I watched my video diaries. My one entry from November 3rd. It was back when I was first realizing I was gay. And it's so heartbreaking to see a teenage girl sitting there afraid of being gay because of how she'll be treated. I looked devastated. I even distinctly said "I'd rather tell people that I'm a cutter than tell people that I'm gay." I was crying. I was afraid. I was panicked. All because I was realizing that I might be gay. That's sad. I almost cut over it, and I was scratching my palm all day.
I've written in my journals quite a couple times on how I should just marry a guy so I'm not hated for who I am. Why...? I'm crying right now, just knowing how I was feeling then. Why is the world so cruel, to make a teenage girl think she has to fake love in order to be accepted?
The best part was two days ago when my homophobic friend told me love is a choice. And he believes in the real love, and not the "I like you let's have sex" love. :l Apparently I can choose who to love now. I wish. Then maybe I could marry a guy, and not deal with hate, or discrimination.
See. Even now I still wish I was straight, because I'm so afraid of being who I am...
In my video, all I kept repeating was "I'm still me..." And I am still me... So why am I so afraid to be me? Why will I be bullied and hated for being me?
I love who I love... Won't anybody understand that? I'm just not attracted to guys. I cannot help it. Maybe I just shouldn't love anybody, like I told my best friend I was going to do. Live alone forever. Never fall in love...
I'm broken again...
(I'm sorry. I needed to rant, really badly. And, I need support, please. Because it hurts. Really bad.)
"And I don't want the world to see me,
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand.
When everything's meant to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am..." Iris-Goo Goo Dolls
I'm not gay so I can't exactly say 'I know how you feel'. However as a person who has always been 'weird' and 'different' and has been bullied a lot, I do understand to some extent.
There is nothing wrong with the way you are.
No matter who you are or what you do, there is always going to be somebody who disagrees with your lifestyle. THEIR loss. You are not just your sexuality, and if people can't see past that, then who needs them? To quote one of my favorite (albeit imaginary) gay men, Albus Dumbledore: "If you're holding out for universal popularity, I'm afraid you will be in this cabin for a very long time."
There comes a point in your life where you have to stop caring what other people think and just be happy with YOURSELF. Don't ever let ignorant people hold you back. Get out there and be who you want to be and love who you want to love. Make your life how YOU want it.
Anyway, that was long. I hope you're feeling better and shoot me a PM if you still need to rant about it :)
People will understand that, I promise you darling. I don't know how old you are now but believe me as you move through life you'll find you will gravitate to the open minded who love you just as you are. I'm not saying you won't encounter homophobia. To be honest you probably will. But what you need to know is that there is an army of people, straight and gay behind you.
I thought this might help, the below videos are part of a worldwide project called 'it get's better'. Because it does. One of them is from my university (try and spot me ;-p)
[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=geyAFbSDPVk"]President Obama: It Gets Better - YouTube[/ame]
[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X1P3dDQqQkU"]UCLan SU LGBT It Gets Better - YouTube[/ame]
[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W6yYoi41OMg"]It Gets Better - Princeton University - YouTube[/ame]
These are just a few of the many many it gets better videos.
'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'
['There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']
'We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell. Oscar Wilde
Its hard to dance with the devil on your back. Sydney Carter
To quote one of my favorite (albeit imaginary) gay men, Albus Dumbledore: "If you're holding out for universal popularity, I'm afraid you will be in this cabin for a very long time."
I think I'm in love with you ;-p
'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'
['There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']
'We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell. Oscar Wilde
Its hard to dance with the devil on your back. Sydney Carter
One of my favourite quotes is from Dr. Seuss: “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.”
There is no need to feel ashamed of who you are and who you love. Like you said, there is nothing you can do about it anyway! It can take time to learn to accept yourself but I'm sure you will. You're certainly not alone.
There are, it has been said, two types of people in the world. There are those who, when presented with a glass that is exactly half full, say: 'This glass is half full'. And then there are those who say: 'This glass is half empty'.
The world belongs, however, to those who can look at the glass and say: 'What's up with this glass? Excuse me? Excuse me? This is my glass? I don't think so. My glass was full! And it was a bigger glass!
I completely understand how you feel, though I have a much more extreme reaction to being gay than "I'd rather tell people I'm a cutter than that I'm gay". You're really fortunate...even though it feels very badly...at least you've still got a shot.
I'm not sure I have a lot of good advice, except to say that I'm in your shoes...but we are who we are, there's no use trying to change it. If we hold to the truth of ourselves, then in time the world will catch up with us. There will always be people who are too stupid to accept us, but there will also be people who support us. Don't listen to the haters--they're stupid anyway. They're missing out on knowing a lot of great people who happen to be gay--it's their loss. :)
"And I don't want the world to see me,
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand.
When everything's meant to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am..." Iris-Goo Goo Dolls
