Contains sexual abuse - I think this was abuse - but i'm not sure.
Don't want to say too much - my first post - but lots on my mind.
Am an adult female -33
My Dad when I was a child - was 'inappropriate' I think - Cuddles where he really pulled me onto him - he held my hips really close to his groin - pulling me into him - heavy breathing - I didn't know at the time - but he was getting turned on - the breathing and the feelings, moving me against his body. it makes me feel so sick now thinking about it.
other stuff happened - some with my dad - some with my older sister -
she used to rub herself against me - no clothes at night time - is this just normal kids stuff or was it wrong - I feel so ashamed thinking about it all now and dirty.
But I don't know - is this just stuff that happens or was it abuse? I don't know but it's haunting me.
I'm sorry if this seems trivial - I know people out there have been really hurt and I'm lucky that I wasn't -but I feel really bad about all this and want to get it straight in my head.
I didn't realise at the time it was wrong - looking back though it doen't seem right though.
I would say that what your dad did was, uhm, wrong. I would call that abuse personally.
& What your sister did, do you think maybe she might have got that from our dad? Asin, the same thing happening to her as what happened to you..
Have you spoken to your sister about your dad? If your are close enough to talk these things through, it might benefit you.
hi there.
welcome to RYL.
I'm sorry to hear you're struggling so much right now.
I can understand the confused feelings, but if what they did doesn't feel right - if it makes you feel how you have described, it sounds like it's something you do need to face - with the posibility of it being abuse.
Like the above poster said, have you tried discussing this with anyone - especially your sister? It can help just to verbalise these thoughts with someone it affected - and you may find that she did go through similar and is just as confused as you.
I'm glad you found the courage to post and I hope you know you're not alone.
Please feel free to PM me if you wan to talk.
x Katie x
The things you describe your dad doing was most certainly wrong.
It' possible that your sister was just acting out toward you the same thing your dad did you and her.
I'm sorry your dad was weird and possibly something worse. I'm sorry you are having all these questions and concerns. Please know that all issues regarding abuse regardless of how big or small you preceive them to be are welcomed to be discussed.
Thank you for all being so kind and responding - I'm pretty sure there's more re. my sister and I think she was acting it out on me.
Don't think I could ever say anything to either of them - How do you do this without destroying the family - Our family like to keep things hidden... You don't talk about stuff like this. Me and my sister aren't that close.
Am seeing a counsellor and have hinted that stuff went on - but so hard to find the words to say it..
Feels all so sordid and wrong and I want to forget about it - but have depression and every major episode - it comes back..
I know I need to face it and deal with it all -but part of me just thinks this is minor stuff - touching and all that - it could have been far worse...
Horribly mixed up about it all and just want it to go away.
Am a Christian and struggling with forgiveness and justice - when I'm so angry.
That sounds like some light form of abuse, maybe "vicarious abuse" from your dad. (I keep forgetting the darn proper name of things like this, I should write it down.) With your sister, it's likely she might've been abused more directly than you, and was... for lack of better words, horny and just acting out sexually with you. If she was little at the time she probably didn't know any better and just knew she wanted to feel good.
You should tell your therapist. I'm sure that would help. Also, don't beat yourself up over being angry. I can see that forgiveness is important to you and your beliefs, but forgiveness is not possible if you don't let yourself feel the anger first. There is no time limit on when you must forgive someone. Let yourself feel the anger, the resentment, the rage. Once you have felt that and gotten help for it, your mind and spirit will settle more. Once you feel you've gotten through that, then you can consider forgiveness. Okay? Don't get ahead of yourself with thus stuff. *hugs*
Farewell the Ashtray Girl
July 12, 1987-April 30, 2010
Thank you for all being so kind and responding - I'm pretty sure there's more re. my sister and I think she was acting it out on me.
Don't think I could ever say anything to either of them - How do you do this without destroying the family - Our family like to keep things hidden... You don't talk about stuff like this. Me and my sister aren't that close.
Am seeing a counsellor and have hinted that stuff went on - but so hard to find the words to say it..
Feels all so sordid and wrong and I want to forget about it - but have depression and every major episode - it comes back..
