you also said this.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Danceintherain804
She's being completely hypocritical in refusing to get better, when she's shoving me off to therapy twice a week and shoving a bunch of different pills down my throat. If she's making me get better when I have no idea how and it's driving me crazy - she can't just sit there and wallow in her depression refusing to do anything about it.
Maybe she is doing what she can for you because she knows you don't know how to do it, and is trying for herself, by seeing a therapist, but really, she doesn't know how to do it for herself either.
It's very difficult to be around someone who is struggling so much, but it's not as difficult as being the person who struggles so much. Maybe she appears 'lazy' because she just doesn't know what to do, or how to actually change it, in the same way that you don't know how to get better.
The fact she is seeing a therapist (which I think I read when I was reading the thread?) is a positive thing because it means she knows she needs help and is trying to get what she needs. It won't be a quick or an easy fix, but wanting to tackle your issues is hard and brave and the fact she wants to is huge. It might appear to the outside that maybe she isn't improving, but you never know what's going on in her head, and maybe it is helping in a way you can't see.
I'm glad you are talking to your therapist. Keep doing that :) I also think whoever suggested meeting with your therapist and your mum could be very beneficial too, so that you can both hear the honest truth from each other, but do bear in mind that for both of you, the honesty approach could be uncomfortable and distressing, so do be aware it won't be easy for either of you.
I think an earlier question was, what would you like from this thread? You mentioned we don't know her - so why ask our opinion?
I understand that your mum is very unwell; my mother is too, and it has put immense strain on our family, both emotional and financial (she lost her job) because of her illness. Often I feel like she could try harder, as do my sister and father, and it has descended into fights more than once, but she *is* ill.
I do understand how hard this is, because as I mentioned earlier, I've been on that non-functioning depressed side, and I've been on the other side of watching a family member struggle. Right now, your mum sounds like she needs help; I'm not sure that's something she can get third-person from RYL. I'm sure this has already been suggested, but it may be worth considering speaking to her therapist yourself, or getting your father to, and telling them just how worried you are. I also wondered how long has this been going on for? If it has not been too long, it's possible she just needs time to process everything.
Some people function with mental illnesses, some don't. Pain isn't about what happened, but how badly it affects someone, and everyone is different.
I hope this doesn't sound too blunt.
Take care.
It doesn't matter where you come from; it matters where you go.
No-one gets remembered for the things they didn't do.
We won't all be here this time next year,
so while you can take a picture of us.
We're definitely going to hell,
but we'll have all the best stories to tell.
I think instead of telling a bunch of strangers online that your mother is gross, why don't you help her with her hygiene, eating habits and smoking?
You calling her ****ing disgusting is a tad rude when she brought you into this world. Maybe her not showering, eating more than she should and smoking is part of her depression? I know when I'm depressed I don't eat and when I was younger I didn't shower because I didn't feel like I deserved to. Everyone is different.
So as I said, why don't you help instead of calling her ****ing disgusting...
And she's a mom - she's not allowed to just give up and get mad at her kid when I'm struggling too.
Please, don't for a second think I'm picking on you because I'm not, but this comment is kinda selfish :/
ANYONE can get depression and ANYONE can give up. If you take that attitude then by rights, no one is allowed to just give up.
I suffer from depression, both of me parents do too.
We get mad at each other, we have arguments and get mad because one of us has taken something personally or snapped at someone or something.
It's part of being in a family, whether you're dealing with depression or not.
Your mum needs help and whether you say the things you've said here to her face or not, if you resent/hate/get annoyed/mad at the way her mental illness is affecting her then it WILL come across in your behaviour and attitude towards her whether you realise it or not.
As I said in my post before when I was giving you advice, you need to talk with your therapist and talk about this option of sitting down together or as a family because if you keep this bottled up and you're not honest with your therapist and the people around you then you'll never be able to move forward
So, I see a lot has been said already.... Some of it very hard and some with care... Let us oft speak kind words to each other...
My mom has been diagnosed with Munchousens By-Proxy (and for those of you who don't know what that is, it's where subject A puts subject B in a state of sickness constantly so subject A feels needed all the time). Both my dad and stepmom have some sort of brain malfunction to where at certain points in time, they'll act like an uncontrollable alcholic which made my childhood, well, tumultuous.
I understand that your mom can be abrasive and hard to cope with at certain points in time. Just know that if she wants to get better and heal, she will. I understand that it's very complicated to have mentally ill parents. It'll get better. There's always rain before the shine.
If she's not functioning well then it's about time proffesional help intervenes. Have you discussed this at all with your therapsit? Is she aware how unstable your mom is? If not, then maybe she can give you some tools on how to work with her in a manner that can help you and benefit you and your mom as well, ya know?
I hope this helps you girl. Remember you are not alone in the battle of life <3
"Don't go in search for the light at the end of the tunnel, but BE the light at the end of the tunnel for someone else"-unknown
"Fall Down Seven Times, Get Up Eight" -Japanese Proverb
"You can count on me like 1,2,3 and I'll be there. 'Cuz I know when I need it I can count on you like 4,3,2 and you'll be there. 'Cuz that's what friends are supposed to do."-Bruno Mars
"I'll jump for you."-Tokio Hotel
"Everyone needs an olly, olly, oxen free."-Hannah Baker
Hi. I used to be in a very similar situation to you. My mum was and still is very ill with BPD, thus causing great tension when her depression gets really bad. But this isn't something which is she in control of. There have been times in my childhood where she would sleep for weeks, and I wouldn't see her emerge. My parents relied on one another to ensure meals were cooked for us, because neither of them could cope full time. Growing up with ill parents has it's toll on you, and certainly at such a tender stage of being a teenager, it's not easy to take in and act calmly about. I understand that it's difficult for you, and the living environment that you're in is of utmost importance when you want to get better. But throwing all these extremely intense emotions inwards is just causing you to further perpetuate your inner turmoil, causing you to want to call your mum such names. I know it's hard to try and motivate a sick parent, but you must try to realise that this is not a conscious decision of your mother, who clearly cares for you enough to want to see you get better, hence the weekly therapy and medication.
If the changes have not been adequately made that were drawn up after your hospital admission, then maybe you should try and review this with a professional of some sort. I know you say you've mentioned this to your therapist already, but surely she can help implement some kind of real enforced change to ensure that your safety and recovery can be obtained if things are that bad.
To put it very simply, a lot of people are in your situation. It's not unusual that a parent suffers from depression. It happens a lot, and unfortunately the only way to deal with it, is to deal with it. I think a very good point was made earlier that the most important thing for you in this situation is for you to try and find a healthy way to deal with this situation. It's frustrating, but you're 16 years old, and you're in a far better situation than that of a 7 year old, who can't cook, and who can't physically help their parents shower. Yeah, you're a teenager, and yeah, I was quite a selfish 16 year old, but looking back, I recognise that my mothers illness was not a way of trying to put me down. It's a genuine struggle that she physically and mentally cannot help. Me moaning about it did nothing for her recovery. It made it worse. Try to take away a little bit of the bitterness and calmly work out a plan for you both. There is a way of getting through, but only if you allow yourself to.
Do not be dismayed by the brokenness of the world. All things can be mended. Not with time, as they say, but with intention. So go. Love intentionally, extravagantly, unconditionally. The broken world awaits in darkness for the light that is you.
