Confused

Sketchy · 29-09-2011, 08:32 PM

I'm so mixed up. Feels like self harm has got out of control but I feel like a fraud because I hide it so well from my family and friends. Wondering if I should tell anyone close to me, but I then think I am being selfish by telling them. They know about the depression though. But I'm really not coping. I live alone so noone sees how I really am.
I'm getting help for depression and self harm but I find it so difficult and scared that this is just the way I am and I'll never change. I was told I make choices, including with self harm. This really upset me because I know it is me doing it to myself. I have noone to blame but myself and I am chossing to do this, but at the same time I feel so compelled to do this. I feel like I need to, I can't stop. I should be able to, but I can't. Felt so low that overdosing is at the back of my mind. Argh, sorry, guess I just needed to rant.

quiet1 · 29-09-2011, 09:51 PM

hey there. i just wanted to post to let you know that you are not alone. i am experiencing a lot of the same feelings you are. it is hard to see SH as a choice when it feels so compelling, like you will implode if you don't do it. instead of stopping why not work on cutting back (no pun intended) on how much you SH. i made a contract with my therapist that i would not SH more than once a day. it is a hard thing for me to do, but it is achievable. why not try something like that. this way you are not giving it up completely but you are making strides to be healthier.

i would strongly encourage you to reach out to your mental health professionals before you take an OD. at the very least keep posting here.

take care
*hugs*

HildaOgden · 29-09-2011, 11:06 PM

Hey: I'm sorry you're having such a rough time and you feel like you can't reach out.
I really struggle with s/harm - it is like I am addicted to it. I feel compelled also to do it.
I really hope you manage not to od. can you call a helpline like the Sams and have a chat with them to try and distract yourself from your thoughts?
Or what about playing online games, like Scrabble on Facebook to try and get your thoughts away from hurting yourslef?
It's difficult admitting to those we love that we hurt ourselves. I had to admit to my Mum last week that I had self harmed. It broke her heart and I was devastated that I was hurting her as well as hurting me. I still have her support though, although she may never understand why it is that I need to hurt myself.
May be you could write a letter to a family member or a friend and tell them about your self harm?
I wish you well,
charl
x

Sketchy · 30-09-2011, 08:14 PM

Thank you quiet1 and Charl for the advice. I've been given phone numbers for when things get really bad at night if I need help. I still have thoughts of an od but I'm trying to distract myself and if it gets stronger I will try phone one of the numbers for help. All these thoughts are leaving me exhausted. I have never felt so drained in my life. My head feels like mush.