Contains abuse - all because I wanted to go to a party...
my friend julie has been bugging me to go to her house and party. finally I had a chance this past friday.
when I got there Rodney, julies boyfriends brother, and I went to the store to get beer. came back had a great time playing pong and dancing. overall, great.
come 5:30 I was about dead from being so tired. and it doesn't help I've been cramming for exams late at night and getting up early for work.
I woke up around 6ish because the tv was on and really loud (I was on the couch) I got up and rodney was in the kitchen cooking. so I said I was going to sleep in his room. I wake up at like 8:30 with him next to me. looking at me. he was being nice and said good morning and so fid I. I was trying to fall back asleep and he started saying how much he likes me and how pretty I am. I just smile to be nice, but I'm not interested, I have a boyfriend.
he starts to kiss me and for a split second I kissed him back, but pulled away when I relized it was really wrong. he starts touhing me side and rubbing my legs.
I pushed his hands away and said, I have a boyfriend, I can't do this. he wouldn't listen. he tried to pull my pants down (I wasn't wearing underwear, they got soaked with coffee earlier that night ) I kept saying I can't do this and to stop.
he started rubbing my area, I grabbed his hand and moved it away. he just kept on going until his fingers were in. I told him not to. he just kissed me so I couldn't say anything. he started to get up from beside me and I quickly pulled up my pj pants. he grabbed them and pulled them down and tried eating me out. I told him to stop and I can't do this and I have a boyfriend. he did stop, but then he tried getting on top of me. I squirmed so he was like half laying on me. I could feel him pull his pants down and he got my pants off me. he tried to get me on top of him but I tried to be like dead weight. he kept saying I was so beautiful and how he liked me. I told him to stop again, but in a second, he was ontop of me trying to get in. I told him I have a boyfriend and I don't want to do it. but he got in anyway.
it really hurt. I've had srx before, but just with my boyfriend.
he was trying to be passionate, but I had to try not to cry. he kept trying to kiss me but I would turn my head. he kept talking to me saying how much he's wanted this and how tight I am. I just closed my eyes and all I could think about was ben.
I told him I wasn't on birth control and to hurry up and pull out. but he said he wasn't ready yet. I just laid there as a few tears escaped my eyes, I dobt think he noticed.
he took forever and I just wanted to die. he finally said that he was still drunk and didn't think he could go. a.d proceeded to ask if he could stop and go to sleep. I said yes, of corse.
I rolled over and tried to compose myself before I left my friends. he tried snuggling with me. I just got really stff. he stared asking about my boyfriend and I said I really loved him. so je said he wouldn't tell anyone.
after he said that I went to the bathroom and cried.
I got my stuff together and went home.
I don't know what to do. leann, my bff, said I should report it, but I dont really know if that counts as rape, I just verbally said no. I didn't try to fight him. I was honestly too exhausted to do much of anything.
I don't want to tell ben, my boyfriend, but he knows somethings wrong, I just can't deal with it anymore.
Last edited by squirrelspit : 18-03-2012 at 11:49 PM.
Reason: Adding an abuse label. Take care. xx
'Rape is when a man forces his penis into the vagina, anus or mouth of another person when that person doesn't want him to do so; the law calls this 'without consent'.'
If you say No to sex and someone continues it is rape.
I'm really sorry this happened to you, if you can report it do so.
thinking of you x
He is wrong it's rape he is out of order does not matter he was drunk you must report it Im so sorry you went though this I know how scary it is thinking of you x
I'm waaay to scared to report it. I don't want to press charges or anything. I don't think he would get convicted because we were both drunk on friday and I didn't fight. can i just get the morning after pill and stuff without reporting it? I've already had a shower and stuff, so I don't think that they could get anything off me.
I don't know how ben would react or if he would believe me. I've never cheated on him, but I dont know if he would think I was lying about me saying no to cover up cheating.
Do not be ashamed this was rape what hev did was very wrong, especially if you were drunk. This was in no way your fault anf was completely unacceptable on his part. You shoulnt have to feel afraid to report this, even if you dont want to press charges you should still report so he knows this was wrong and so hopefully heont try this with someone else. I am so sorry this happened to you. take care, i hope your boyfriend is supportive
Do your demons, do they ever let you go?
When you've tried do they hide deep inside
is it someone that you know You're just a picture
you're an image caught in time
We're a lie, you and I we're words without a rhyme
There's no sign of the morning coming
you've been left on your own
Like a rainbow in the dark just a rainbow in the dark
~Dio
Thanks everyone. If I was to report it, can I not like tell his name and just get the treatment? I'm the kind of person who doesn't like confrontation and I don't want to mess up Julie and my friendship.
