Im so numb and scared and angry. My psychiatrist is forcing me to go into the mental health unit for treatment. They said i might be out in about 10 days (i asked because its my birthday on the 21st november) and when i asked how i get out she said gain weight (im not underweight! the problem is that i havn't been eating not my weight) I got angry because ive been here before, very short admissions to the ed unit which i got offered the choice to go to but decided to go to the general mental health unit as that meant not having to leave my city, but everytime i leave i get insanely depressed but my weight stabalises and when i said this they said well your physical over psyc health is more important! and that angered me more because i feel like i really really wont be able to cope after being in a unit 10 days being forced to eat then probably going home to b/p.
I said to them that none of them actually care about anything other then physical stuff, as soon as thats fine they wont care if i have the most disordered eating in the world, everytime its the same and i just want to cry and curl up in a hole and die. Sorry if im being totally illogical here, i dont know if i am i cant even think straight im so angry that i have no control over anything and that my body doesnt feel like my own anymore
You dont need to destroy yourself anymore, we all know you were good at that,
now retire from all that hard work you do
of bringing pain to those sweet eyes and heart
I am very short on words and advice but hun I am wishing you all the best.
Hope treatment goes well for you and be free to inbox me because i'd love
to hear how you are getting on and I am always around for support.
Take care
<3
Locked in, Buried under my skin
Riding on the whispers, Restless in the wind
Hunted, I can feel it coming
Keep me under cover in what could of been.
Sweetheart I'm sorry that they're making you do this, I do hope though that it helps in some way, you don't deserve to be suffering. You've helped me so much, I really wish that there was something that I could say to make this easier for you. Please know that I'm thinking of you and sending you strength. Will you have internet access in there? *hugs* <3
Hey hun, not spoken to you in a long time. i recently thought of, so read your blog then came and stalked to here to see how you are doing. Im sorry to hear things have deteriated so much that you have to go ip. Are you going into an ed unit? or just the general mental healht unit? I really hope you get to read this before you go in or at least have used of internet while there. Also if you want to email/text/write etc just let me know hun and i can PM you my details. Oh its Merridith btw.
The BRAVEST thing
I ever did was CONTINUING MY LIFE when I wanted to die.
I'm sorry you#'re being made go in but I really hope this time helps you more than previous times. Best of luck and let us know how it's going if you can xx
Eating disorders aren't logical so don't stress about it n logical.
I really wish you all the best and a huge amount of positive thoughts. hospital can be a good place and really do try to utilise the opportunities and support available to you there. It won't be easy but it is for the best and really good luck with it all.
Flying on 2nd-hand wings. - my own wore out!...;-)
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Leeds and London
I am currently:
Hi, i don't know you, but I just wanted to say I can see how exarcberated you are, and I totally get your feeling that short 'physical based' admissions aren't going to work. I was inpatient in a specialist ED unit for 9 months when I really did need to gain weight. A couple of years later I was back there on a 'short' program, at a better weight due to a 6 week stint of tube feeding. I didn't get the psych help I was desperately asking for and attempted suicide because the real problem wasn't being addressed. I was subsequently diagnosed with a co-morbid disorder of BPD, and was then able to push for funding to be treated in a DBT-focused residential program which addressed everything really and saved my life. Do you have access to DBT (Dialectical Behavioural Therapy) over there? Xx
Thanks so much everyone for the kind words they have brightened my day so much, i havnt re-read my innitial post as i was in a really panicked space when i wrote it but things have calmed down a bit now. I dont have internet access there and dont have long now as am on leave for my birthday tomorrow (overnight leave is good but stressful!) The ward im in is an acute general MH ward, its very diff to the ed ward i know, they search your bags and its locked etc and a bit degrading almost. The nurses have no idea about ed's, they just leave me to do my thing and tell me when its meal time, i only eat what i want so have actually lost weight from when i was admitted but i am trying really hard to maintain not lose. Its just really hard i freak out every morning that i will gain so under eat and because i have so much free reign there i feel too guilty eating anymore then veges and soy milk because they dont encourage me and theres no other ed people to sorta put that peer pressure to eat which seems to be in the ed units when everyone eats together. None of them talk to me i just walk around my room all day or do crafts, they arent horrible some of them i like they just dont really bother with the patients that much. I am seeing a psyc now shes great, but really no ones even gone over when i can go home or what i have to do etc, i really just go day to day not knowing anything about goals for release etc etc.
Sorry this is a rushed reply, super tired. But just to let you all know im doing okay and your messages are really amazing to come online and read, much love and hope you are all hanging in there xxxx
You dont need to destroy yourself anymore, we all know you were good at that,
now retire from all that hard work you do
of bringing pain to those sweet eyes and heart
