Graphic - I posted this in my journal but feel like i need to talk about it.
I cannot believe I am back in a place where I need to drug myself to get through the day. So far on weekends I am ok, but on workdays, in order to "keep up appearances" I numb myself by either taking OTC meds or clonazepam from my pdoc. I do not want to live my life like this. If things do not improve soon I will be bad on weekends too. Then it will be especially bad cause at work I can drive to work, medicate myself then when I am ready to drive home the meds have basically worn off. On the weekends planning things is not so easy.
I know my mood I partially related to not eating enough and not eating until 9 or 10 at night, and people keep telling me that but it is the only time I can eat and not feel extreme guilt and self hate for eating. I still feel those things when I eat my one meal, but it is much less intense because for so long I tried to hide it and dinner was the meal the people at home would really notice me not eating.
I went to my sister's house on Thursday night and was so horrible, weak, and such a failure. I had four coolers, a salad, 3/4 of a bag of miss vickies sweet chilli potato chips, and tortilla chips with salsa and artichoke and asiago dip. I am now 4 pounds heavier than I was on Wednesday morning. Failure. I did have fun. I did give myself permission, I even said let's go to the liquor store and let's get snacky food. I am so weak. I just wanted to have some fun. I just wanted to forget. I wanted to forget about control, sadness, pain, hope, everything. I guess I just wanted to feel like a normal 26 year old woman who can have one night of drinking and eating and not worry about it, or a woman who does not wake up every single morning am wish she didn't.
I am a bit scared of how far my cuts are going. Each time I do a big one it gets longer. They are progressively getting closer to mucle and other important things as I push myself further and lose more weight. I am scared but I also don't care. How does that work. I am really feeling the need to cut deep again but it has only been six days since I was in the ER for stitches last. I have to get stitches when I go deep cause I cannot take the chance that I will start bleeding all over the place, and I am on a very tight budget right now and cannot afford the supplies it would take to keep my cuts together until they healed. I am afraid I will get the same doctor as last time and he will think I am a danger to myself and hold me against my will. I cannot end up in hospital again. Some people may think that me cutting so deep then going for stitches is me trying to get noticed, or attention, or help. It isn't it is just me trying to minimize the worrying I have to until it heals. I do not have to worry about bleeding through bandaids or popping steri-strips or not having enough money to buy bandages, or when it heals having a gaping scar that is going to make me more self conscious than a skinnier, one that may be less noticeable. I am trying as hard as I can to not need to go get stitches again until this one is at least healed. I do not even trust myself to take out my blade so I have been using pins. It is so not helping. I don't know how much longer I can go.
I would disappoint everyone if I ended up back in the hospital. But hostly I see myself either arts ting suicide eventually or being convinced to go into hospital. I do not expect to make it to 30 and honestly I don't want to. Not if this is going to be my life.
I am starting to get the ideas about distancing myself from the people that love me so they won't be so hurt when I finally end my pathetic excuse for an existence. That is usually a pretty clear sign I am about five feet from the bottom. I am having suicide fantasies at random points through out the day. Soon they will be constant.
I am trying to hold on but I am losing hope. I am feeling stuck. I do not want to die if I can truly have a better life. But I cannot live this way for much longer. I am tired of holding on and living for everyone else. I have not been living for me for years. I have no hopes for myself, no dreams, no ambitions. I don't even know how to start coming up with those because I do not expect my self to live that long or if I do I certainly won't be in the headspace to accomplish much of anything. I don't worry about growing old or retirement or savings or things like that because I won't get there.
Sorry to anyone who reads this, if anyone reads this. I am just I whiny little bitch who needs to suck it up and deal.
I don't have much advice to give you, but I wanted to say you don't need to "suck it up and deal with it", and you are definitely not a bitch. I think you are a very strong person and I'm sorry life is so hard for you right now. It's good that you are trying your best not to cut too much, and that you are eating. And I don't think it's bad that you allowed yourself to eat and have fun on Thursday. You deserve to be happy and I'm glad you were able to have fun.
I'm sorry if I don't really have anything helpful to say... Please stay safe and you can PM me anytime if you need to talk.
