Am I gay, or not?

[rkjay]

I've had an ongoing confusion for a while now about my sexuality. And at this point, I am 99.9% sure that I'm at least bi. The thing is, I cannot tell if I like guys or not. Because, I can completely appreciate a guy's looks. And there are certian things about guys I love(example being the V shape with a guys pelvis) but, y'know, once you get under the belt, I just don't feel anything like I feel for a girl. It actually disgusts me. With a girl, I love everything about them, and always find them beautiful. But with a guy, it's not always the case. And I just don't know what that means...

I'd appreciate any and all opinions, since this is an issue that has been botherin me for a while now, and I would highly appreciate anything that could help me come even close to figuring it out. Whether it be a personL story, or just an opinion. :)

[sherlock holmes]

Don't be so quick to label yourself, it doesn't matter if you think you're bi or gay or anything- you'll know when you meet someone you're attracted to and it will feel right, no matter what that person's gender. You don't have to have it all worked out!

[anabelleagain]

First off, big hug and pat on the back for how far you have come on the sexuality discovery journey so far. Take a minute to give yourself credit.

Sexuality, specifically the confusion, frustration, and pain that can come with it, can be a huge trigger, at least for some. Keep that in mind when it starts to bother you-- most of us "not positive we're heterosexual" find the uncertainty painful and unsettling.

My answer, and mind you this is after years of therapy and even meds, was to accept the ambiguity. Who cares if you're gay or not? Most importantly, why do you have to be gay or not? Sexuality is a spectrum (look up the Kinsey scale.) You can be gay with your eyes and more heterosexual "below the belt". You don't have to color yourself into specifics-- let your sexuality be what it is, when it is, for who it is. And don't worry so much about figuring it out, because the answer to figuring it out is figuring it out. Get it? Let go of the need for identifying, and the identity will find you when you're ready for one that fits.

Feel free to PM me if you ever want to talk more. Don't forget to give yourself credit for where you're at, and give yourself the space for what's to come.

[chesterlily88]

I feel somewhat similarly. However, I've found the only physical things I like about guys are usually more "effeminate" things...if that makes sense (like long eyelashes or something). I'm more likely to become emotionally attracted to one and just have to accept that they're male. Granted, the farthest I've ever gone with a guy is kissing and I wasn't all that impressed by it (it's the whole facial hair thing...even if they shave). So I'm as confused as you as I've had nothing to do with anybody willingly since then (more than 7 years ago). It's also worse that no matter how much I want to be able to be gay, I have to just be with guys. I have to be straight. I'm sorry, but I have to disagree with other people here (please don't flame me, it's not personal) saying just let your sexuality be whatever it is. Unless you have nothing to lose, I suppose. I personally do, but that's just me.

This is interesting, I would be curious to see if girls like us can only be with guys and be happy. Until I have absolutely nothing to lose, I don't see any other way.

[Buttons.]

No one can tell you whether you are gay/bi/whatever, that is something you need to discover for yourself, and that can take time. As previously said please don't try and label yourself just now, just explore the relationships you want to explore and find your own way there, it's nobody else's business, and the labels only really help them not you. I mean I am a lesbian through and through but I have experimented with guys because I felt I needed to do that for my own sense of knowing. Some other people judged me on that true, but that doesn't matter, I know that I'm gay, I feel gay and I'm probably never going to feel any different and that's just fine, and that's all that matters.

So yes be patient with yourself, you have your whole life to figure this out :)

[rkjay]

I just don't feel comfortable being with people if there's a chance that i might swing the other way. I don't want to hurt somebody like that, by being with them, and then realising that I'm gay, or straight.

[chesterlily88]

You could be very upfront about it so there are no surprises. Or you could just date casually (and be up front about not wanting a serious relationship at the moment) if that's something that would for you.

P.S. I have asimilar dilemma, but I just don't date. Even if I wanted to, there are no opportunities.

[Buttons.]

^ This. When I've experimented I've made it very clear that that is what I am doing.

