I'm sorry to hear things are so difficult for you at the moment. But you're not weak, not at all. Even if nobody can make it ok for you at the moment, it sounds like it would be a very good idea to see the psychologist because they can still support you, even if they can't help at the moment, and they can be there for you.
It is still a problem to have those suicidal thoughts even if you don't act on it. Having the tool isn't a good idea, because even if you don't have a date, it makes it that little bit 'easier' to act on those thoughts. And the best thing if possible is to make it as difficult as possible to act on those thoughts.
How are you feeling at the moment? Keep talking as much and as often as you need to, there are always people to listen <3 Take care of you, and be gentle with yourself xxxx
I really hope that you don't buy the tool. Even if you aren't actually planning on acting on these thoughts, having it there would make it that much easier to do so, and I really do believe that you can get through this and be glad to be alive again.
The fact that you're having these thoughts is worrying, and I think reaching out and seeing your psychologist and/or doctor would be a really good idea. You do deserve that support.
You are not weak, don't tell yourself that. You do not deserve to hear it! You've got through a hell of a lot and you HAVE had good times, maybe have a look through some positive journal entries, photos and such to remind yourself of that and that you can get there again? Try to look after yourself and do things that might lift your mood a little.
Lots of love <3 xxx
"I know you're sad, so I won't tell you to have a good day. Instead, I advise you to simply have a day.
Stay alive, feed yourself well, wear comfortable clothes, and don't give up on yourself just yet.
It'll get better. Until then, have a day."
Oh heavens, heavens! I made the appointment. I got in to see my psychologist tomorrow morning :/
I don't want to be this unwell. I got notes from my last admission in the mail today and it's reminded me I can't get to that point again, I can't, but I'm just not coping right now and suicidal thoughts seem like the only way out of this.
What on earth am I doing with an appointment tomorrow, and what on earth am I going to say.
Thank you both a bundle and a million for your support xxx
Last edited by Snow White. : 15-05-2012 at 04:03 AM.
Hi Aimee,
I just wanted you to know that I've been reading this thread for a few days because it resonates a lot with me.
I wanted to say that I am so glad that you've made an appointment and that you don't want to get to that kind of low point again. You might be feeling like you don't know what to say at your appointment, a lot of us have felt like that. Just say what you feel comfortable saying and hopefully enough detail will come out in the conversation for your psych to get the picture of what's going on for you. Good luck.
Even as the stone of the fruit must break
that its heart may stand in the sun,
so must you know pain.
There are only two ways in which one can live their life. One is as though nothing is a miracle, the other is as though everything is.
I saw my psychologist today. I was able to be honest about a lot of things so it was helpful for her to talk me through those things. But it also made me certain that i want to give up. I promised I wouldn't buy my method but, that may not be enough.
I just got a flash idea in my head of when I could go through with it. It's soon.
Thought I'd be scared by these thoughts, I'm actually indifferent.
I just don't care anymore. I give up. I am sorry to be speaking like this I know it must be unpleasant.
Aimee I'm really glad you went and talked to your psychologist.
Did you tell her about your plans and your method?
Without wanting to sound horrible here, but your Mum has just lost her mother, how do you think she'd cope with losing a daughter as well?
Sometimes, if holding on for ourselves doesn't seem enough, we have to hold on for other people.
Please don't buy whatever you intend to use - even if you don't plan to use it, knowing it is there will tempt you, and also means you can act impulsively and do things you would regret. Safer to not have it at all, and then even if you do feel really suicidal, you are less likely to act on it.
I do understand when you say you are indifferent to the thoughts. I think that's actually more dangerous than being scared. But why do you feel you should give up?
Oh Aimee,
I'm so sorry things have gotten this bad.
Well done for seeing your psychologist though, I know that was very difficult for you.
What makes you feel like suicide is the only option? It really isn't.
Aimee, maybe this is a last last resort situation. I know you don't like it and want to avoid it at all costs but if you are feeling suicidal can you please please go to A&E? For your mum, for your friends, for us, for me and for you.
I wish I had more words.
I'm thinking of you,
Please take gentle care of yourself and don't buy the tools you need for your method.
I'll check back in later.
Ash
Hi Amy, thanks for replying I very much appreciate it.
It is my mum, and family, that have been stopping me from acting on these thoughts. But I'm starting to crumble under the weight of sadness and I expect my thoughts are not as logical as before. But my mum has pretty liberal views on suicide, she'd miss me but she'd probably be glad I'm not in pain any more, like how she feels about her mum passing.
Yes, I told her about the method. As for why, I don't want to live. I'm so overweight i dont even recognise myself and its left me numbingly depressed. The fears comes and goes, i exoect I get tired and suppress it.
Hi Ash,
Hope you're well. Thanks for replying. I don't know why i think its the last resort. I guess nothing seems to help in the long-term. I do promise you that if these feelings get worse ill reach out. A&e scares me cause of all the sick people but my doctor is pretty accessible.
Thank you both for your support. I admit to not feeling worthy of replies with how distorted my thoughts appear, but I appreciate the replies great deal. Thank you. I promise i am trying.