And where would I go? Do I make a drs appointment, or go to the hospital and be like "oh, I'm not sick. I was just raped ysterday"
UPDATE: I told Ben, my boyfriend, first he seemed like he wanted to kill Rodney. But then he made it seem like I wanted it and I jsut felt bad for cheating. I should have faught him off, but I was scared and exhausted and just wanted to go back to bed. Ben said if I don't want to file a report then I need to get over it and focus on my school.
I can't stop thinking about it. I should have done more. Ugh, I feel so stupid and worthless. I just seem like I can't do anything right.
Sweetheart you are most definitely not stupid and worthless. This is a big thing to have to deal with. You said no, and that's enough - he should have stopped there and then.
It's up to you as to whether you report it or not, but you can go to a hosp and say you need medical attention without necessarily then reporting the rape to the police. You need the morning after pill and they need to check if there's any damage to you physically (as well as mentally).
Ben is probably just struggling to get his head around things. It's hard for him too sweetpea. xx
"Keep your heart open to dreams. For as long as there's a dream, there is hope, and as long as there is hope, there is joy in living."
Oh, dear. I know what this is like. I know what its like to constantly rip your mind to shreds about what you should have done. But saying no, is saying no. Im so sorry that this happened to you. Your a lovely person and you didnt diserve this. If you ever need to talk, feel free to PM me. Never blame yourself. Talk to someone, thats the next best thing to do if your not going to report it (which would be best). I hope your doing well. Stay strong. <3
In my wildest dreams,
You always play the hero.
And in the darkest hour of night,
You rescure me.
You save my life.
I'm going to make a drs appt today when I go on break from work. I like my dr and I feel better talking to her.
I was up all night, I just couldn't sleep. I kept replaying it over and over with what I should have done.
I'm with the other guys Sweetheart, you are not in the wrong here. You have experienced a terrible thing and you sund like you're being really brave. So well done. At the end of the day, no is no and rape is rape. Best of luck with the Drs, let us know how you get on.
"I want to be magic. I want to touch the heart of the world and make it smile. I want to be a friend of elves and live in a tree. Or under a hill. I want to marry a moonbeam and hear the stars sing. I don’t want to pretend at magic anymore. I want to be magic."
Well, my dr can't see me for a while... I didn't really want to tell the receptionist why I needed to see her. She said if I really need to see someone then to go to urgent care or the medical center thing in Walmart. Idk, I'm nervous. I am kind of hoping Ben will take me, I don't want to go alone.
He's not much help though. I didnt' tell him every detail, I jsut couldn't speak much. But he said it sounds like I cheated and feel bad, it makes me feel liek its all my fault. He even had the nerve to ask me if I at least enjoyed myself. I went histerical. I slept on the couch he made me so mad. i don't know if he just doesn't know how to take it or if he really doesn't believe me...
Babe you need to get checked out... is there a rape centre near you? In those places you can get checked out they can take any evidence and if you decide you want to take it to the police then at least there you'll have some evidence. You need to get the morning after pill and get checked out for STI's and they should have access to a counselling service to help you through this although be aware there may be a waiting list.
It doesn't sound as though your boyfriend has fully got the jist of what happened or maybe he just doesn't want to accept it. Maybe you could write him a letter and explain it to him that way if talking about it face to facce is too difficult.
Take care.
Amy x
'Cause I'll always remember you the same.
Oh eyes like wild flowers within demons of change ♥
I think Amy's idea of writing a letter is a great idea. Im sorry that your boyfriend isn't understanding how hard this is on you, and that you need his support more than anything right now. Stay well, <3 Let us know how the Dr. appt. goes.
*hugs*
In my wildest dreams,
You always play the hero.
And in the darkest hour of night,
You rescure me.
You save my life.
Thanks everyone :)
It's easier to talk to all of you thank the people in my life, I think its because i can type when I'm ready and if I cry, you cant see me :P (I don't like people watching me cry :/ )
I couldn't get in this week, so I'm goign to call tomorrow and see when they can get me in. I don't want to have sex with Ben until I get checked. But my abnormally high sex drive (tmi I know lol) is gone.
But, after the tmi...lol. I'm getting through. But I have this obsession to scrub everything, mainly myself. I literally took 4 showers last night. I jsut feel so...dirty...idk, i don't know how to explain it.
Thats actually fairly normal, in my opinion. I have Obsessive- Compulsive Disorder and I'm a bit of a germaphobe so the abuse just tripled my already large need for things, myself included, to be clean and neat. So I know how you feel.
In my wildest dreams,
You always play the hero.
And in the darkest hour of night,
You rescure me.
You save my life.
So heres a bit of an update...
I have a drs appt on friday to check for std's and stuff. And I finally made a counciling appt (I missed an appt a few months ago and never rescheduled). So hopefully this helps.
Ben's leaving for NJ on sunday, and I don't want to be all alone for a week. :(
