Contains bullying - It's stopped but the effects won't go away.

Sarahloubee · 07-09-2011, 03:19 PM

Hi all,

I'm new to the forums so please bare with me. I may struggle to get what I want to say out.

I was bullied from a very young age, 10 onwards. Even when I changed schools the bullying continued and some of the things that happened to me were horrible.
I was once beaten up in primary school, again in secondary school, chased and beaten with a hockey stick, ritually verbally abused by a large number of people and ostracised by my entire class.
When I moved schools (because of the bullying) I was bullied for coming from a state school, constantly left out and laughed at, bullied for my self-injury scars, had stuff stolen before vital exams and, the pis de resitance...
I was suspended for slapping a girl...who I did not slap. In fact she slapped me and then proceeded to sit on some stairs and slap herself so that it looked like I did it.

My parents didn't care. In fact, the frequently told me to stop complaining and that I must be acting like a victim to get all this crap...essentially blaming it on me. Saying it was my fault I was bullied.
The teachers in my school didn't care. Had my parents intervened things might have been different but I was fighting my corner alone and, as far as the school were concerned, I meant little or nothing to them.

All of the above just about scratches the surface.

I firmly believe that as a result of my experiences I developed depression, acute anxiety and nearly dropped out of university. I have self-harmed in the past and considered suicide a number of times.
Over the past few days I've been feeling the sharp end of my depression stick and I just wanted to have a little rant and get some stuff off of my chest.
I hope that's okay.
I'm depressed, suffer from acute anxiety and low self esteem.

I get waves of pain, sometimes physical always emotional, relating to my experiences. It's just so unjust and unfair.
I want to shout and scream and punch people. The people who bullied me go away with it and it stings all the more.

I just feel hopeless and powerless. I want to disappear.

Thanks for reading guys xxx

TheColdOne · 07-09-2011, 03:33 PM

I'm really sorry to hear that =(
I was bullied physically and emotionally for years, as a result I suffer major depression , PTSD etc
I hope it gets better soon
xxxxxx

Stellata · 07-09-2011, 03:51 PM

I understand the shame, anger, hopelessness and the pain. Are you getting support now for what you've been through?

I also endured quite severe protracted bullying, from when I was 6 to 17. The physical side of it was more assaulative in the violating sense rather than physical abuse as such, but it has still left it's mark.
I pretty much dissociated off the effects for a couple of decades, but am now really getting the help I need to start to repair some of the damage bit by bit.