Why is it that you're so sure being in a relationship will make things so much better? All I have found in mine is that it's made all of this ten times worse. It's made things harder.
Because I KNOW it will. I realize it may create a whole new set of problems but I'm prepared to deal with that and would welcome it for a change. Let me put it this way, I'd rather eat food that doesn't taste good than starve to death. I have a whole thread on this in the GSA section. It really is the root of my problems. I've already decided to take my life after this year if I go through all of 2012 single. At this point, there is no talking me out of it. Obviously, if something amazing happens on a completely non-related matter I will reevaluate my situation.
I should probably mention that I am starting counseling very soon. I just need to find the right person to see. Right now it's really adding to my anxiety because I've had nothing but bad experiences with therapists in the past.
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken
I'm thinking horrible things. I want to od before my appt. Picturing it. Want to go buy the alcohol. My plan is to go for a run and go buy it. I can do that. I'm so stupid. Tell me again it won't make them take me seriously.
Rachel - It doesn't make them take you seriously - I did it and it didn't change anything. What changed things was talking to them. Telling them how bad it'd got. That's what finally made them listen. You're not stupid.
Captain B2 - It can be hard to carry on with therapy when all you've had is bad experiences...but you can find the right person - the right therapist or counsellor to see how to help you. It took me a few tries but I'm still going. You say you'd prefer to eat food that tastes bad than starve...I always felt that way towards being with someone...but when if the food you had available wasn't giving you the nourishment you need? What if it didn't change things? What then? You need to find a reason to keep fighting for you...but it's only you who can do that.
Sorry. I'm low on words and really struggling. I wish I could help you both more.
I'm feeling really suicidal, the worst I've ever felt and I've got uni exams next week and I don't know anything as I didn't go to the lectures because I was feeling so awful and haven't been able to do any substantial revision. If I don't do them I will probably have to repeat the year at uni and lose the placement I have just been offered (which is one of the best ones) l feel like it is literally a life or death situation :(
Birdy - I also dropped out of Uni [two weeks into my third year]; like Rachel said life is still worth living and if you do need to take time out at all it would mean you're able to concentrate on getting yourself feeling better then return at a better time.
Rachel - Don't push yourself too hard, okay. Exercise is good but in moderation <3
Captain B2 - It can be hard to carry on with therapy when all you've had is bad experiences...but you can find the right person - the right therapist or counsellor to see how to help you. It took me a few tries but I'm still going. You say you'd prefer to eat food that tastes bad than starve...I always felt that way towards being with someone...but when if the food you had available wasn't giving you the nourishment you need? What if it didn't change things? What then? You need to find a reason to keep fighting for you...but it's only you who can do that.
Sorry. I'm low on words and really struggling. I wish I could help you both more.
x Katie x
If nothing else, a relationship would give me a much needed confidence boost. It would at least help me feel functional and know that I am capable of being with someone and capable of being loved. Plus, it would seriously motivate me. It may be going a bit far but at this point I honestly feel like I NEED a relationship.
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken
WideWindow - It's good to hear from you. Sometimes things have to get worse to get better. I was told nine years ago that it would get better, and you know what? This year has been my lowest but things are finally starting to get better. You can't give this kind of thing a time limit. I'm not saying it'd take that long for you; but it does take time. It always does but the things worth having are worth fighting for; and that includes a happy life.
CaptainB2 - Okay, I can understand that it would boost your confidence - but it is not essential that a relationship do that; there are plenty of things that can do that - friendships, support groups, therapy, realising a talent you didn't see before. I used to have no confidence at all - I once went a week without talking to people at school because I was terrified about how they viewed me. Do you know what stopped me from being like that? One of my teachers made me realise that I had talent...and as soon as I embraced it; I no longer over analysed what people thought of me or how they viewed me. I might not have the most confidence ever...but I'm in a relationship so what does that tell you? It didn't make any difference to me. In fact; the recent issues with my boyfriend have dented my confidence and I have to find it again. At the end of the day things like that can't hang around someone else's neck; because if they let you down you have nothing left. It needs to be more than that. Or at least; that's what I believe.
Captain. What happens if the relationship ends? You will be devastated and will want to kill yourself worse than youdid at the beginning. I'm worried about you. Please listen to Katie's advice. It's good.
I ran, and I blasted music and punched my fists and hit myself. :(
I've been revved up for weeks now. Listening to fast and heavy music and driving too fast. But I'm dissociated from my life. Fuck
Captain. What happens if the relationship ends? You will be devastated and will want to kill yourself worse than youdid at the beginning. I'm worried about you. Please listen to Katie's advice. It's good.
It's not just the relationship thing that has me so upset. Yes that is a huge part of it. It is just a shining example of why I honestly feel like I cannot function in this world. Overall, I just feel like a completely inadequate person.
and please don't worry too much about me. I really don't want to upset you. Nothing bad will happen to me, at least not for another 11 + months.
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken
Rachel - I hope it helped you...but I hope you realise this is what leads up to a crisis point - when we get reckless. I see it in myself in my past behaviour - driving unsafely, not looking both ways crossing the road, going for walks at night...all of it <3
CaptainB2 - I'm sorry you feel that way. In a way, I'm glad you've got that time frame because it means you've given change a chance...to prove it gets better. We will worry about you; you're a part of this community and that's what we do - try to help and we all care <3
Rachel - It's not a terrible statement. It's an honest statement and that's good. Don't shut up darling. Talk here, or PM me. I want to help...if I can <3
x Katie x
