I remember you!
Welcome back in respect to you coming here for some support. I am sure, just for the record, considering how amazingly you have done, that in the future you'll actually be in a position where you could come back and feel you're able to share your recovery and be proud of that.
I still think you have a recovery to be proud of now, and I think you need a little reminding of how well you've done to have come out of the unit, maintained a healthier weight for such a long time, get a job and move onto an educational course!! I mean, WOW!
It sounds from a non professional, non medical, personal experience perspective, that you may be suffering from depression and as you are on an anti depressant I'm guessing you have issues with low mood in the past? Just because you are already on an AD it doesn't mean that you are covered from suffering further bouts of depression or that that medication you are on means this current state is not going to improve. Medications are effective for some people for years and then become less effective for whatever reason.
You need to go to whoever prescribes your current dose of the AD and tell them of the changes in mood. Quite often they can try a higher dose, sometimes they will change the medication, but adjusting the dose may help you find the strength to lift yourself out of the blackness. The other reason you must see your doctor is that tiredness and low mood could be a sign of a physical problem, and that needs to be eliminated as a cause before you decide on anything else.
I obviously don't know your situation at all, only from what you have disclosed here but I wonder if the recent feelings of being scared of life are connected to you starting your Uni course and growing towards a more 'active' or 'normal' life? Change causes stress for everyone and I wonder if the upcoming changes are effecting you and causing a sense of fear of the unknown and making you feel overwhelmed [maybe what could be making you want to hide?]
I can assure you, you don't sound like you're 'loosing it', it sounds like a wobble and you're doing the right thing in addressing it head on, now. A health related course does require you to be fit enough to manage, but equally it can be a motivation to stay as well as you can be. I wonder if it may help if you list all the reasons you recovered, all the reasons you wish to continue recovering and stick them up on the wall next to your bed. When you wake in the morning and think, 'ergh, I want to go back to sleep', maybe read them and make a little note to yourself at the bottom with some motivation such as 'Rise and shine beautiful, you've come so far, don't look back, the world is now yours, see what today brings and hold your head up high because you have so much to be proud of'.
Finally, don't be sorry for coming back, least of all because you are struggling; this is what RYL is for :)
PM me anytime, I think you have a lot to be proud of and I admire the changes you've made and respect the effort it must have taken; its inspirational to me.
xxx
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