Take care of yourself. *hugs*
I'd fly away to a higher place
to say words I resist, to float away, to sigh, to breathe... forget~
thank you for replying Reki, and everyone for he hugs.
I really appreciate your response Reki. I feel like i am in desperate need to say all this stuff and have someone listen but I cannot tell it all to the people I know. I am scared to tell it to my pdoc or counsellor. they know most just not the self injury getting worse or the suicidal ideation getting worse.
it is use extremely comforting to know someone listened and cared. thank you.
Hey, I am so sorry things are so bad right now. I really think you should speak to your pdoc or counsellor - they're trained professionals, and it's what they're there for.
How are things going today? Make sure you get your cuts checked out if they're gaping, or won't stop bleeding.
It doesn't matter where you come from; it matters where you go.
No-one gets remembered for the things they didn't do.
We won't all be here this time next year,
so while you can take a picture of us.
We're definitely going to hell,
but we'll have all the best stories to tell.
i am talking to my pdoc and counsellor. i am being completely honest with them. when my cuts need stitches i always go and get them. i am just afraid that if i end up there too often in a short period of time they will admit me against my will.
today sucked. everyday seems to get worse. for about a week and a half now on my breaks i cry in my car. and now since sunday when i get home i cry before i go in the house. tonight i also cried in the shower. things are getting really bad.
it has been 9 days since i cut badly and the stitches need to come out but the wound is not really healed yet. soooo many urges. i am not entirely sure i am even going to fight them. i don't know what the point in fighting is anymore.
I always take my own out. ended up being triggered by it though and having to go to the er for more o the other arm.
i was very honest with her. don't feel any better at all. everything is pointless. just holding on cause i cannot hurt the ones who love me though i don't know why they do or how they could.
Sorry to interject here - but I hurt for you. I hope with real sincerity you can find that one thing that makes things just a tinge bit brighter so that you can get through this.
It sounds like right now you're obsessing over too many negative things. If you could work at least one little positive in there I think that might help.
right now i cannot. i just don't care. i get through the day and pretend to be as ok as i can. that is all. i am able to do.
i am so emotionally numb right now, i feel dazed or removed from myself. it is a nice break no crying tonight hopefully.
i was wrong i am crying again. i am so fucking tired of crying.
i asked my pdoc to renew my plan g coverage (to gt my psych meds covered) and i have never had to sign anything before, but now he wants me to sign something. i am scared that he got a report saying i was in again for stitches last night since he works out of the out patient at the same hospital. stupid smaller towns with only one hospital. i am really nervous. i just saw him 2 days ago. hopefully it really is just something for me to sign and i can just do it at reception.
i feel drugged but i am not. kinda fuzzy and numbish. have felt this way all night.
i think my counsellor wants to get rid ofme too. and she is lying to me to make me feel like i have legitimate issues.
i am hurting the people closest to me because i am like this. i am like a poison. i am evil and should never have dragged them in. i should just move out and start distancing myself from everyone who cares so eventually when i cannot hold on any longer they won't be as upset although why they would be upset is beyond me.
Hey, I'm sorry you ended up at the ER again. It doesn't sound like your pdoc and counsellor are being helpful enough if you keep needing stitches. Are you on any medication?
Does your pdoc have a plan, ie. to help things get better or if things get worse?
It doesn't matter where you come from; it matters where you go.
No-one gets remembered for the things they didn't do.
We won't all be here this time next year,
so while you can take a picture of us.
We're definitely going to hell,
but we'll have all the best stories to tell.
i don't think he does except hospital cause he keeps mentioning it as an option. i don't see him for two weeks anyway though. the meds i am on are not working.
i tried to call my psychiatrist today to ask him what else i can do and how the referral to mental health is going but he did not call me back. just go theme from getting stitches again. i am so pathetic.
no. i can handle this at home right now. i know my limits and when i can no longer keep myself safe.
today is ok. i gave my mind a little vacation from thinking by playing games and cards with my mom, her partner, and her partners two sisters. i go back to work tomorrow though so we will see how long the ok feeling lasts. it was good to laugh thou if only for one night.