[anabelleagain]

One way of finding out if you're gay or straight is experience gay and straight... you can't do that without involving yourself with people. And you're not guaranteed anyone you date or sleep with is not going to decide they orient differently. What's the difference between breaking up with someone because of a personality clash as opposed to a sexuality clash? Plus, knowing your orientation does not mean you're sexually compatible.

[Isoverity]

Male failing is characterized by lust. Female failing is characterized by judgement. Men are generally too sexual - tilting toward lust. Women tend to resent the male's lust sexuality - and his "package". Indeed, men generally like porn while women like romance conquest novels. For men orgasm is physical while for women it is more mental. Women are not as physically drawn to sex as men so your resistance to procreational sex is probably normal - even if your resentment of it is not (if you weren't sexually abused you probs resent your dad - with help from mum). I do not believe in experimenting with sex anymore than I believe in experimenting with drugs. Modern media culture intentionally seeks to confuse kids about sexuality. You aren't gay and I don't believe bisexual really exists. Its become chic for girls to think they are bi. Girls bond different from men, and because they like bonding with girlfriends they think they are bi when they are just regular. I've seen a million girls here who thought they were bi. The they meet a guy they actually like and the issue goes away.

Straight, Gay or Lying? Bisexuality Revisited
http://www.nytimes.com/2005/07/05/he...pagewanted=all

[Buttons.]

Jack I have to say, I've been angry with you before, but rarely this angry. This reply was insulting and demeaning not only to the original poster but to the entire LGBT community.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Isoverity

Male failing is characterized by lust. Female failing is characterized by judgement. Men are generally too sexual - tilting toward lust. Women tend to resent the male's lust sexuality - and his "package". Indeed, men generally like porn while women like romance conquest novels. For men orgasm is physical while for women it is more mental.

Okay to start off. What a generalisation. Everyone is individual and failures are due to their individual problems (I'm not talking MH here, just in general no one is perfect). I've known females have a high sex drive and males not and visa versa, I've known highly judgemental males and none-judgemental females. Also you're actually incorrect about the orgasm thing, a woman is incapable of thought at the point of orgasm, if she is actually orgasming. If she's able to think 'oh this is nice maybe I'm coming', she's not.

Quote:

Women are not as physically drawn to sex as men so your resistance to procreational sex is probably normal - even if your resentment of it is not (if you weren't sexually abused you probs resent your dad - with help from mum).

Some women are. Especially since we've become less repressed by a patriarchal society. Sex is becoming a more acceptable topic for women. So we're exploring it. And some men don't like this because it's yet one more area where they are having to relinquish their patriarchal sense of superiority and control. And before you say it, I am not an extreme feminist, I'm usually nothing of the sort, but as you expressed outdated patriarchal ideologies thought I might as well parry it as best I could. I hope no one reduces themselves to calling this part of my post a 'feminist rant', it's an opinion that contains the word patriarchy, that is all.

Quote:

I do not believe in experimenting with sex anymore than I believe in experimenting with drugs. Modern media culture intentionally seeks to confuse kids about sexuality.

Why don't you believe in experimenting sexually out of interest? (I'm talking consensual and above the age of the consent here). How does the media seek to confuse kids about sexuality? By daring to say 'actually kids you aren't the devil's child if you happen to be gay bi or trans.' And also there is still a fair amount of homophobia inherent in some areas of the media so don't really see how they are promoting 'confusion'.

Quote:

Its become chic for girls to think they are bi. Girls bond different from men, and because they like bonding with girlfriends they think they are bi when they are just regular. I've seen a million girls here who thought they were bi. The they meet a guy they actually like and the issue goes away.

I agree with you that being bi has become something of a 'fashion statement' however that does not mean that real bisexuals do not exist. They do. I've been out with a few, and believe me they are 100% not straight. Also how do you explain the bisexual girls who land up in a long term relationship/civil partnered with a woman, not a man. They don't 'meet a guy...and the issue goes away'. Now that is offensive. Very. Having a sexuality that deviates from the straight 'norm' is not an issue which needs to be made to go away. What an incredibly ignorant and hurtful thing to say.

