thank you for the replies. i really appreciate knowing someone out there cares. i cut myself again yesterday worse than the day before. i am stuck in the loop again.
i did do a few things on a positive note though. i told my therapist about what i did and we talked about possibilities for treatment. she wants me to go IP but that's not what i want to do. we settled for an intensive outpatient program that is the equivalent of a partial hospitalization day program. i have done it before and it is not so scary. i told my boyfriend about it all and he is concerned that the say program will be concerned about my cutting and sent me off to the hospital anyway. we'll see. it looks as though he is going to travel this weekend despite his concerns. i will be babysat by a few friends and my mom while he is gone.
i told my mom what was going on...something that was extremely difficult for me to do. i didn't say anything of the cutting, but more that i was having a difficult time with stress and stuff. it was actually a good conversation and i feel like i did the right thing. she wanted me to know she loves me loads and its nice to know she is on my side.
i guess that is it for now. i know i am going to hurt myself again today at some point because that is what happens when i am in this loop. i will try to be as safe as possible though.
i'm sorry to bump this up but i am having a tough time right now. i was on the phone with the intensive outpatient people and they said that my insurance company will not cover the program that i was supposed to attend next week. i don't know what to do now. my insurance company will pay for regular outpatient services or inpatient but not the intensive outpatient. what am i supposed to do now? i don't want to go inpatient. and clearly my regular outpatient appointments are not quite doing it for me. i am stuck in the loop of self harming everyday again and i can't stop. this sucks. i am so ****ing dumb.
Need someone right now. It's late and I can't sleep. I have a terrible urge to hurt myself but I'm not home. I am supposed to be good cuz I'm at a friends house. I'm just not sure I can make it they the night
Could you mention your feelings to the friend whose house you're staying at? You wouldn't have to explicitly mention SI if you didn't want to, just let them know you're feeling really low and unsafe. Tell them you can't sleep because these thoughts won't leave you alone. Or call your mom or your boyfriend. Don't worry about upsetting them or worrying them - what's important right now is you and if they really love you (which I know they do) they will support you no matter what because they know how important it is and how important you are to them.
"It's not a dream anymore. It's worth fighting for."
"Well, if it's not real you can't hold it in your hands
You can't feel it with your heart
And I won't believe it.
But if it's true
You can see it with your eyes
Oh, even in the dark
And that's where I want to be, yeah" - Paramore
i made it thru last night, but i didn't sleep at all. my mind raced all night. i wish i could say that i didn't SH today when i came home, but i can't. at least i am being honest about it. i suck at life.
No, you don't suck at life...you just have a great deal to well, deal with. (numb brain, sorry).
Is anyone at home with you? Can you speak with your mom?
Do you need to seek help for the wounds?
Hoping you can manage to keep safe, but if not, pls reach out.
I hope something can be worked out with your insurance.
xx
i am now home alone. i spent all day babysitting and when i wasn't babysitting i was at my mom's house spending time with my sister. they don't know how bad things are for me, but it was good to be around people all day. trouble is now i am alone and i am feeling unsafe and i don't want to tell anyone because they will worry. and i don't want to worry anyone. i am super tired from my lack of sleep last night but i am not sure that i will actually be able to sleep because of my thoughts.
i really appreciate everyone taking the time to reply even though i don't feel worthy of your help.
oh and i am supposed to go shopping for a dress tomorrow with my mom. not sure how that is going to work. we'll see.
If ive been wrong so far then ignore the first line.
If you think im the best penguin friend a gal could ever have then read line one and take action.
If you dont this is the dress you will end up in!
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
OMG that is the most hideous dress! It was good for a laugh though. i went shopping with my mom and i did get a dress that is very nice. and shoes. gotta have the right shoes to go with the dress and these shoes go perfectly.
you are the bestest penguin pal i could ask for and you don't steer me wrong, but i wasn't able to tell anyone in real life how bad i am feeling. its like there isn't a good time to say anything and i don't want anyone to freak out or worry about me. and i know they will worry.
my friend bill is coming over tonight but for now i am alone and will probably end up harming soon. i am just stuck in this cycle and i hate myself for putting me back here again.
I am really hoping you told P and that he got you to call your mother ?? Im hoping you are ok.
You really sohuldnt be alone.
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
I said I wasn't going to harm again tonight. All I have to do is go to bed. Why is that so hard? I have such a strong urge to cut right now. I had a long conversation with bill tonight and although it was a very good convo it was also highly triggering for me. If I could cry I would. I feel wrong and bad. Like a dirty whore.
i am getting really nervous . i have an assessment tomorrow afternoon for an intensive outpatient program. i am kinda freaking out about it. i don't want to lie, but i don't want to be hospitalized. i know if i say that i am harming everyday they will probably send me to the hospital like last time. i am stuck between a rock and a hard place. the pressure makes me want to cut which i haven't today. i actually managed not to SH at all today. the day isn't quite over yet, but i am trying.
i talked to my mom today and my therapist yesterday. they think that going to the specialized hospital in maryland will do me good whereas the local psych ward won't. i agree. so i am amenable to going IP, just not to the local psych ward. and i want to be able to attend my cousin's wedding on Oct. 1. it may seem like a small stupid thing, but i haven't seen my extended family in a long time and everyone will be gathered for the wedding. if i am IP, the wedding is out the window for me as they will keep me there for a while. and they don't allow day passes here.
i guess i don't know what i want from this post except to keep you posted on what has been happening over the last few days. i hope i will be able to update this tomorrow after my appointment....if i can't, it means they locked me up.
i know you don't know me. But I know this is hard for you. I hope and pray everything goes well for you and you can get the support you need to enable you to heal.
