*hugs Rachel*
Sorry you're having an awful night. What's going on honey?
It's out of my hands and I can feel the anger pulsing in my brain. It doesn't make any sense but I don't know the rules and I'm too afraid to ask. It's all in my head though, right? It's all not really here.
It doesn't make any sense...it's all their plan, not mine. I'm just following it. I've moved the date back and I can feel they're angry about it. It's just me though, right? I don't know. My head's a mess.
im confused but ive not beeen up with anything but... i do know youre not messed up and its ok to feel angry, if thats what youre feeling. Im sure from what i do know, youre not likin things and that's ok. but do try to stay safe love. i love you
These kicks take me far away my dear; Far away from myself Far away from my troubles
Far away from heaven
Katie... I think I understand. It's ok sweetie. Yeah you need to tell someone. Like Roli told me, it could be your brain is just being a little "fuggy" right now. Please be safe and take care of you.
I hate myself, I've been lying so much, it sickens me. I just want to die, but I'm too much of a fucked up coward to do anything. I just want to forget it all.
But these are flowers that fly and all but sing: And now from having ridden out desire They lie closed over in the wind and cling Where wheels have freshly sliced the April mire. Robert Frost, "Blue-Butterfly Day"
Katie- Hello darling. Sorry I wasn't around last night. When are you seeing your CPN sweetie? I have done you a very long reply sweetie- dont feel you have to read it lol. Huggles xx
The following content has been hidden - Reason : Its very long!
I know exactly what you mean honey. I will use my own experiences just because I think it might help- if there nothing like this. please ignore me.
I too have this feeling that my decisions are 'out of my hands', that its not MY plan and I too have struggled with not knowing the rules. For me- there were lots of rules that slowly emerged the deeper I got into the thing I was planning. For me- this 'thing' that plans, plans everything. It plans my more serious self harm, suicide attempts and plans. That was why after my OD I was adamant that it wasn't me, I hadn't chosen to do it etc. (No one really understood until very recently).
The thoughts sweetie- do they come into your head without you 'thinking' them. I know this might make little sense- but it might. I have thoughts that I am adamant I didn't think. They are just there. I do not consciously think them. (as you would do maybe a conscious decision to SH to relieve stress or punish etc.) This is when I feel like I can't control them. Does this happen to you?
Do you hear actual, audible voices darling or is it just very strong, loud thoughts?
I too have got the whole 'anger' impression too. Its quite a normal reaction if you take it out of context, but a dangerous one in these circumstances. Normally- to be angry that someone isn't doing things right/ has done things wrong/ has changed something they shouldn't- this would all be logical and understandable. However sweetie- in this case, it is the thoughts appearing angry that your not planning your own suicide correctly. I have gotten this too, so please believe me, I'm not judging. But it is a dangerous cycle to get into.
Really worth talking to your CPN about honey. Because when you start to focus too much on all of these thoughts and plans, you start to loose your grip of reality and you start to believe that this is the only way out. Its not.
I just wanted to say honey, it is possible to reclaim your thoughts so they are YOUR decisions. It does take a lot of work hun and DBT skills could help with this. You NEED to remember that YOU don't have to act on these thoughts- but believe me I know its hard when it all feels inevitable.
I'm here for you sweetie- sometimes it helps me just to get out what the thoughts are telling me to do. Here if you ever want to talk about anything hun. xxxx
Rachel- So sorry you had a bad night honey. Why was it so bad? How are you today? HUge Hugs xx
DriftedAway- hey hun. How are you doing?
ebec11- I'm really sorry your struggling so much right now. Do you know why you feel so bad hun? Here for you xx
Here's the day you hoped would never come,
Don't feed me violins, just run with me
through rows of speeding cars.
21 on the run, on the run, on the run
From myself, from myself and everyone
I better leave the light on
The darkness, The sweetness, The sadness, The weakness,
O, I need this
Hi, I'm Roli Take Care, Stay Safe, Shout if you need anything
Nightmare this morning. Woken up with phonecall at 4am. Two very abusive people coming back into our lives. I can't take any more stress. And now I'm also freaking out about something I told my psych on Monday. I'm afraid he's going to call the authorities on me. And I can't even ask him about it. I'm dying here.
Mum24- Darling, I am so sorry your struggling at the moment. I'm sorry you had that horrible phone call. Does your husband know about it?
Your psych wont call the authorities hun- it has to be a very very serious protection issue for them to do that. Why can't you ask him about it? Do you think you could talk about it further?
Hugs tight xx
Here's the day you hoped would never come,
Don't feed me violins, just run with me
through rows of speeding cars.
21 on the run, on the run, on the run
From myself, from myself and everyone
I better leave the light on
The darkness, The sweetness, The sadness, The weakness,
O, I need this
Hi, I'm Roli Take Care, Stay Safe, Shout if you need anything
My head is so far up my arse that I just don't know anything anymore. The only thing I am sure of is that I can't carry on like this and I want to sleep and never wake up
Sending support for Katie on her thread. Love u Katie
Hugs Bluerev. I hope you are ok. I mean I know you are not ok. Can you talk to anyone about it? Does anyone know? Please don't try to cope alone.
Yeah Roli, my husband knows about the phonecall. Other crap went down today too. I feel about two feet tall. I have no respect left no dignity no pride. I feel awful. I don't care if everyone hates me any more. No one understands so I don't care. I will be alone forever. Fine. I'm fine! I want to scream!
Mum24- quick reply re Katie. I'm not sure whats happening with her now. But Whispers In The Dark posted this on her thread...
Update: She got drunk and took a bunch of pills & Sh'd
I called the police and she's on her way to hopsital with them now.
Hugs to all. Will reply properly later xx
Here's the day you hoped would never come,
Don't feed me violins, just run with me
through rows of speeding cars.
21 on the run, on the run, on the run
From myself, from myself and everyone
I better leave the light on
The darkness, The sweetness, The sadness, The weakness,
O, I need this
Hi, I'm Roli Take Care, Stay Safe, Shout if you need anything
I'm going to a hospital/centre tomorrow. I need some help. Can't function. Can't think... its all wrong. No one cares. I know that's not true. I'm hurting so bad. Might end up there tonight.
Take Care, Stay Safe, Shout if you need anything