Quote:

You aren't gay and I don't believe bisexual really exists

How dare you make that sort of judgement about someone else, better yet, someone you have never met and have just read something online and assumed. I don't know what the OP's sexuality is. I haven't met them. I am not inside of their head. But neither do you. And also just because you personally for some bizarre reason don't believe bisexuality exists, doesn't mean that you have the right to criticise those who do.

Now my apologies to the OP because of the slight derailing of their support thread. If this argument continues I'll make a thread in news and debate to have it away from your support area.

[Isoverity]

"How does the media seek to confuse kids about sexuality?"

By telling them they have to decide what they are. Large studies in several countries show around 98-99% of people are not homosexual. The idea every teen has to discover what they are preposterous. Bisexual, pansexual, gender queer etc its all overcooked and confuses kids when they don't need to be. There are elements in society that want kids confused about just about everything.

"Since we've become less repressed by a patriarchal society. Sex is becoming a more acceptable topic for women"

The way I see it is just that men and women both are degenerating. Real love is very rare these days. What we have is sex/lust promoted as love. Everybody wants to be "hot" and plunder each other. This is why there is so much divorce. Its hard to find anybody half decent these days male or female.

"I agree with you that being bi has become something of a 'fashion statement' however that does not mean that real bisexuals do not exist. They do. I've been out with a few, and believe me they are 100% not straight. Also how do you explain the bisexual girls who land up in a long term relationship/civil partnered with a woman, not a man. They don't 'meet a guy...and the issue goes away"

Oh I've seen so many posts here from girls (its almost always girls) who thought (often hoped) they were bisexual and then realized they weren't at all that I can't even fathom the number. Around 2004 it seemed like 1 of every 3 new girls joing was calling herself "bisexual" in introductions.

Now sexuality can be diverted. People can be aroused by being urinated and defacted on. Just because "it turns them on" doesn't mean its some noble and higher form of being stimulated. Many women ssuffer from being abused. In that case they can be repelled by men if abuse was from a male. Indeed, many peer reviewed, respectable studies show homosexual were abused growing up at rates of 35 - 40%.


Maybe being bisexual is more akin to multiple personality disorder and not some shiny fad thing

"How dare you make that sort of judgement about someone else, better yet, someone you have never met and have just read something online and assumed."

Sorry - poster said she likes guys - just doesn't like "below the belt" - saying it "disgusts" her. On one hand its normal for a young girl not to be interested in getting penetrated sexually in casual way. Ideally that comes latter with a person they actually love and aren't just diddling around. The "disgust" part is probaly a clue something else is going on.

In any case, studies show people aren't as bisexual as they claim to be. People may well have sex with men, women and lord knows what else but that doen't mean its good any more than having multiple personality disorder would be good. Somehow gender and sexual dysphoria has been moved past the debate stage and everyone is supposed to cheer it all as if better than normal (which we get told doesn't exist anyway).

Here's a screen cap of a post from another forum I made years ago. This person was a good example of how kids are being tortured into artificial confusion just based on slogans.

[Buttons.]

I'm not even going to bother arguing with you any more. Some people will never see the truth. Can't believe it's 2011 and these beliefs are still knocking around. I will just say to the OP and anyone else affected by these sort of issues, being gay or bi or whatever, and also being confused and exploring that confusion to find the answer=not wrong. There is nothing wrong with you. You just differ from the norm. All the best people do ;-p

[rkjay]

It's okay Buttons, one of my best friends is a homophobe. I'm completely used to it. He compared my questioning of my sexuality to doing drugs or drinking. Therefore, I am completely unaffected by any of what Iso was just saying. :)

[happywondering]

rkjay, it may be the case that people feel the need to fit into categories , be is straight, gay or bi, however you shouldn't feel the need to put yourself into one of these categories. It may take some time but eventually you will manage to figure out what want, what you like and what you don't. As people before have said, experimenting can help, but don't feel pressured into doing it just because you feel that is the only way you will realise what you like.

