Trapped

[88girl]

The police came. I wish I had of gone with them but I pretended that I am ok. I don't even know who called them.

[88girl]

I feel like an idiot. People keep trying to help me and I keep turning them away, even though I know I need the help. I have no idea what to do. I see the psych nurse tomorrow to get more meds, but I don't really trust myself not to down the whole months worth as soon as I dip. I seem to build up to crisis point every day and I am so tired of it and so sorry for everyone that is still around me. How horrible it must be for them to listen to me all the time. I don't want to be like this anymore, it's just too exhausting. it has cost me too much. I'm trying not to go home because I know that my razor is there tempting me. At least I have gotten to the point where I'm not having panic attacks because I've left home without anything to cut with. Now I just need to get to the point where I don't need to cut, don't need to die. How long can I keep putting otherrs through this before they just walk away? Maybe it'll be sooner rather than later and then I can just be left to my own devices and live or die according to how strong I can stay. I'm in a safe place right now, at a youth centre. Can't stay for much longer though. They'll start getting sick of me before long, everyone does. I don't even know how I put up with myself most the time. I guess I can't really huh? I don't know where to go from here. I feel lost with no way home.

[88girl]

I have a plan. It scares me but it's so hard to shake. I think this time I'll finally get it right.

[talaiporia]

Please, go to hospital.
Please tell someone what's going on.
*sends hugs*

[88girl]

Now this is why sleep is so important. Without it, I go do stupid things like hunting through the house and shed looking for any old scripts and medication and I struck gold. Only two parts left. I know there must be more beneath the staircase because there is nowhere else to look. I am so happy that I nearly have everything.

[talaiporia]

Did you get checked out? How is the pain now?
Please, do not take any more medication or pills. Please don't try to harm yourself again. Go to hospital.

Please take a look at this. http://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum...904#post868904

[88girl]

I've felt a bit calmer with having a plan and date. The pains are all but gone. I haven't taken many meds since, only enough to try and help me sleep. I need to save as many as I can. I didn't SI last night, so that's a good thing. I wont go to hospital cos they will try to stop me

[88girl]

I want help, I want my babies back, but I don't know how to do it and they are suffering being away from me. They need me and I need them, now, not in 6-12months time! :'(

[88girl]

No more. I can't do this anymore. I can't, I just can't. I give up already!!!

[metal_fiddler]

I imagine it must be the hardest thing in the world for you to be away from your kids and i can see the overwhelming hopelessness and desperation in your posts and that must feel more horrible then one can imagine but you NEED to hold on. We all care here and your kids need you too. with every last bit of strength, keep yourself alive, you can do this. I wish you would get yourself to a hospital to help you protect you. People care about you, get yourself safe!

[88girl]

I called lifeline last night (anonymous suicide prevention hotline) and they traced my number and sent the police to take me to hospital. I told them I didn't want to go to hospital and they had no right to betray my trust like that.
Who do I go to now for help?
They also dragged my Mother into this and I rarely speak to her. It's her failures as a Mother that child protection are punishing me and my children for. They don't seem to realise that I am nothing like her. I'll protect my kids to the death.
I don't know where to turn anymore that's safe