Why can't I just give up? Why do you all constantly ask me to do this and do that for you all... and you expect me to do it without giving me a chance to say no or I can't right now
~Matt~
Susanna Kaysen: I'm ambivalent. In fact that's my new favorite word.
Dr. Sonia Wick: Do you know what that means, ambivalence?
Susanna Kaysen: I don't care.
Dr. Sonia Wick: If it's your favorite word, I would've thought you would...
Susanna Kaysen: It *means* I don't care. That's what it means.
A vegetarian recipe book, a pair of pyjama bottoms, a towel and a post-it note you put in my book when you were ill. That's all that's left of you in my life, aside from the scores of books you brought me.
"I've got a present for you" you'd say.
"Is it a book?" I'd say, grinning. It was always a book. Chekov, Hunter S. Thompson, Phillip K. Dick and so many more. It seems so alien to have to buy for myself again.
And this is what remains of you. These remnants, plus a few personal habits like only freshly brewed coffee in the morning, green tea before bed. I get by. I miss you but most days I know that it's for the best and I'm moving on with my life. You're starting to become fuzzy around the edges, and live in my head as some legendary character. Some days you haunt me though, plague me. Like this nagging sensation in the back of my skull, behind my ear. Even so, when I think back to some of the times we spent together I find myself smiling. Everything that's happened doesn't take away those memories, barely even taints them. Once I was happy. And I loved. And I was loved.
Someone please talk to me. I don't care who. And I hate to even make such a request because it makes me look like such a needy little bitch, but I need someone to distract me from myself before I do something really stupid.
I'm sorry. I'm so so fucking sorry. I just want to be friends again. Because I could trust you. I could tell you everything and you wouldn't judge me. You'd tease me for being too sensitive without ever making me feel like it was a bad thing. You'd tell me inappropriate jokes and then immediately say "don't judge me for that". You'd let me be upset when I needed to and kick my ass out of it when I didn't.
I just want you back. I just want someone I can cry on who won't tell me to suck it the fuck up.
It pains me to see you upset, to see you ridden with guilt, to see you scared and hurting with what's going on in your life/what has happened, to see you suffering.
It worries me,
that, every day, you hurt your wonderful self.
& I am so frightened I'll lose you.
When you smile/laugh, it makes me smile/laugh.
It makes me happy to see you happy.
It makes things seem brighter on the dark days we both have.
When you talk it makes me smile & laugh, I have missed us talking, giggling together, your voice, all the small things, all the big things, all of it.
When we used to lie together and you holding me, holding my hand, stroking my hair, smiling, camwhoring, smoking, watching TV, giggling, just... lying together, sleeping side by side, being together, I felt loved, cared for. Safe. Happy. I felt understood too, not judged.
I'm anxious/scared, though.
But, it doesn't mean I don't love you or don't want you in my life or don't care, it really doesn't.
I'm always so crap at identifying my feelings, but I know this;
I have truly missed you, and I will always love you and care about you and I'll always be here, no matter what.
Honestly...yes, I wish I'd died in December. Yes, I wish I'd been left those few extra minutes so it would have been too late. Yes, it would have meant I'd never found out about the cheating and it would mean I'd never have got pregnant.
There. I said it. I'm a terrible person but I finally said it.
Hate me all you want. I don't care anymore.
X, you're such a troll. Grow the hell up and take some responsibility for yourself. You're choosing to throw your life down the drain and dedicate your time to harvesting the sympathy of others. It's just so unclassy.
Awkwardly, I can see bits of me in you, but they're parts that I control, whereas you have embraced your internal drive to attention-seek and let it obliterate all other meaning in your life. I kind of wish I could try to help you, because I do see that you're not bad, just misguided, but I know right now that you will not listen to anything that isn't pandering kindness and mollycoddling, so I'll just not bother.
