do healing wounds keep you safe?

Cedrus · 10-08-2011, 03:48 PM

This is something I am RELLY struggling with. I would say that my self harm has decreased in frequency but certainly not in severity. I went from cutting myself to burning and then burns can take months to heal. But the thing causing me stress is that every single time it is healed, i last a week or two without doing it and then the rage gets overwhelming again and i give in, almost as if i can't tolerate not having any wounds on me.

I have a burn healing at the moment and i am in the mindset. yet again, that i will NOT self harm, almost believing that i will never harm myself again. My whole thoughts regarding it change, and i will be certain i will stop this. I get so fed up of having to look after the wouds. I REALLY want to stop but I'm scared, because I know once it is healed I won't be safe. I literally have no urges to self harm when its healing and i get really peed of with having to look after it. But once its gone, im not safe. a rage will return and i will impulsively do it again. Im so stuck in this cycle.

Is anyone else stuck in this cycle too? Can you relate to this? Has anyone broken this cycle? If so, how?

Thanks for reading.

Cedrus · 10-08-2011, 06:51 PM

i surely cant be the only one who struggles with this......surely.....

cweed · 10-08-2011, 07:02 PM

I've definitely felt this before, though since I slipped up (after a year) it's almost the opposite...the healing cut is a constant reminder of what I'm NOT doing anymore.
I felt most like this when I did used to burn, though...burns tend to hurt longer (imo) so I guess I felt like I didn't need to do anything more, and it was easier to decide I was done.

secret squirrel · 11-08-2011, 04:43 PM

I can really identify with this and it's something I'm currently struggling with. Since November, I've always had at least one injury in the process of healing, and when they are almost healed, I panic and burn or cut again.

You say that you feel rage that is overwhelming - do you know what the rage is about?

I would say for me, even thought I get frustrated with the limitations of having wounds (eg, dressings, hospital appointments), I also like the process of seeing them heal and how strazightforward the healing of wounds is compared to the healing of the mind. Also, the care I receive from health professionals who look after my injuries fills some of the gap from the lack of care in my life from others (family etc, who are not able to offer any care or support).

All I can say is that I'm working hard in therapy to understand the underlying reasons and the hope is that it will help me to break this destructive cycle. Are you having any kind of therapy? Maybe it's something to explore?

Hope you are able to find a way out of this.

Pomegranate · 11-08-2011, 06:55 PM

I don't impulsively harm but I do find that when a wound is healing then I don't feel the harming urges are nearly as strong. It is almost 'ok' not to harm because I already have injuries, proof and that is calming for me. In reverse though, when they are nearly healed then I can get very agitated and feel pretty desperate to harm again. Apologies if this isn't what you were looking for.

Hope you are ok x

Cedrus · 11-08-2011, 09:54 PM

I think i can relate to both of you. I'm not sure if my first post/thread whatever was right.

I am working through it in therapy but it is a problem we find that is hard to solve. I self harm and get very angry at having to look after the wound (at the same time though, i admit, there is something positive i get from seeing the practice nurse looking after my wounds). It heals and i am ok, for a while, but then the rage builds up and i can only assume it is impuslive as i hate wounds healing! but they keep me safe! i just cant seem to cope without a healing wound on my body. I believe the self harm is impuslive, because i hate the wounds healing, but at the same time, i dont feel complete without them. Almost as if these scars mean nothing without a frest wound.

My therapist asked if i feel i need to commincate something, not in the cliche way, but whether i feel that i REALLY need to do something to make people realise i am struggling. i wonder if that is true.... i've had a change in mental health teams recently and it seems to have triggered up my self harm again.

I just want to be able to stop. for good. im fed up of these burns healing. Im literally running out of spacce.

Thanks, the three of you, for the replies.

whirlpools · 11-08-2011, 09:59 PM

When my self harm used to be bad I felt like that too, I think. Like it was 'safe' to have stitches in my arm and I couldn't cope if there weren't any there. I also really relate to having needed to communicate my distress through an injury. Behaviourally that's subsided over recent years but the thoughts are still there to some degree. I'm not really sure what to advise though, sorry. Maybe try and explore with your therapist other ways of getting your needs heard, although I imagine that will take time. xxx

Cedrus · 11-08-2011, 10:13 PM

Thanks Laura, tbh, i am getting so incerdibly fed up with this cycle! my current burn i am struggling to look after and its just making me angry, but i know, sadly, it is keeping me safe! Even now, i think i will never self harm again. But i feel scared about once this burn is healed. I will definately have to focus more on this in therapy. I am learning more how to communicate with words, but i guess not enough! otherwise i would have gone through this transition period of changing teams without burning!