*Sending hugs and prayers your way*
~I am an angel with broken wings...I cannot fly, only dream...I cannot breath but someday I will sing.~
Gravedigger, when you dig my grave, could you dig it shallow, so I can feel the rain?
i ****ed it up. i lied about how often i cut and told them that i could contract for safety when i know i can't. i was too scared of going to the hospital. i feel like ripping myself to shreds because i am such a **** up. all i had to do was tell the truth. but no. i lied. whatever. i suck at life.
anyway. i am starting the program tomorrow morning and i have to tell them that i SH today. i am scared. fear is running my life. i wish i could cry. or scream. stupid bitch. i ****ed it up.
today was tough. but i told the truth about it all. i told them how often i am cutting, what i am using to cut, where i cut (even showed them when they asked), where i keep my blades (which is almost everywhere). my therapist outside of this program told me that i needed to give full disclosure to my outpatient team so they can really help. if i didn't do it she was going to do it for me. so it was for the best that i cooperate.
it was exhausting to talk so much about what i hold to be so secretive and of the most personal things about me. i was told that i can't cut while in the program and i started to get really defensive and defiant. we talked about it and i agreed to contract with her that i would only harm once per day. so far i have only harmed once today but its only 7:30pm. i have to get thru another several hours before i go to bed and it is really tempting especially because i am home alone. i guess that is why i am reaching out here.
i am still worried what will happen if i can't keep to my contract and harm more than once per day. i could just lie but then i will feel as bad as i did in my last post. ugh. once this weekend is over and i don't have to worry about my cousin's wedding anymore there will be a lot less pressure on me.
i am supposed to have a pedicure on saturday with my mom and sister. they do not know i SH. i have cuts that are visible by my ankle and i am so nervous that they will see them and say something. i am pretty sure i would want to crawl into a hole and die at that point. we'll see what happens. i have been trying to think of a clever excuse why i have a cut there...i could use my cat as a scapegoat. lying sucks. but the truth is hard.
i am not doing well right now and could use some support. the contract i have with my therapist in IOP is that i will not harm more than once a day. so far i have ****ed that all up today. and wanting more.
Don't be so hard on yourself. A slip up is only a slip up. Getting better takes time. Just understanding that you need to make a change is a step in the right direction. I know that need is a hard one to deal with. My husband told me that if it ever happens again, ever, he wouldn' be able to stay with me. So you can imagine the struggle. Whenever anyone says absolutely no to anything.. it then becomes the biggest object of all your desires. You just have to stay strong and reallize that no one is perfect, we all slip up from time to time. You trip and fall, just pick your feet back up and keep walking. You can only get better with practice. Be honest with yourself and others, it is the key to your recovery. Learn to trust yourself and let others trust you. You can do it. You sought out help, that in itself takes a huge deal of strength. Unlock the rest of that stregnth. It's a tough road, but if it was easy, we woulnd't be in these situations *hugs and squeezes* hang in there
~I am an angel with broken wings...I cannot fly, only dream...I cannot breath but someday I will sing.~
Gravedigger, when you dig my grave, could you dig it shallow, so I can feel the rain?
thank you for taking the time to reply to my post. i am in a much better place today then i was on friday. i threw away my blades. all of them. i know i can always get more but i am attempting to quit legitimately. i also pick my wounds open and i have made strides to stop doing that also. i am afraid of my wounds healing. i know a whole bunch of psychological inferences could be made from that statement but that is the feeling i am struggling with. when i know the wounds are healing my anxiety increases and when the anxiety increases the thoughts to pick open the wound increase. so i am trying not to pick more than once a day. so far i have been good.
and my mood is lifting a bit i think from some of the med changes that my psychiatrist has made. all in all today is a better day than any day i have had in the past several weeks. i feel a bit like my normal self. and when i say normal i mean completely nutty. :P
That is good. You are making huge strides. Keep it up. I am very happy for you!!!!
Remember that you will always have good days and bad days. What matters is not how bad a bad day is. It matters how you get back up and keep going, keep trying. Don't be afraid to make mistakes, it's how we learn. Congrats, keep healing, inside and out!
~I am an angel with broken wings...I cannot fly, only dream...I cannot breath but someday I will sing.~
Gravedigger, when you dig my grave, could you dig it shallow, so I can feel the rain?
