Contains sexual abuse - letting them use me

Cacoethes · 17-10-2011, 02:22 PM

i labelled this as contains sa because it might be but im not sure.

well, this situation is entirely my fault, so i dont know why im posting here.
ive recently moved from a secure hospital to a theraputic community where i can come and go whenever, i was on a week trial period first and thats when it first happened.
i walked into an off licence to get something, and got chatted up by one of the guys on the till, i gave him my number, he texted later saying come to the shop, i went, he took me to the office/stock room and got me a drink and chatted, and it kind of escalated. i met him a few times after, he took me round the back so no one would see me go in and the cameras couldnt pick it up. that guy has left now, but he has given my number to his colleauge, who is now doing the exact same thing.
i think his words were 'ok, walk straight out of the office and out of the door, see you later'

the shop is a 3min walk from where i live, he knows where i live, and i have to walk past the shop to get anywhere else.
i just feel so used, but its my fault isnt it. i should just say no, but thats another thing, i cannot say no, to anyone, about anything, i just cant. its really stupid.

im just thinking ill never be good for anything else, why do they start talking to me in the first place? its like im obviously a complete whore.

im just feeling really bad about myself right now, and could do with some support.

thankyou if you read this all the way through.
x

troubleshooter · 17-10-2011, 04:30 PM

Sweetie you're not a whore. Your'e doing what you're used to, maybe even what you've been conditioned to do. Did you start seeing the first guy because you liked him? Or because he pushed you into things? If you liked him it's understandable you saw him and all. But even if you did it sounds like you were pushed into things you did not want to do. As for this other guy, it's just...not okay. It's not okay for these men to hurt you or take advantage of you. It can be really hard and scary to say no when you've never been allowed to. But I think since you live in a therapeutic community it might work to your advantage. I'm sure there are lots of therapists and social workers you can talk to about this. I'm sure they can help you and make sure you are safe and no one you don't like touches or hurts you. While it may feel a bit... annoying, it might also be best if you don't go anywhere (or at least not many places) alone. Maybe have a "buddy" go with you, and that might help you feel safer around men like that. *hugs* It's not your fault, but you need to learn on how to protect yourself and say no. Talk to the people there about that as well. Good luck honey. *more hugs*

Heaven Knows · 17-10-2011, 10:46 PM

*sends hugs*
I have no words but I read and I care <3
x Katie x

Cacoethes · 18-10-2011, 01:19 AM

thankyou both

i didnt like the first guy, i cant say i had no idea what was going to happen when i went back, it just sort of happened.

the second guy, when he rang me, said, 'come straight to the back room' so i did, when he came in, things just happened, looking back, its all a bit of a blur, but random parts of it keep coming into my head, like im remembering it every time, and i start twitching/shuddering.
lots of people have asked me whats wrong since then, i just say nothing, im cold.
i really cant bring myself to tell anyone.
its not their fault, i led them on, i must have done something, flirted, acted suggestive or something like that.

lots of things have happened to me since i was 11, which i now realise was sexual abuse and the 'r' word. but im 20 now, i should be able to have stopped it, should of said no, should of stopped acting like a ****ing whore. thats all im ever going to be good for.
he's going to call tomorrow, and i will probably go back tomorrow. because im like that. because im stupid.because im worthless.because i will never be good for anything else.

i tried to get arrested or sectioned at a&e today, just so i could be safe.

troubleshooter · 18-10-2011, 02:25 AM

Hush hush. Do NOT call yourself a whore like that. You may be 20 now but I think the person responding to those men is still that scared 11 year old. And do NOT try to get arrested. I want you to print out your first post and take it to a therapist at your community. Tell them you need help and need someone to work with you on protecting yourself and saying no. From how you describe yourself I bet you didn't "lead them on" at all. They're probably just big jerks who picked you out because you seemed nervous and vulnerable. That's not your fault honey. you are NOT worthless and it's NEVER ok for people to hurt you that way. I want you to call the phone company and change your number tomorrow. If he calls, you lock the door, stay in, and call a counselor who works there. *holds your hand* You ARE big enough to protect yourself now, but you just need to learn how honey. It'll be okay, you just need to ask for some help.

Cacoethes · 18-10-2011, 10:30 AM

thankyou for your kind words.

my cpn is here, shes in the office at the moment, i think i might talk to her about it. although she hates me so she'll probably say i asked for it too.
im just scared that i will have an std or be pregnant, i dont think i could deal with that right now.
x

troubleshooter · 18-10-2011, 04:55 PM

What makes you say she hates you? Has she blamed you for abuse other times? Maybe if you're not ready to tell what's happened just say that you need help with saying no and protecting yourself. *holds your hand gently* If you're really scared about STDs or pregnancy why don't you just go to the doctor to get a check up. Just PM me if you need some extra help or a little push to get help from your therapists there. *hugs gently* Be safe!

Cacoethes · 18-10-2011, 05:47 PM

she doesnt believe me about the past abuse, and shes only been my cpn for about 2 years, and hardly sees me.
i didnt tell her about it.

i went for a sexual health check up the other week, but freaked out before they could do the swabs and stuff, it was really painful and i started crying and freaking out, i was meant to get the results last wednesday, but couldnt face going on my own, and they could only get a male member of staff to come with me. so i cancelled.
:(

troubleshooter · 19-10-2011, 03:48 AM

That's not good at all. I think you should try to find her superior or the staff at your community to discuss this. You should tell them she rarely sees you and does not help you, and even makes you feel worse about your situations. *cuddles gently* It's scary to go to clinics like that sweetie, but next time let's call ahead and make an appointment with someone female okay? Also, sometimes when you learn how to control your body a bit more the exams/swabs may not be quite as painful. You'll be okay sweetheart, and we'll find a way to get you the services you need. *hugs more*

Cacoethes · 19-10-2011, 01:45 PM

my therapist is off sick again today.
thats 2 weeks in a row.
just when i need it most

Popple · 24-10-2011, 02:53 PM

Have you been able to speak to anyone yet?

Cacoethes · 25-10-2011, 09:49 PM

yes, my therapist came back today.
but i had more important things to talk about today. next session is monday.
:s