When you're no longer harming but you're still hurting

[Mrs Sam]

Managed about 3 hours which is better than expected. I know I shouldn't write off the rest of thr night yet but I know how things usually go. I dreamt I killed some puppies. I'm even a **** person in my dreams. I put them in a carrier bag and forgot about them. Odd mind. I hate just lying here.

[Rain Keeper]

Put the remote on your belly and watch the waves! It will be like munchkin is waving to you. Sorry you can't sleep much.

You are doing good Sam, you are!


((((((((((((Sam))))))))))))))

[Mrs Sam]

I do that with my phone. It looks interesting.

I managed another few hours last night, albeit curled up under the duvet on the floor in the corner (i used to go under the bed but can't fit now) but Milly came and curled up next to me which helped.

I feel shattered today. I go from being ok one minute to crying my eyes out the next, seriously my head is all over. I hope this is just a blip, i've only 6 weeks till this baby is due and i can't go back down this path now.

He's also pretty persistent today. I think its when i'm tired or vulnerable he makes the most of it (and yeah i know he's not real but he's sounds it right now which is enough for me).

My friend is coming over in a couple of hours to see the baby's room and i must pull myself together. I also have to do some work. I'm so pleased i finish work in 3 weeks, i'm absolutely exhausted.

[Mrs Sam]

Today i'm feeling positive so i'm writing it down before it buggers off!!

Last night i was home alone and i managed ok even though we had no lights working downstairs. I went to bed around 10pm and slept till 6am without waking once. I feel quite proud of myself this morning.

We also have builders coming today and i'm not freaking out as much as i thought i would. Also i had planned on going to aqua-natal this morning and although i couldnt end up going due to the builders its the first time i've considered swimming in 2-3 years. I have a t-shirt i will wear over my swimming gear but i'm also going to try and modify a top and a tankini and stitch them together to cover my shoulder. Since i'm missing swimming today me and simon have said we might go normal swimming one night during the week instead and if i'm comfortable (i'm not sure if i'll feel too odd wearing a t-shirt thing under my tankini) then i'm going to take it up when baby is born as a regular activity. Hopefully it will help me get fit and there's a really nice pool literally at the top of the road (2 min drive).

I'm also looking at tattoo's to cover up my shoulder scars long term so i'm hoping that this means im actually considering not adding more to them! I mean they wouldn't be totally hidden so i couldn't show my arm when at work or with my family but it would mean when i go on holiday i wouldnt have to hide it or when i take the baby swimming i could wear normal stuff and on nights out i wouldnt always have to wear a cardigan. You know just makes my life a little easier.

Also i only have 5 1/2 weeks left before baby is due and today i feel lots of love for him and i cant wait to meet him! (the past few weeks have been filled with lots of anxiety rather than happniess about it all).

So yes, good things. Good, positive things.

[Mrs Sam]

I got a letter yesterday from the psych who is supposed to be doing my emdr saying shed like to see me before baby is born. I'm a bit scared but hopeful.

I also haven't heard anything back from my assessment in my new area. He said they'd call or send letter and it's been over a week now.

I think I need to slow down too. I've been trying to keep doing the same things I always do. As soon as I sit down though I feel so guilty but I'm shattered as I'm not sleeping well and my carpel tunnel and pelvic pain is horrendous right now. I mean I didn't even do that much yesterday it feels just some clothes washing, dish washer about 4-5 times and gardening and a bit tidying and went to the shops. Oh and a bit work in the morning for work. But compared to my usual it's nothing. I'm physvislly aching though and last night I had such bad dreams that Simon had to hug me and calm me as I was crying a lot.

I dunno.