Been thinking and it hasn't been good (thinking about SI)

freakangel · 18-12-2011, 05:24 AM

I have not posted on here in a long time because things had been going good in my life and I had everything under control invaliding my SI. I have been SI free for almost four years now and recently with all the stress I have been thinking about it a lot. I even went and bought the type of blades I used to like, but I have not used them yet. I am trying not to use them but feel a comfort just knowing I have them available when I truly want to SI. I am not sure who to talk to because even though my husband knows about my SI he does not like it and would be likely to say just don't do it and nothing else. My other friends have a lot going on in their lives along with the holidays so I do not want to bother them as well. I am unsure of if I will relapse because I am trying not to, but I am fighting my urges almost daily now and I'm unsure if I van continue to hold on.

lilmissjay · 18-12-2011, 06:32 AM

First, congratulations on being four years free! If you don't mind me asking, what has been going on to make you feel so stressed? Self injury definitely is NOT worth it. All it'll do is make things harder on you. I know it is very difficult to fight the urges, but if you keep trying different distractions and talking to people then I'm sure it'll pass. I really do think you need to speak with your husband about how you've been feeling lately. He may not say the things you'd like to hear, but that doesn't change the fact that you cares about you and would like to know. You could also talk to him about the things that he could possibly do to help you through these rough times. If he doesn't know what you want or need then it might not go the way you want it to.

silent_scars11 · 18-12-2011, 06:35 AM

Hi, I'm sorry to hear you're having a hard time with your thoughts lately, I've had trouble with a lot of those myself. But you should be very proud of being nearly four whole years free - that is honestly amazing!!

Would you mind telling us what it is that's been stressing you recently? Perhaps we can help you find a way to get through it without needing to resort to SI, as I do believe that you can handle this without it. You've gone nearly four years without it, that proves how very strong you are.

I totally understand why you got the blades, but it's really not fair to yourself to make temptation so much easier by having them nearby. Would it be possible to give them to your husband or a close friend for now, so you know they're still 'around,' but you don't have immediate access to them? Another suggestion I've heard others mention is putting thick tape around them so that if you're tempted to use them, you'd have to get through the tape barrier first, and it might deter you from using them at all.

I'm sorry you feel alone in this, but it shouldn't have to be that way. I do recommend you confide in your husband or one of your close friends. Imagine if it was the other way around, and they had a problem they needed help with - wouldn't you want them to come to you instead of suffering through it alone? And in the future, you can be that friend they lean on when they're in need of someone to talk to. Just a thought, I always feel super guilty myself sharing my problems with other people, so I understand where you're coming from. But you do deserve support dear, and no one can support you if they don't know what's going on.

I can tell that you want to fight and beat this thing, and I know you have the power to do it. You might need a little extra assistance, but I believe in you. Stay strong and let us know how we can be of further help.

*Hugs* <3

freakangel · 18-12-2011, 07:36 AM

It has been a barage of things that has stressed me out. I recently got diagnosed with lupus which causes me a lot of pain. My husbands ssi payments got cut off in April and just started again with being 300 less a month. My food stamps got cut off cause I am a college student. Also the people I babysit for 6 days a week cut my pay by at least $60 a week if not more. An also my father's ihss is getting cut off at the beginning of the year so that's even more money gone. My friends seem to be going off in their own directions which I understand but it is hard loosing them. On top of that my depression is getting more severe along with my anxiety and stress. I know it is life and financial and other worries come and go but I just can't help but think that this isn't going to end cause it's just been one hardship after another since April. I do not know how my hubby would react if I gave him the razors so I do not want to do that. Maybe I'll try the taping them up thing. Thank you for the suggestions and support it means a lot knowing that I can come here and talk without being judged.

inconditus · 18-12-2011, 12:04 PM

Wow - four years without self harm is a fantastic achievement! Many of us at RYL can appreciate how difficult it is to stop and keep that up for such a long time. You've done amazingly well. I hope you're incredibly proud of yourself!

It sounds like you've got a lot of things going on in your life right now that are causing you a considerable amount of stress and it's no surprise that under these conditions those urges to self harm have returned. Staying away from self harm under these circumstances is going to be a huge test for you but I know that you can do it. I'm sure there have been times in the past four years when you've experienced stress and you need to look back on those occasions and figure out what it was you did to deal with that stress, instead of resorting to self harm, and employ those techniques now. It may not be one simple thing - you have have to arm yourself with a whole load of coping strategies - but I know that you can get through this, just as you have gotten through stressful periods before. I completely respect your decision not to confide in your husband about your urges to self harm, but I would still encourage you to speak to him about how stressed you're feeling. Even if there isn't anything that he can do to fix what's upsetting you, at least he can offer you some supportive words and a hug, and just knowing that someone is looking out for you a little more closely can be comforting. You may also want to consider seeking some counseling to help you come to terms with everything that has happened over the past couple of months.