I just wish it would all stop :(

fragile as glass · 11-08-2011, 10:21 PM

Whenever I self harm I find that I am soothed and whilst the wounds are healing I tend not to self harm. However when my wounds have healed I feel like cutting again and creating new wounds.

I do feel that having open wounds help me to control my emotions better and I am a bit calmer and I don't think about cutting as much. Having healed wounds triggers me into thinking about cutting constantly and it tends to never leave me until I cut again.

You are not alone in feeling how you do. It is not unusual to get these feelings and it is actually quite a common feeling amongst self harmers.

I also find that when I am angry my self harm is more severe and I also find it hard to control the amount of damage that I do. I hate taking care of my wounds too which is why they get infected so much and I guess that that is another way of me self harming.

You are not alone honey.

Work through it in your therapy as you have been doing and it could really help you.

Love Liddy xx

Cedrus · 11-08-2011, 10:53 PM

When im angry the injuries are deinfately much more severe.

I feel slighlty more relieved that I am not alone and it makes me want to talk more in therapy. It is a horrible cycle to be in. I hate having wounds to look after and although they don't often get infected - i reckon i am lucky!- part of me wants them there. its strange and confusing and involves so many conflicting feelings and thoughts!

I do feel safer with the wounds there. Even when i wasn't self harming so severely, the open cuts decreased my need to cut again. Its the one thing that is holding me back. I was about to say 'i won't burn again' but i don't know! if im honest, i probably will burn again and that makes me so upset. I just want to STOP this cycle!

Eternal.Seeker · 11-08-2011, 11:24 PM

I definitely found this when I was trying to stop as well. But I think part of me just didn't want to let it go.
and maybe the problem is some one lets this struggle become part of there identity, but some one isn't a 'cutter' they just struggle with self harm. I guess what i'm saying is your still you without SH. does it help at all if you draw with pen on yourself. I mean you know whats going on, but I mean there are still kinda those marks there

Cedrus · 12-08-2011, 02:34 PM

I think I need to just say enough is enough. Im fed up of having healing wounds on me all the time. I like being able to have a shower and not worry about getting a certain limb wet or whatever. Maybe part of me doesnt want to let the self harm go.....i feel safe with something there. I really need to talk about this in therapy.

Thanks for the replies everyone and sharing your experiences

michael james · 14-08-2011, 11:20 PM

My message to you is very simple, please, please stop harming yourself. And as for is healing wounds keeping you safe, the answer is no, simple as.

I have self harmed for many years, all that happens is you get used to the pain and the injuries get worse, stop now.

Use distracting techniques, loud music, exercise, punch bags, anything, but don't burn or cut.

Trust me you will always want a bigger injury, just stop right now before its to late, before it becomes away of life.

fragile as glass · 15-08-2011, 10:37 AM

If it was that simple michael, don't you think she would have stopped by now?

People like you make me mad. You can't answer for other people nor can you enforce your views on others. Life isn't simple as.

Cedrus · 15-08-2011, 11:48 AM

It's not so simple as just stopping. My self harm has already (after 5/6 years I should say) gotten to the stage where every injury has to be worse than the last and needing specalist help for my wounds. I've been in intensive therapy for years to try and stop, that is not my goal now, my goal is to lessen the severeity and get control over my compulsions. If I could just stop, believe me, i would have stopped a long time ago, hence the way my mind is twisted and having a wound (that takes months to heal) keeps me safe, its my way of protecting myself against doing even more harm. It may not be the most helpful, but it is my form of protection at the moment. I still have a long way to go in therapy.

misspedantic945 · 15-08-2011, 11:59 AM

I feel exactly the same as you, but my thing is with scars. Once the scars start to fade, I have to do it again. It feels as though it's a tribute to everything i've been through and yet i've still managed to survive it this far.