Long story short I have been very unhappy for a very long time. I believe I was depressed before I ever knew I was, before I had a diagnosis. I wasn't diagnosed until after a suicde attempt during my senior year of highschool. Since then I have been...ok, ups and down. Some SI, on and offf my medication. I am switching to do a new doctor, because even when I was taking it consistently it wasn't a lot of help. Yes I know I should take my meds, not the point of this thread.
Recently, the past few weeks, have been really rough and emotionally I just feel terrible. I feel like I did when I tried to kill myself, but I know I dont want to do that now. I've tried to make this thread so many times, but it doesnt seem worth the effort and I cant find the words. I feel like I cant explain myself without being misunderstood. I hardly understand how I feel, so how can I explain it? I'm tired, hopeless, everything seems pointless. I cant see my future...I mean I can't see what I want to do or will do when I'm done with college (which will be soon). I feel really alone and without friends like I do when I was middleschool and I know things have to get better, but it doesn't feel that way. I can't see a time when I will get better and even if I do what does it matter because I will always feel worse again.
Now I'm nervous because my semester ends tomorrow and I have to go home. I have a loving, supporting family, who cares about me, but they are so stressfull. Mom is very sick physically and I cant tell her anything because it upsets her and makes her worse. I love my Dad and brother, but because of their own issues the bring a lot of stress in my life. Being home makes me emotional and I feel like I can't hide this from them. It is good because I will see my new doctor, but....I dont know. Everything is just so wrong. At this moment I feel apathetic, but...I dont know. I think I am just rambling and I'm not sure what I'm looking for out of this thread.
Congrats and thank you if you managed to read all that
You will find that having is not so pleasing a thing as wanting. It is not logical, but is often true-Spock
I'd rather have a goddam horse. A horse is at least human, for God's sake. ~J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye
I read this yesterday and was too tired to respond. I am quickly writing now to say I am thinking of you. I will try to help ... I have to think a little though
Although you are lost for words I know exactly how you are feeling. I am going through the same thing at the moment. just finished the semester, completely depressed (I can feel myself slipping again) and I'm going to graduate in a year and have no clue where I'm going to go in life. I am very very glad you are getting to see another doctor. I have tried so many meds and my body reacts so badly to them that I just can't take them. My grades and school I'm struggling. I know how it feels. I have a loving and supporting family yet I feel bad if I tell them just because they all have their own stressors. I feel like I'd be making things worse on them. Hang in there. You are not alone. This might be kinda odd but it makes me feel just slightly better knowing I'm not completely alone in this. When I read what you had written it reminded me of me.
Strawberry what are you doing to cope with these feelings? I can ignore them for a bit, distract myself...but it never works. It never goes away and I know it will just come back. Its nice to hear I'm not alone though. Do you think that things will get better when you know what you want to do with your life?
You will find that having is not so pleasing a thing as wanting. It is not logical, but is often true-Spock
I'd rather have a goddam horse. A horse is at least human, for God's sake. ~J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye
Recently, the past few weeks, have been really rough and emotionally I just feel terrible. I feel like I did when I tried to kill myself, but I know I dont want to do that now. I've tried to make this thread so many times, but it doesnt seem worth the effort and I cant find the words.
I think nervous tension is stressing you. This could explain why you don't feel able to explain how you feel.Also feeling overwhelmed could be leading to the feelings of worthlessness and the feeling of pointlessness.
Being up and down on your medication will definitely have an adverse affect on your state of mind, also so will having the wrong dose and the wrong kind. Do you find that you don't take it because it seems pointless, because it makes you worse or because you just forget?
Mom is very sick physically and I cant tell her anything because it upsets her and makes her worse. I love my Dad and brother, but because of their own issues the bring a lot of stress in my life.
I think the worries for your family must be very distressing but you feel guilty having needs, when you look to your parents for support and they are unable to help you must feel helpless. Remember you are worth their time and they would not want you to feel hopeless - with any luck, things are not as bad as they seem, is it possible to talk to your mum about how she is, and explain how you would like to help; I think you need to act on your fears - not let them control you. Don't let things build up on you till you feel hopeless.
Being home makes me emotional and I feel like I can't hide this from them.
This can be very upsetting - I know exactly what you mean. I used to suffer very badly and always feel guilty for being what I considered 'really messed up' and would literally sit on the sofa shaking and crying. But trying hard not to show anything too much. My mum isn't the best at emotions, and she didn't have a clue what to do. I know it sounds very hard but - you have to reach into yourself and say.. 'How do I want to feel, how do I get there' and work on it .. it is a hard hard road, and sometimes more than a person can go alone, this is why therapy and counselling are widely used, however even with therapy and counselling it can be frightening and feel overwhelming.
Low self esteem can make it doubly hard so try very hard to use kind, friendly words to describe yourself in your head, and remember even if you have setbacks you are not a failure, and you are always worth someones time even if you just say to your mum or dad, can I have a hug?
I do hope this helps and makes some sort of sense, it really can be hard feeling rubbish when you also feel worthless, but your family do love you and you are just as important as them.
To Vertebrae:
I'm not sure how to respond yet, just need some time to think. A lot of what you said really make sense and I think you were spot it...So much easier said then done, huh?
My meds stopped me from being overly emotional...I didn't cry for no reason when I was one them, I could think a bit clearer, but they didn't help with my mood at all. They never stopped me from hitting an low. I know antidepressents don't stop you from being unhappy, you still have your emotions, but I feel like it wasn't helping me control my negative thoughts and emotions. Something I will have to bring up when I see the new doctor
Edit: I hope no one minds I'm adding this. I just need a minivent and right now this feels like a safe place for that. The family dog died about two weeks ago, she was very hold. I was at school at the time, but now that I am home her absence is just so...strong. I bought my own horse when I was 16, I've been paying for all his bills sense then (which has gotten so much harder in college) and during winter break he stays up near school. Its too expensive to bring him home for just a month, but I miss him terribly already. :( I do have my rat with me though. The only one in the house who I don't have to hide things from at the moment. Ugh I'm just whinning like a little girl now, sorry
Last edited by trekkinthrulife : 21-12-2011 at 04:59 AM.
You will find that having is not so pleasing a thing as wanting. It is not logical, but is often true-Spock
I'd rather have a goddam horse. A horse is at least human, for God's sake. ~J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye
