Hi so... I apologize if this doesn't make much sense I'm kinda all over the place right now. I'm terrified. I guess it's in my nature to be scared, but lately, I'm scared of absolutely everything, people, things, even food. I'm scared someone's put something in my food, or that there will be something like hair or a bug or something in it (school food, I board). What scares me most however, is ME.
I'm scared of myself and of what I'm capable (or not) of doing. I have exams soon, GCSEs, and I should do quite well, I just have a lot of them (I have like... 20 exams if not more.). I'm also scared of failing them, even though I shouldn't be. It's a completely irrational fear.... Maybe that's whats affecting how I feel about myself and what I'm doing.
Basically the other day I was getting changed and I looked in the mirror and there were cuts above my hip, regular, fresh, thin slashes. I JUMPED literally. My reaction was "how the HELL did I get that". From thier regularity I figured i'd done that to myself. I don't remember doing it though, at all...
I was looking through some boxes a few days ago, and I stumbled upon a bag full of dismantled pencil sharpeners and loose screws. Not a single blade left in them. I don't remember taking them apart either. I don't know where the blades are...
I found some pills too, randomly. I'm so scared because I don't understand how this is happening. I have no memory of stashing all this stuff or where I've stashed it, and I'm really scared that if I flip completely, I might do something really, REALLY stupid.
I'm so scared. I'm sorry, I don't know what to do. I've told my two closest friends (one of them saw me on here and put 2 and 2 together so I told her and gave her the one blade I had. The other figured it out when I mentioned the Design department needing new pencil sharpeners, she used to SH too...) but it's not making me feel any safer. What if I take enough pills to knock me out cold? I sleep a lot, so everyone will just assume I went to bed early. Nobody will know, in a house of 60 people, nobody will suspect a thing until the matron tries to wake me nearly 18h later or something. I don't want to die, not yet, not without leaving something to make people understand...
I'm sorry... <3
One day, you asked me to choose between you and my life,
I chose my life and you left,
But you didn't know that My Life is you.
Hey.
I'm sorry I don't really have any advice for you.
You're exams will be okay, just do as much revision as you feel you need and you'll be fine.
Have you told any one about not being able to remember stuff, professional wise, not friends?
You can always PM me if you want to chat.
do what is reasonable to prepare, and then try to not keep focusing on the exams. i know it is tough, i often feel like i'm going to fail and get all worked up over schoolwork, and then it usually turns out fine. often it turns out better the times that i haven't worked myself into a frenzy over it.
i think that it might be good to talk with a doctor or counselor about the lost time. it certainly is scary. only happened to me a couple times, but it really freaked me out. maybe you could set up some checks for yourself, like ask the matron to make sure that you're up every morning or something. does she know about your self harm?
this is my magical medicine cabinet. Left to right they contain: courage, hope, calmness, and strength.
The magical part: They NEVER run out, so borrow some any time you want.
Nobody knows about my self harm except for a couple of people in my house, and they've promised not to tell, they don't know how bad it can get though. My roomie just tends to call my name a couple of times if I don't get up and then assumes i'm not going in so she leaves me alone. And the matron doesn't get in until 10...
I don't know what to do, I don't want others to know cause it'll get back to my parents, and if it gets back to my parents, I'll be miserable cause I work with clay and jewellery and stuff and they'll take away my knives (which aren't what I use btw) which means I won't be able to work anymore... yeah I don't make much sense but whatever... I really don't want my parents to know so I tend to keep stuff quiet.
And that also means that if they stumble upon a bag of pills, that's the end for me.
One day, you asked me to choose between you and my life,
I chose my life and you left,
But you didn't know that My Life is you.
It must be horrible to feel scared all the time, no one deserves to live in fear like that. I know it's scary but I really think you should talk to someone about these fears so you can begin to work through them and realise what is a normal fear and what is an irrational fear. As for your upcoming exams remind yourself that the fear of failure is irrational and that you have prepared and that now all you can do is your best and that is good enough. The lost time is concerning, I know your worried about talking to someone as you don't want it getting back to your parents. Do you really want to keep living like this though? Hold on there, you will get through this. Take care
Kat xxx
"Recovery is something that you have to work
on every single day and it's
something that doesn't
get a day off."
I just keep telling myself that I can do two more years of this. Then It'll be a new country, a new school - university. New people, a new start. I just hope I can hold on for that long. I hate pain, I really, really hate pain, i'm scared of hurting myself in general, yet I do that now almost on a daily basis. And this is the only pain I can take. All I want to do is scream "I'm sorry" but nobody would ever forgive me. I took everything I had for granted and just wasted it all. I'm ashamed and scared and I don't know where to go. I don't know how to tell people, how to make them understand.
One day, you asked me to choose between you and my life,
I chose my life and you left,
But you didn't know that My Life is you.
I just got out the bath/shower. I don't remember getting in. My room-mate said I left the room over an hour ago. And I have more cuts on my arms and legs... I'm so scared... <3
One day, you asked me to choose between you and my life,
I chose my life and you left,
But you didn't know that My Life is you.
maybe you could set a timer when you're in the bath, for like 7 min or something, so that it would go off and maybe help bring you back to the present instead of being zoned out? really don't know if that would help, but its all i can think of at the moment
this is my magical medicine cabinet. Left to right they contain: courage, hope, calmness, and strength.
The magical part: They NEVER run out, so borrow some any time you want.
i honestly don't know. I do think she'd go off and tell someone though, most likely by accident, but a lot of things have been spread through her. It's more people I don't trust at all I'm worried about, because everyone here loves to gossip, even if it'll hurt someone or you've asked them to keep it quiet. Promises mean nothing and are never kept here... <3
One day, you asked me to choose between you and my life,
I chose my life and you left,
But you didn't know that My Life is you.
well... personally, i wouldn't trust her with the truth... how hard is it to deflect her and change the conversation? maybe you can just avoid answering... or say that you'd rather not explain? (though then she might draw her own conclusions...)
this is my magical medicine cabinet. Left to right they contain: courage, hope, calmness, and strength.
The magical part: They NEVER run out, so borrow some any time you want.
I just told her it was nothing and she kinda dropped it (mainly cause I walked out as soon as I was changed and she didn't catch up). I'm just worried about other people finding out now, or what to tell them if they notice. I guess most of the time I just say "It's nothing" but that makes it so obvious that I'm lying. And I hate lying.
<3
One day, you asked me to choose between you and my life,
I chose my life and you left,
But you didn't know that My Life is you.
