You might not want to hear this, but please don't hurt yourself. I realize I don't really know you personally, but I just know that you are worth more than that. Please seek help, ok? Dial whatever the emergency number is for where you live (sorry, I'm in the US and I realize a lot of people on here aren't). Please, I know it's probably really uncomfortable to do that, but it's worth sparing yourself harm. You may feel dirty and wrong and bad, but I assure you that you are NOT actually dirty or wrong or bad. I know that might be an impossible thing to convince yourself of now, but I had to say it anyway. Please take care and seek someone out, you deserve to.
*Hugs* <3
"It's not a dream anymore. It's worth fighting for."
"Well, if it's not real you can't hold it in your hands
You can't feel it with your heart
And I won't believe it.
But if it's true
You can see it with your eyes
Oh, even in the dark
And that's where I want to be, yeah" - Paramore
Dial whatever the emergency number is for where you live (sorry, I'm in the US and I realize a lot of people on here aren't).
Haha, I just saw your location under your username. Wow, am I blind. 911 for emergencies, please I really don't want you to have to go through more pain, especially not self-inflicted. (And I SI, so I understand the urge.)
"It's not a dream anymore. It's worth fighting for."
"Well, if it's not real you can't hold it in your hands
You can't feel it with your heart
And I won't believe it.
But if it's true
You can see it with your eyes
Oh, even in the dark
And that's where I want to be, yeah" - Paramore
I understand. I have been there many times myself. Sending you strength and support to do what is right for you.
Try to take it one day at a time - one hour at a time - one moment at a time if that is what you need to do. Breathe. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. You have more strength than you realize. Draw on it. You are worth the fight. You are so worth it!
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
I'm ok. Eventually went to sleep. Thank you so much for being there for me. I didn't hurt myself. I made a promise that I wouldn't and I kept that promise. Oh what a difference a few hours makes. It's interesting how I feel hung over without having been drunk. I guess this is what an emotional hang over is.
I have some plans for today that include having breakfast with a good friend and meeting up with my sponsor.
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
thank you for the reply pomegranate. i made it thru the night and i think i can keep fighting these urges i just don't know if i want to anymore. its hard. there are several things eating at me right now and i am just not sure how to handle it without going over the edge.
Have you got anyone or any place where you can at least vent those thoughts and urges? Keeping them to yourselves will just encourage them to keep building and fester. That does not mean you need to talk about them here (although by all means do if it is what you want and will help) but maybe an outlet of some kind would be helpful for you?
i had therapy today and it was rough. right now i feel raw and numb and maybe even sad. many times i get a delayed response from therapy where i feel tired and spacey right afterwards, but then the real emotional stuff hits me later.
saying that i want to hurt myself is an understatement. i won't be safe if i do hurt myself, so i won't. I'm in an all or nothing kind of mood.
i was going to head down the shore with my mom for a few days to chill out and she bailed out on me.
and lets top it off with NO MEDS!!!! yay! my insurance has once again been terminated and i can't afford to pay for my meds out of pocket. for just one day of pills it will cost me $110. not sure what i am going to do if the insurance doesn't kick back in.
actually...i have just realized while reading this back to myself that this sounds very angry. so i guess i am angry?
The more i think about desensitization, the more it makes sense to me. We have the ability to empower our thohughts whether they be for our benefit or our ultimate downfall.
One of the ways negative thoughts empower themselves is to make us too afraid to utter them. Its like Voldermort in Harry Potter. Those who do not mention "he who should not be named" tremble in fear of his mere name, and yet those who dare to say Voldermort are instatly filled with a sense of bravery and empowerment.
When we empower negative tho ughts we make them "special" and give them value beyond their worth. By rareifying a name like Voldermort, it becomes special. By not mentioning the "unmentionables" we too empower the things we most fear.
I think you should work to let these voices jabber away in your head and accept them and perhaps find a way of uttering them to others more frequently. The impact will lessen and they will become thouhghts rather than something magical and to be feared. If you can learn to accept them as thoughts, then you can work towards changing those thoughts.
In essence what im saying is DO NOT try to stop the voices in your head, but listen to them and see them for what they are. They are just words going over and over, and when you start to realise this they will get better.
The terrible things that happened to you will be easier to cope with too. I am in no way undermining their importance or the effect they had on you, or indeed am i vindicating the actions of those who wronged you. But keeping them all in your head will do nothing more than empower them. Getting them out and talking about them will weaken them.
Ive explained this really badly as im so **** at writing. I hope you know what i mean though.
you stink! eeeew girls
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
Ninjapenguin, although you were responding to someone else's post you could have been writing a response to the post I haven't written... the one where I share that which terrifies me... the one where I admit to what is going on in my head and what I try to hide.
i just woke up from a dream that was beyond triggering. i don't think i can do this.
i have my blade out and I'm ready to **** up the 10 months i have put together. i don't want to hurt my boyfriend. but i can't take the obsessive thoughts anymore.
i try to accept that they are just thoughts but the graphic picture in my head just won't leave. i want to cut and not stop.
I cut myself today several times. I couldn't take it anymore. I told my boyfriend about it and he is blowing it out of preportion. He thinks that it means I need to be in the hospital. I don't think I do. He is supposed to be traveling this weekend and he won't leave me alone. I don't know what to do. He wants me to tell my mom what is going on. I can't. Sorry if this is cryptic but I'm flustered. I want to cut again. I didn't do it bad enough. My head is all over the place.
I want to cut again. I didn't do it bad enough. My head is all over the place.
^^
THIS!
Im really pleased you told your boyfriend. It was really important. The problem with your cutting is the OCD attatched to it and the fact that unlike many of us who can control it to an extent, you can not! I can harm myself, require some med treatment, and then leave it. You cant stop until it becomes life threatening, then its IP.
I am so happy hes staying with you. I know you feel guilty but i hope in some way this will let you see that this is what happens in a loving and caring relationship! This is what happens when someone values and loves you!
He seems and sounds like a great guy and if he needs someone to talk to then he can talk to me anytime.
Tell your mother and let him be there with you when you do. You need your family around you and you need and deserve the support they can offer. They may not understand and make a few howling mistakes but its time to stop suffering alone now. You still have a long way to go but i know that the walls are starting to come down. Its painful and its scary and i know you are riddled with guilt, but please let them help you.
I love you lots! Youve done amazingly! xxx
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
SI isn't about your boyfriend. It isn't about your parents. It's only about you. You can't quit for someone else - you need to quit for yourself.
I suspect that like me you hit overwhelm so badly that the only logical outlet is SI. (I really get that. But I know I will not be able to quit for good until I want it, Right now I can admit that I have a problem. I recognize it is not a healthy way of dealing. I can hold off for days, weeks or months, keeping injury to a minimum... but I can't quit. There is something in me that is not ready to give it up yet. And I need to come to that in and of myself - not for any external reason, but because I am doing it for me.
When I start to worry about others in the cutting equation I simply create a lot more stress, guilt and shame for myself. And that doesn't do anybody any good.
Please take care of yourself and do what is right for YOU. It is OK to be selfish about your needs. Tell your boyfriend that you appreciate his care and concern, but also tell him what you need. That might be space, or it might be care and concern. For me... I need a lot of space. Care, concern, worry... that set me off worse than ever.
