Hi I'm Emmy, i'm new to this site :)
I wanted to start this post by telling you all about my past history so maybe you could understand why i feel like i do now but i really cant be bothered tonight and i just wanted to put how i feel out right at this moment in time. I would probably bore you with all my past anyways maybe i will at some point tomorrow.
I feel like I don't deserve to be here, I don't deserve to eat, sleep, shower, dress, put on makeup or enjoy myself. I don't deserve to be doing all the human things. I feel like I should be punishing myself, I should be starving, harming, burning, hitting, bruising myself and not taking notice of my appearance at all. I mean, what's the point in me, I'm nothing, my body doesn't work anymore and I should no longer class myself as a female because my body cant make babies - the one thing i've always and ever wanted and keeps me going. I had an abortion two years ago and its still gripping me, i know how people feel on the subject so please don't judge me i already hate myself enough. I've been told by doctors i'm fine, I've had swabs, a scan even an internal scan but they couldn't find anything wrong and said to be honest my womb was perfect and i have a very regular cycle.
I just don't want to feel this grief anymore, its to painful, I cant stress how painful it is, I just want to be with my baby in heaven, where I belong, I don't belong here. I'm such a bad person, I've done a bad thing, I should be locked up behind bars,I feel like a murderer. I feel brain dead, I feel like I want to shut down, I feel like a car running on empty, I'm completely drained, I try to get up but I just fall back down, I'm tired of everything around me, I smile and laugh but I don't feel it, I'm so far from where I need to be, everything feels so cold, its like something inside is slowly killing me, I feel like i'm suffocating, always debating. I'm restless, I'm frustrated, I feel shattered, I don't deserve help. I just want to die.
What is it that makes you think you can not have babies?
I understand how devastating having an abortion can be. Have you looked into counselling to help you process the many emotions it has left you with, and to deal with the grief and loss you must be feeling right now.
Please, do not act on how you are feeling right now. As hard as the past is to deal with, it does not completely define you in the absence of the now or the future. You could potentially have a brilliant future ahead of you, and yes that could include children - whether through natural conception or adoption.
Be gentle with yourself. I know that is hard to do right now, but you do deserve to be treated well, even if you find that hard to believe.
Roiben x
If the Human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we wouldn't.
What is it that makes you think you can not have babies?
I understand how devastating having an abortion can be. Have you looked into counselling to help you process the many emotions it has left you with, and to deal with the grief and loss you must be feeling right now.
Please, do not act on how you are feeling right now. As hard as the past is to deal with, it does not completely define you in the absence of the now or the future. You could potentially have a brilliant future ahead of you, and yes that could include children - whether through natural conception or adoption.
Be gentle with yourself. I know that is hard to do right now, but you do deserve to be treated well, even if you find that hard to believe.
Roiben x
I have looked at counselling there was a place in my area called ''still waters'' that i went to last summer but after a few sessions with them they became religious so that wasn't helpful as i'm not, and this year in April i had some grief counselling at my local doctors with a counselor but she kept saying things that upset me and i quit. To be honest though I've had counselling nearly all of my life and I've been in hospital twice but nothing has seemed to work hospital was way before the termination aswell, maybe i just give up to easily.
And me and my current boyfriend have been trying for two years but nothings happened as I've said I've had tests and everything's fine and they put it down to stress of terminating the baby because they say the body is a weird thing when it comes to things like that, but nothings drilling in, i just have this belief i will never have children and I've blew my chance and it sickens me, it just makes me think whats the point.
I know i sound pathetic, i'm sorry, thank you so much for your kind words
hi emmy, my name is emma too and i had an abortion also about 3 years ago..its still hard and i feel exactly the same way:( ur not alone at all, if you wanna talk im here for you just pm me okay..ive also been to counselling for a long time but they dont seem to help..it is such a hard thing to come to terms with , i feel like i dont deserve to be here anymore :( but we can be here for each other if you want x
Hello. My girlfriend a few years ago had an abortion - like any loss it's not something you will ever truly 'get over' but the pain diminishes with time and there is a world of happiness and fulfillment out there for you. It could well be stress that's stopping you getting pregnant. Also, has your boyfriend been for fertility tests?
ANorthfield - Oh no i hope your girlfriends ok now, does it still bother her sometimes? well i guess its always there but you know what i mean and no, he went to the doctors (few months ago) and they gave him a bottle to take to the hospital so they could do a count there but he hasn't done it yet, he wants to do it after his finished college which is in February. We have stopped ''trying'' for quite a few months now but its just always there in the back of my mind chipping away at me, i cant watch pregnancy or anything to do with babies on the tv or read a magazine without breaking down. I'm sorry this was a long reply and i hope it made sense.