As I'm in the UK, I don't know anything about the financial aid that might be available to you but I do understand how stressful it can be to find yourself so short of money. When you know there is no quick fix and it's going to take a while for your financial situation to improve, it is hard to look to the future and know that things will feel better. Until the financial situation does improve, you need to ensure you're managing your finances as best you can. If you haven't yet, it would be useful to organize your budget - there's a useful interactive budget planner via the Money Advice Service (see here) if you're having trouble with that. Once you know for sure how much money you have coming in and going out, at least you know exactly where your problem areas are and can work on trying to sort them out. Many people shy away from their finances, especially in times of difficulty, but dealing with the problem head-on is much better. It's helpful to plan ahead so that you're less likely to face any further unexpected difficulties, and it can make all the difference setting up direct debits for any bills you have to pay so that you don't risk falling behind in them. It's important to remember to include occasional treats in your budget as well, so that at least you have something to to look forward to.

It is difficult when friends move on but just because they are heading off in their own direction, it doesn't mean that you are going to lose them. There's no reason why you can't remain close - it just might take a little bit of extra effort on both sides, but if your friendship is worth it then that won't feel hard at all. If they're busy, or perhaps moving away, just ensure that you make time in your life to give them a ring, or go and visit now and again; it's good to keep in touch, and you cannot rely on everyone else to take that initiative all of the time. This might also be a great opportunity for you to start forging new friendships and finding new interests.

I suspect that the anxiety and stress you're feeling is closely linked with everything that's happening in your life right now and once you've started to feel more in control and secure, I'm sure the intensity will steadily reduce as well. The depression too is most likely linked to your circumstances right now, but there's a chance that this is related to the lupus you've been diagnosed with so it might be worth discussing your options with your doctor if possible. It might help to discuss the possibility of taking anti-depressants (which usually help with anxiety as well) for a little while until you start to feel more on top of things.

I'm glad that it helped to come and speak to us, and I hope that you find the support and advice you were looking for here. You're always welcome to come and speak to us about anything that's going on in your life and we will always to our best to help where we can. You're not alone - there are a lot of people struggling, especially financially, at the moment, but you can get through this. You beat self harm before and I know the strength is within you to resist these urges now. Take care.

freakangel · 18-12-2011, 08:45 PM

Thank you for the kind words, advice, and support. They make it a little easier go cope with this. I have not sought out counseling because I have no insurance and they do not offer it through the county out here in California. Mental health wise we are struggling up here, it is no longer about prevention it is about crisis management. In the past I was able to cut my wrist so bad it took 7 stitches and mental health released me saying your fine. Not that I was looking to get locked up but if somebody can attempt suicide and go home 3 hours later with no followup required the you know the system has faults. It worries me that I really have no easy outside support around here from professionals. I know I should go back on certain meds but I am unable to get them, I know I should go to therapy but am unable to afford it. I have to remember that I have come a long ways and do not want to go back no matter how tempting it may be. Distractions don't come as easy as they used to for some reason which makes it more difficult. I don't know my mind just seems to be fixated on hurting myself, maybe it is inevitable and I will relapse but I am trying hard not to because I know how it will hurt the other few people in my life besides myself.

inconditus · 18-12-2011, 09:28 PM

It's unfortunate that you don't have the treatment options you need right now, but that doesn't make this situation hopeless. You say that it is probably "inevitable" that you will relapse into self harm, but this really isn't the case. The only person with the power to determine whether this will happen is you and whilst it might be incredibly hard to resist those urges, the only one who will make that final decision to give into them is you. If you do not want to fall back into those old habits, you can resist; you have done so before, and I know that you can do so again. If you do not have professional support available to you right now then rely on the support from your friends and family; you don't necessarily need to confide in them about your self harm (although that might help), but just letting them know that you're struggling and feel under an immense amount of pressure will send them the signals they need to give you some extra help and support. Think back on all those times you've felt stressed in the last four years and haven't hurt yourself and find what it is that helped you and kept you going then, and try to use that now.

You can do this, and we'll be here for you every step of the way.