Hey Aimee,
How are you feeling tonight?
I am glad to hear if things worsen you'll go to A&E. When do you see your psychologist next?
I think your mum would be shattered I you committed suicide. In general maybe her views are liberal, but when it's her little girli think I would be quite different.
You have so much potential, you are very intelligent, you are kind and supportive and you have so many years ahead of you.
Thanks for checking in on me, I really really appreciate it. I'm seeing my psychologist in three weeks, as GP is next week and psychiatrist the week after.
I'm feeling calmer. I thought tomorrow night would be unsafe for me but now i feel able to make it through the next few days. I've been distracted this evening as my bro came over which helped. But sometimes I have trouble letting go of the idea of suicide so i have to watch out for that.
I realised I want a staff at uni to know how tough thongs are, even if only to validate the work I'm doing as good in the circumstances. Guess i need to hear that but there's nobody to tell so I am trying to reassure myself.
How are you feeling about the GP and psych appointments?
I'm glad you are feeling calmer. It's great you feel able to make it through the next few days.
Was it a good visit win your brother?
I hope you can keep yourself distracted from the suicidal thoughts. Do you have a list or a mental list of things you can do when you are thinking about it?
I think talking to a member of staff is a good idea. Do you have a uni counsellor? Or disability Liason? They might be able to help you out.
Good on you for trying to reassure yourself but I can understand that you might need that from someone else.
Thanks for your reply. I know you're having a tough time so thank you for taking the time to reply, it means a lot to me.
I'm feeling okay about the GP and Psych appointments. The psychiatrist will hopefully alter my medications.
My mood is so up and down. Today I'm trying really, really hard to keep safe but there are so many nagging thoughts. I'm trying to avoid them. I swing between being rational that suicide is the answer and then urging myself not to go through it. Which is hard. I had a conversation with myself in the mirror to urge myself to stay safe and it was so sad, didn't do well.
I thought last night actually about the disability support person at uni. I'll think about it over the weekend but realistically my uni work isn't affected so there's nothing they can do. But it might be wise to tell them incase the work is affected.
Thanks again. Sorry for writing so much. Home alone tonight so needed to get this out.
I'm glad you are feeling ok about the appointments. I hope your psychiatrist does adjust your meds because it sounds like you are a bit all over the place in that department.
By avoiding the thoughts what do you mean? Do you mean distracting from them? Sorry I wasn't quite clear.
You really do need to stay safe. I don't want anything to happen to you. Do whatever you can to keep yourself safe. Well done for trying so hard to keep yourself safe. And succeeding! Bravo!
I think talking to the disability Liason person would be a good 'just in case' measure.
You hardly wrote anything! So there's no need to apologise.
Does it feel better getting it out?
Again, you are welcome. Anytime.
Take gentle care and stay safe
Ash
I'm so glad you're trying to keep safe<3 I think i'd share the same view about suicide as your mother but that doesn't make it a good thing.
I know it's tough and I take my hat off to you for fighting it,
You should make yourself a happy box, happy boxes are great:3 and it really helps me ^.^
I think you should tell a member of staff at uni, cause they'll probably Mark your work with *can't think of the word* (is it mitigating?) circumstances, well I know if I was a person marking work, I'd be less harsh on marking and give you more leeway upon this information.
If you need to talk, feel free to message me c:
I love you<3
Best luck ~
You may lose the battle, but keep fighting the war.
"I'm scaring myself, I don't know the girl in the mirror now"
"How can you know? How can you stay in control when all that you know is falling apart?"
"Time's racing please slow down, i gotta find my way out, I'm hopless but hoping.."
RIP Lewis Thelwall - 26/11/12
ILOVEYOU- remember that c:
My mood is really elevated, and I didn't think it would be problematic but it is. I'm making sure I don't leave the house cause I might buy the thing I am not allowed to. I want to e-mail the head of honours to meet with him and tell him things are struggling and ask him if I could get the special consideration/mitigating circumstances. Should I? I can't focus and I don't need to eat and I want to tell my friend I am struggling too, but she'll think I'm just the crazy friend.
And Ash, sorry yes I meant distracting from the thoughts.
I hate this feeling cause it is so confusing. Thanks for reading. I'm going to try and calm downa ndhope it works.
Last edited by Snow White. : 19-05-2012 at 08:59 AM.
I've spoken to my friend and got through to my mum too so that grounded me a bit. Shamefully I binged which annoyingly also calmed me. But thankfully at least it calmed me enough I don't want to leave to buy anything and I've resolved to take the night off to relax. My fave shows are on telly so I'm better now.
Thanks again, I'm sorry I was panicking before and appreciate your response x
I'm glad you got through to your friend and mum and that it was grounding.
I'm sorry to hear that you binged. How has your eating been? I'm glad you are calmer now and won't go buy those things.
Glad you are taking the night off to relax. I hope you enjoy/enjoyed your TV shows and are feeling better.
No need to apologise, it's all good. You are very welcome.