I hope your ok. x
you're a beautiful person, you chose to have an abortion two years ago because you made a decision based on the best of your knowledge at the time, therefore you can regret it all you like, but you did what you thought was best and there's no mistake in that.
it sounds like you've been through a lot, you're probably not prepared to talk about that to a bunch of strangers of the internet and i get that, but it sounds like people have been hurting you all your life - why do you want to join them and hurt yourself?
also, you might like this website...
it's so cute and peaceful. http://amitaytweeto.com/thequietplace/
oh,
and this for when you feel like cutting, bruising, burning or whatever. http://www.firstsigns.org.uk/help/read-this-first
stay safe :) x
"If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary-wise; what it is it wouldn't be, and what it wouldn't be, it would. You see?" - Alice, Alice in Wonderland
♥
Why the heck is your boyfriend waiting til February? This is something he can get done in about 10 minutes - and if need be, you can drop it off at the hospital if he can't build up the effort himself to do so.
I think you need to talk to your boyfriend about this - As it sounds like he does not have the same feelings towards having a child. Perhaps partly not wanting to go through any potential loss.
Sorry to sound blunt, but really - February is stupidly far away and it sounds like he is happy for you to take on all the responsibility here, when any relationship should be much more equal than that.
Roiben x
If the Human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we wouldn't.
TEAPARTY - Awwwww bless you, thank you so much for your kind words hun, very much appreciated. And thankyou for the websites i will definitely check them out they sound awesome I hope your ok. You can PM anytime.
roiben - He said if he has it checked then and if something is wrong he knows that i will want to do something about it so he wants to wait til he finishes college to try for a kid again but i wont, i just want to know, i just want some answers, i will definitely talk to him again and see what the hell is going on, i cant wait til February, i just cant.
Today i am really struggling but i am trying to stay strong. xx
*hugs* I think letting him know how much this is bothering you, and that knowing will help is important. I hope you manage to speak to him.
How are you doing today?
Roiben x
I'll let you know the outcome when i do have a chat with him.
and yeah I've been ok i guess, Friday was the most stressful day ever!!! a lot of bad things happened that day. Saturday was ok a lot better went to see the new inbetweeners movie and today is boring but i'm ok. Up and down like a rollercoaster i guess xD (oh gawd i'm moaning)
I hope your ok hun.
I am really struggling today i couldn't even go to the gym because i just didn't wanna face the outside world when i know it would of helped a little, i couldn't fight it, i'm weak.
Hi, Emmy
I am so very sorry you feel the way you do, and i am not really sure i can understand how you feel, and the pain you are in. But i don't believe you are weak, and really hope things feel better for you soon.
Emmy, I think you need to put having a baby on hold for now. I don't know how old you are? - is that making it urgent? But you know you want to give your babies the best start in life, so you need to be secure in yourself before you're ready to meet them. This time of your life is for YOU, and for you and your boyfriend to share. As well as coming to terms with the painful things that have happened (and I agree so much with the post that said you did the best with what you knew at the time) is there anything you'd really like to do that would be easier before being a mum? Going to college/uni, going travelling? (I recommend the latter!)
Also, you say you are not religious - but faith/belief isnt necessarily ascribing to a specific religion. And you mention 'heaven'... Whatever you truly believe, (even if you're not sure) in your heart can be a big comfort, looking at the 'bigger picture' and finding peace and strength - whether you believe that is from inside or some greater power. Sorry if that sounds a bit cheesy.
Is it in any way possible to do the 'still waters' thing but substitute their specific religious beliefs for a wider interpretation in your own mind? For example although I would not describe myself as Christian, I sometimes go to church as a useful 'forum' for my own reflections/beliefs/prayers etc. Although this will depend on how 'religious' they are I guess.
So yeh, take this time to heal, and enjoy this time to be YOU. When the time's right and you're all ready with some wonderful memories and life experiences behind you, your babies will come and say hello :)
with much love
B x
"I have a room for life at the home for the chronically groovy!" - Sgt Floyd Pepper
Hi, Emmy
I am so very sorry you feel the way you do, and i am not really sure i can understand how you feel, and the pain you are in. But i don't believe you are weak, and really hope things feel better for you soon.
Best Wishes
From Michael
Awwwwww thank you for your kind words Michael & earthbound_misfit, they do mean a lot and much appreciated
earthbound_misfit - i have actually put the baby thing on hold we haven't been trying for several months now we are waiting but its still there a voice in my head saying ''i'll never get the chance again, I've blew it etc.. and its annoying and making me feel really suicidal.
i hope your girlfriends ok now, does it still bother her sometimes? well i guess its always there but you know what i mean 