I know I need to face it and deal with it all -but part of me just thinks this is minor stuff - touching and all that - it could have been far worse...
Horribly mixed up about it all and just want it to go away.
Am a Christian and struggling with forgiveness and justice - when I'm so angry.
Thanks for listening .
I'm really rubbish with advice right now but just wanted to say that whatever you're feeling is okay and understandable. What happened must have been horrible for you. It's not minor. Nothing that is affecting you like this is minor. Try not to compare your situation with others because each situation is different and however you're feeling is okay. There is ALWAYS someone worse off than yourself. That applies to all of us. But it doesn't make what happened to you any less important or upsetting. I'm not sure if that made sense but wanted to try say it. Take care of yourself.
Been thinking about all the replies - thank you so much for them... Been all over the place the last couple of weeks - don't want to think about all this -but it's just playing on my mind.
Saw my councellor today - tried to say something - but couldn't get the words out - I told her a bit about him in general - his moods and silences and how hard work he was in general - but I couldn't tell her the specifics.
I know in the grand scheme of things it wasn't so bad - he used to touch me inappropriately - underhand way of doing it - under the pretence of being nice - like, I can remember how if I had a cold he's rub stuff on my chest - it's what parents do - but not dads when you're starting to develop and stuff. He's spend ages massaging it in - I can feel his sweaty hands and hear his breathing as he got off on it. Why didn't I say no or push him away?
He used to 'cuddle me' and as he did was pulling me on him, rubbing me against him - I couldn't get away as he pulled me into him and when I think about it - I can remember how I could feel him getting turned on and him pressing me into his hips and my skin against his and that heavy breathing .
I'm married and it all makes more sense now than when I was a child - I know how it is with a man, - but then I didn't properly understand... I knew it wasn't right - but sometimes it was like he was being nice - compared to all his moodyness and anger etc.
I'm frightened of so many things - I get anxious about everything - but men especially - I get really nervous sometimes with them - for no reason.
All the stuff with my sister too - I can't put it into words - I know kids experiment - but this seems a bit too much - I can't remember exactly how old we were - but I think between 7 - 10. I'm so confused -the fact that it's a bit hazy makes me think - maybe it's not so bad - but it feels wrong and not right when I look back at it all.
I wonder if my mum knew? We used to beg to have seperate bedrooms as teenagers - there was a spare room - but she insisted on keeping us together until my sister moved out... Maybe she was protecting us keeping us together or maybe they just didn't want us to have seperate rooms - the other room was never used other than for storage...
Part of me wants to ask my sister - but what if nothing happened - or what if it did - opening a huge can of worms either way and I don't want to destroy the family... especially my mum.
Any advice on telling my councellor ? I tried but the words won't come - part of it is using sexual words with her - I'm embarrased and part of it is because it's so trivial probably that I'm getting all het up over nothing and she's going to think I'm making a fuss over low level stuff...
I don't really know what advice to give right now, but I just wanted you to know that I can relate to so much of what you just said there. I really can. And I think it's really brave of you to write about it here, it must have taken a lot of courage to write all of that. I hope it's helping to have this thread and talk about it. If you were sat next to me right now, I would be very much wanting to give you a safe hug and tell you everything is going to be okay.
As for telling your counsellor, have you considered writing it down to hand over to her? I've done that in the past before with bits and bobs of what happened. It can be a lot easier than struggling with actually speaking it out loud.
I really really hope that things get better for you. I can relate to so much of what you have written, especially when you said about having to share a bedroom with your sister and wondering if that means your mum might have been trying to protect you etc.
Take care of yourself lovely. My PM box is always open if you needed to talk xxx
It really does sound like you were abused. Greanted, it was mild, but any sexual abuse can have serious effects throughout your life. I would be very cautious about bringing it up with your sister. Do you have a good relationship with her? If you do and you can comfortably bring up your behaviors together as children, maybe get into it a tiny but. But tread lightly, even a good relationship can be damaged by this stuff. *hugs* You def should tell your therapist though, even print out what you told us to show in a session.
Farewell the Ashtray Girl
July 12, 1987-April 30, 2010
