If you ask me, I'll tell you I don't have parents. But I kind of do; my father is alive and well, but he let his wife emotionally/mentally abuse me. I moved out two weeks after turning 13 (in with my mother's parents), and about 18 months after that, we lost touch (because she didn't want him contacting me, and I just got hurt that he never phoned etc).
I'm still in touch with my grandfather on that side. Father and "wife" have now divorced, and she's shown him her true colours by abusing everyone.
Now, my grandfather wants father and I to get back in touch. Neither of us will make the first move apparently, and my grandfather and his partner said they were considering getting father and I together "by foul means" but decided against it in the end.
I told my granddad on the phone today that I had another breakdown a month ago. He really does seem to care, and we do get on fine; but he's so adamant that father and I should get back in touch. Up until now I've felt determined in myself that I won't, because he owes me a serious apology. I know if I make the first move, that makes me "the bigger person" and all; but I'm not the parent here. He was the parent who sat there and let some one abuse his daughter.
Is it wrong to want him to act like the parent, even though I'm now an adult myself?
Like I said, I'm not sure about getting back in touch now. Before, I was determined I wasn't, but now I'm not sure. Would I handle such a massive change? He has a kid with the ex-wife, so still has to see her, which means she can still get to me. (Just to point out, I would never make him choose between his son and me or anything). But she is going to get to me again if I have anything to do with father. And since father and I haven't been in touch for years, why change it now?
I just don't know what to do. There's pressure on me. I feel guilty. Everything's going tits up at the moment. Just one thing after the other. Is it really wise to make that massive (and painful, and stressful) change right now? Does it make me a bad person for trying to look out for my own health and safety?
Does it make me a bad person to not trust the man who let someone abuse me?
I'm in a similar situation myself;
all I have to say is it doesn't make you a bad person for trying to look out for your own health and safety and it doesn't make you a bad person for not trusting him.
Sorry this response is so short etc :(
xxx
Some Things There Are No Words For, Only Shoulders To Lean On. Hands To Hold On To. And Hugs To Comfort You, As Best They Can.
Buttons - you make me proud.
MeaCulpa - It will never be your fault.
Everyone - Whatever you need to hear.
I have a difficule relationship with my father because of his wife so I can understand a little.
Its a hard decision but ultimately you have to do what you feel is best. Prepare for the fact that he may let you down again. And set some firm ground rules in place if you do ever get back in contact. E.g you only ever see him alone, not with his ex wife.
i'm 13 and my Dads a alchaholic. i havent seen my dad in 5 months i fake being sick and everything just to get away from seeing him. somebody PM me and tell me if i'm doing the right/wrong thing, any opinoins at all.
Kira - I don't think you should make yourself ill to get out of seeing him, because that's not good for you, at all. Who do you live with? Can you talk to them about not wanting to see your Dad? Can you talk to someone about how you feel? Addressing the problem by talking like that is much better than avoiding it. It's normal to not want to see him when he's drinking so much by the way. Don't beat yourself up over that hon. xx
I've not really made any decisions with regards to this. I've had very mixed advice and I'm still confused. I feel guilty because my Mum would want my Dad and I to be ok with each other. She'd want us to be part of each other's lives. I'm letting her down. I hate me.
Hi. I can identify with this. I, as well, say I have no parents, for other reasons. My mother has been the single most abusive person in my life, she has never apologized for anything done and even now still does a lot of the things that caused me to cut contact with her...however, I do see her sometimes and when I do I know not to expect any apology or any kind of motherly behaviour from her. I, like you, would love for her to be the parent...to be the big person, to even acknowledge or admit her wrongdoing but I also know she won't...its just not in her, she probably can't and it took me a lot of years, even more tears and a hell lot of suffering to eventually realize that just won't happen. She simply isn't the person I would like her to be. The reason I say I'm an orphan is becasue I am...emotionally. My mother is there physically and I see her sometimes but she's none-existent in emotional terms so I do feel parent-less and am alone in terms of having a family.
Now, maybe that's not the same with your dad...maybe your father will apologize eventually, you won't know until you give him a chance. But even if he never does, even if he tries to act like nothing ever happened, like my mother does, I don't think you should avoid seeing him at least once more. You just need to lower your expectations, I know it sounds awful but if you do you won't get hurt...and you need to understand that maybe he'll never say or do the things you want him to and the sooner you understand and accept that the faster you can heal and maybe even one day forgive him...you need to heal and forgive, not for him but for your own sake because you never get anything out of being resentful and hurt all the time...I did that for years and I can honestly tell you I feel a lot better after accepting that, in my case, my mother simply will never change and I needed to move on for my own sake. If one day she does change and apologizes...it will mean even more to me because I would have already let go of resentment and will not be expecting it, but it will be for her sake then because it won't really do much of a difference for me as far as my life's concerned since I've already moved on. You could have him in your life, little by little, without expecting anything from him...just for the sole reason that he is your father and if you don't feel comfortable with it, you don't need to be emotionally close to him...but you could at least see him or let him see you. Does this all make sense?
Good luck with whatever you decide.
"...that incremental suicide of turning your life into a dream, to make being awake as similar to sleep as possible. Drowsily, lazily, dry-mouth your way through the day's ceremonies, fumble your way back into the dew-bather you never really left, draped in brown, brown now all around, the haze!" - Russell Brand on drug addiction.
"Si ma êkh gûndo piyiamásko...ándo bírto barruno. Bírto, bírto barruno."
Maybe you should wait a little, but it's gonna hurt no mater what...I think it's gonna be hard to avoid. But sometimes we have to face a little more hurt in order to do the right thing...hurt is basically unavoidable but it'll hurt less if you don't expect anything, I guess.
"...that incremental suicide of turning your life into a dream, to make being awake as similar to sleep as possible. Drowsily, lazily, dry-mouth your way through the day's ceremonies, fumble your way back into the dew-bather you never really left, draped in brown, brown now all around, the haze!" - Russell Brand on drug addiction.
"Si ma êkh gûndo piyiamásko...ándo bírto barruno. Bírto, bírto barruno."
im also 13 my dad is a 'recovering' alcoholic but everytime ive seen him since i cut off contact with him i can smell alcohol on him and he has taken to following me and stopping my friends what should i do?
and kira dont make urself sick just txt me and i'll go wiv ya to meet up wiv ur dad xx
no matter what happens there will always be someone who would miss you if you died
live is for living not worrying
if life gives you lemons make lemonade
life is sometimes stormy but to get though the storms you have to learn to dance in the rain
depressed? earphones in, music loud, and just forget about the world
Not wanting to get hurt again is obviously quite a sensible way of looking at it; you don't want to jeopardise your recovery.
Although I think if you do want to see your Dad Jazzie's offer to go with you may be worth taking up as then you will have some emotional support in case it goes wrong?
xxx
Some Things There Are No Words For, Only Shoulders To Lean On. Hands To Hold On To. And Hugs To Comfort You, As Best They Can.
Buttons - you make me proud.
MeaCulpa - It will never be your fault.
Everyone - Whatever you need to hear.
I wish I could say more... but hugs to you! >.<
You're NOT a bad person to not trust him, it's completely okay, and I think it'll help to wait a while. Sometimes just giving yourself time to think makes decisions easier
Stay strong. xx
So many people are looking to me to be strong and to fight, but I'm just surviving.
The mirror can lie...doesn't show you what's inside. It's amazing what you can hide, just by putting on a smile.
Please feel free to PM me if you need to talk... I'll always listen.
Just one thing after the other. 
Is it really wise to make that massive (and painful, and stressful) change right now? Does it make me a bad person for trying to look out for my own health and safety?