In my case, it took me ages to realise I was gay, and damn well fighting that fact for so long. It was normal to be straight, and contradictory to what Jack has said, the media actually played on me wanting to continue believing I was straight (not the only contributing factor however). But eventually I figured it out... but either way, it doesn't matter what you are, as long as you are happy.

Also, as a reply to you Jack, I used to think you were actually pretty intelligent, sometimes it is a shame to find out someone is so narrow minded. If you don't like gay people, fine, but it isn't appropriate to splurge your opinions across on this thread when someone was looking for advice, not to be told that being 'bi' is wrong (just simply summing up your ramblings there).

[Danceintherain804]

Mkay...

Rkjay: I think you won't really know about your sexuality until you have a serious relationship with a guy or a girl, but you don't really need to know right now. If you find girls beautiful and attractive that doesn't even necessarily mean you're even bi. I think all girls think of other girls as beautiful. I you have a lust to have sex with other women then that's more of an indicator but even then you might not be. Just because you've thought about something doesn't necessarily make it so, I think you'll have to live it out and see where things take you before you can know, but until then I wouldn't worry about it too much, you know? <3

And to reiterate what annabelleagain said, it is a scale, people are attracted to other people, some more to the same gender some more to the opposite gender, most people are attracted at least on a very minor level to both. So, I don't think you have to call yourself gay/bi/lesbian. You just like who you like and that's that, don't worry too much about labels :)

Chesterlily: I really understand where you're coming from, because it's always going to be easier for girls to be with guys and guys to be with girls. That's what's universally accepted so that's always going to be the easiest. And there are always people that will hate on homosexual relationships, so even if you're having homosexual feelings, it's so much easier to keep them to yourself. That's part of why I feel like it's easier not to give yourself a label. Because then you don't have to tell people "hey I'm bi" you an be in a relationship with a boy, and like a girl but if you don't feel able to tell the world, you don't have to.

And rkjay: as other people have said, as far as dating goes, keep it casual unless you're sure about what you want which is something you should do even if you're completely straight. It's always good to be cautious in dating of people's feelings regardless of the whole sexuality issue. :)

Buttons: I honestly think you're slightly overreacting to Isoverity's post. He has his opinions and they're different than yours, but I don't think he meant to insult the entire LGBT community. What he stated about males and females were merely stereotypes which are widely regarded in society to be true, and yes it could have been worded better, but they were in fact just generalizations. Statistically men are more interested in sex than women, and everything Isoverity said in that paragraph is statistically true. Even though it's not true of every man and woman it is true as a generalization.

What Isoverity said about not experimenting with sex is a moral he has and it should be respected. It's a moral that many people have and it's not a diss on people who do experiment sexually, it's just a way some people choose to live.

I also see what Isoverity was saying about the media seeking to confuse kids about sexuality, even though I don't necessarily think that's the case. Lately, there have been more celebrities coming out as bi/gay and more shows/movies with themes about sexuality which leads to more thoughts in society about sexuality. But I don't think the media is SEEKING to confuse kids, but I do think that youth being confused is a product of the media, whether that's a good thing or not.

I do agree with Buttons that bisexuality does exist, even if it's not true in all cases. But I don't think Isoverity was intending to be rude by saying he doesn't think it is. He didn't mean that it's an "issue that has to go away" he just meant that some individuals who were bisexual as a trend would in fact meet a guy and the "issue" not meaning bad issue, just the problem (which does not always have to be connotatively bad, you just interpreted it as so) "went away" because they weren't really too bisexual to begin with. I think his words got misinterpreted as offensive when he was trying to respectfully state his opinion.

And Isoverity did not anywhere in his post criticize people who thought bisexuality was real. He just stated that he didn't. I don't think he really deserved to be attacked even if we don't necessarily agree with everything he says.

