How do you live again?

[ReleaseTheory]

I have been free from my abusive ex-boyfriend for almost 8 months now. I don't miss the abuse. However, in order to break the cycle, I had to move away from my home town and everyone I knew. At the time, it wasn't hard to do since most of the people I called friends had long since had enough of my crap: I never hung out anymore; I was always with my boyfriend, and he never wanted me to go anywhere without him.
I don't live too far away, but I moved far enough away that no one would know me in this area. It's exactly what I needed so he wouldn't find me. I finally started dating again (a result of a good friend of mine back home encouraging me to start over), and then I found out I was pregnant. I moved in with the new guy. Things went fast between us, and I know that. But he's amazing. I lost the baby in December, and, honestly, I don't know how to deal with it. It hurts. And all I want to do is curl into a ball and never move every time I think about it.
Although things are a little better now, I still don't know anyone in this area with the exception of my boyfriend. It's starting to get to me. I used to really enjoy being alone most of my time, but now I really wish that I had some friends to call up and hang out with from time to time. It's lonely here. Depressing. And it allows too much time for me to sit and think about all the things I lost.
In the mean time, my ex-boyfriend is doing wonderfully. New girlfriend. New job. Lots of friends. It's like... He's the one that did all the bad things, but I'm the one being punished for it. And I don't understand. I just want to understand why I'm the one that has to start over. Or better yet, HOW do I start over?
My head is so f*ckd up from all the mental and physical abuse; I can't think straight. Why am I still being punished? How do I learn to live again? And where the hell do I start? I'm so tired. And I'm so sick of feeling pain that my ex doesn't feel and doesn't even know exists. I want to hate him so badly. And I can't. Some days, like today, I wish I could see him face to face and scream until he realizes what he did to me. Every bruise, every broken bone, every scrape, and every sting across the face-- days like to day, I just want him to feel it all.

[ReleaseTheory]

Just texted my boyfriend to let him know how I was feeling today, and his response was that I am the one punishing myself. Someone please explain this comment to me before I jump through the phone at him for telling the abused girl that something else in this world is her fault, too. -_-' God, I am so tired. I know I'm probably just really sensitive right now and that he probably didn't mean anything by it, but I feel like it was one of those "It's over now, so stop feeling sorry for yourself and move on with life" comments.

[ReleaseTheory]

And there we have it: he thinks I'm not over my ex-boyfriend.
No, what I'm not over is the abuse; my problem is that I don't know how to come to terms with it.
Wonderful. I love having blowouts with him.
I think I'll move out now. No use is staying here and making him feel poorly, too.

[happiness...its all a lie]

Hey hun
sorry things are so bad right now could you try joing a book or sports club or something as a way to make new friends?
Do you work or go to college? maybe look at a course you could do- all different ways of meeting people.
It will be hard, but remember its hard for your bf too he loves you and wants you to be happy but hes probably frustrated because he doesnt know what to say to make things better or feels he isnt making you happy. When he said about punishing yourself maybe he meant you arent allowing yourself to accept its not happening now and your free, that you can be happy and do things that you want to do. Maybe he feels that in some way your ex is still controlling you.
Speak to your boyfriend and ask him how he feels? its hard but i now ask my bf how he feels about certain things and then we talk through it and try to find solutions to it. I think your bf loves you lots but doesnt know what to say or do to make things better for you it will hurt him seeing you hurt so much.

[PolkaDot.]

Try not to overthink the text until you see your boyfriend in person. Sounds like you have been through a lot together, the bond you gain in tough times can be irreplacable.

I understand why it feels like you're still being punished because you're feeling isolated. Now your ex is occupied with other things could this be an opportunity to spend more time with your old friends (the nice ones)?

Have you looked into support groups for women who have experienced domestic violence? If you can find one close by it could be an oppourtunity to build some good friendships with people who understand what you've been through.

Losing a baby can be so traumatic. I've got a few friends who found it really hard to deal with their grief at first but said talking and working through their emotions really helped. Along with time.

Feel proud that you had the courage to walk away from your ex. Sure you can get through this, you sound like a really strong woman :)

*Hugs*

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