Wow - two years is such a fantastic achievement! You've done
so well and you should be really proud of yourself. After such a long time, you must be very disappointed that you slipped up and self injured again, but try not to look at this as something really negative. You have to understand that slip ups like these are just as important as making that first decision to quit. You are obviously under a lot of stress at the moment and if you haven't got any way of coping with this stress, it's no surprise that you've resorted to old habits. After all, whilst not a healthy way of doing so, self harm is a coping method and seems to help initially. You've stopped and that's wonderful, but if you haven't replaced self harm with another coping method then you are bound to experience slip ups now and again. To stop self harming isn't enough - you need to stop
needing to self harm as well, and this can only be achieved by finding an alternative outlet for that stress and pain. Use this as a reminder to find yourself another coping method and all of the reasons that you stopped in the first place, and then get back on your feet and continue not self harming the way you were before. There's a great article on the main site "
Sticking to Stopping" that I think would be a great read for you. Don't be disheartened - stay strong, and keep working toward your goal.
'Attention seeking' has such negative connotations but I understand where you are coming from when you say you want to cut deeply so that someone will recognize you are in pain. But, the truth is, this isn't the only way for you to get the help and support that you need - it is not attention seeking to ask for support, to tell someone that you are finding it hard to cope. It takes a very strong person to admit that they are struggling. Unfortunately, most people walk around with their eyes closed and won't pick up on the subtle signs that someone isn't coping, but there's no shame in speaking up yourself - once you find your voice, there will be people to listen.
You sound like you have a lot on your plate and I think it would be great for you to talk to someone, and release some of that stress and tension. How would you feel about making an appointment with the counselor at your college? The counselor might be able to help you find a better way to deal with the things in your life at the moment - such as your busy schedule, and the pressure that you're feeling about achieving your grades at college and looking after your brother as well. If not, do you feel you can confide in a relative or friend about how you're feeling? You do not have to cope with this by yourself. You just need to reach out, put down the mask that you're wearing and ask for the help you need. There will always be someone around willing to offer it.
Take care, my dear.