Isoverity: I do agree that some girls pretend to be bisexual as a trend, but I do know that some people (including myself) legitimately struggle with the issue because they have continuous lustful thoughts about people of the same gender but it terrifies them and they would never tell anyone because they're ashamed of it. I know that it's hard to be sure that it's real when you do see so many people so fakery flaunting it, but I promise not everyone who comes out as bisexual is just trying to be trendy.

But as far as that post you provided as an example, I don't think she was trying to be trendy. I think she really did have an issue she was struggling with. She didn't know what was wrong with her, and she was struggling because she felt like there was something about her that wasnt right. I know some people fake, but I don't think she was one of those.

Happy wondering: again, I do believe that most of what jack said was misinterpreted. He didn't say he disliked gay people, he just said he didn't think the OP is gay and he doesn't think bisexuality is a thing, and whether that's true or not, it's his opinion and I don't believe he said it rudely.

But anyway, OP, I do think you can't really be sure at this point, you know? I'm going through something similar right now, and honestly we can't figure it out until we have some more experience in relationships. I think it's ok if you are and it's ok if you're not. Try not to worry about it excessively right now and see where your life goes :) PM if you need anything :) <3

[Buttons.]

^ I will come back to this when more sane. But just wanted to say that giving my opinions on Jack's comments isn't 'attacking' him. Just arguing against his points. I will come back to this once to dispute your claims but beyond that I'm leaving it because I'm sick to death of this. Also just to point out you cannot say 'what Isoverity means', a) only Jack can know that and b) so far as I know (correct me if I'm wrong) you aren't so much bosom pals that you can speak for him about what he believes. To do so is just as 'judgemental' as you seem to think I'm being just in a different way.

[Bellatrix]

I honestly don't know what to say to Jack's comments.

[Isoverity]

Quote:

Originally Posted by happywondering

Also, as a reply to you Jack, I used to think you were actually pretty intelligent, sometimes it is a shame to find out someone is so narrow minded. If you don't like gay people, fine, but it isn't appropriate to splurge your opinions across on this thread when someone was looking for advice, not to be told that being 'bi' is wrong (just simply summing up your ramblings there).

"Liking" gay people has nothing to do with anything. I don't like or dislike anyone based on one thing. I have a lot of friends here who call themselves gay. I don't automatically accept or reject anyone based on that. I like a lot of people who SI. Does that mean I have to think SI is good and not offend anyone?

The OP did ask for ALL opinions ( "I'd appreciate any and all opinions") - so I gave mine and now people want to hate me for it while while trying to make me into the hater. This is how brainwashing works tbh

The facts are - I look at the research and it doesn't correspond twith the PC version of things. The bisexuality study was from the NY Times - the most liberal paper in the US. Facts are even a lot of homosexual groups don't like the idea sexuality isn't fixed and that people swing from one thing to another.

The gay groups also say its "homophobic" to think homosexuality is associated with being abused as kids when MANY studies show just that. Even though gender dysphoria is still a classified as a disorder anyone seeing it that way is open for abuse and bullying. Then anyone who talks about any studies gets defamed.

Here is one:

"This study of 1,001 adult homosexual and bisexual men found that 37% reported they had been encouraged or forced to have sexual contact with an older or more powerful partner before age 19. Median age at first contact was 10. Ninety-three percent of participants reporting early sexual contact were classified as sexually abused. "

http://eric.ed.gov/ERICWebPortal/cus...cno =EJ459514

Now if people want to disagree with that. They should do so just based on facts and not defamation. A former president of the American Psychological Association (Nicholas Cummings) has said

"Homophobia as intimidation is one of the the most pervasive techniques used to silence anyone who would disagree with the gay activist agenda..sadly, I have seen militant gay men and lesbians-- who I am certain do not represent all homosexuals, and who themselves have been the object of derision and oppression-- once gaining freedom and power, then becoming oppressors themselves."

[Bellatrix]

^And what about the other 63% who havne't been abused? The majority. They're, what? Faking it?

And what % of the straight population have been through the same thing? Probably the same or more.

I CBA with facts with you because you ignore them unless they suit you.